Tornado Report # 17 (2000-12-01)
This report was submitted by COL Kessler
TORNADO, BABY!
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GRUDGE MATCH
This week:
The Macintosh as a Gaming Platform
vs
A Crumpled Styrofoam Coffee Cup
With your hosts - Kessler and CoHo
Kessler: I want you to see it how I see it, CoHo.
CoHo: See what? Are you tripping again?
Kessler: No, get this. I need a new computer for home, right? My 256K IBM PCJr. no longer cuts the proverbial mustard. Then, while I was at PC World, I actually saw with my own eyes the new Macintosh G4 Cube. It was silky smooth to the touch like the creamy thighs of Britney. I was quivering.
CoHo: If this gets pornographic I'm leaving.
Kessler: No no! It's a tale of woe. See, I got myself all psyched up. I thought, "I'll go against the grain and buy a Mac." I thought, "I'm a creative individual. The Mac is a creative computer." I thought, "That new design is incredibly swag, it'll look great on my desk." I thought, "That computer is one powerful machine!" I thought, "Different." I thought, "I'll be more creative and empowered than ever before." I thought, "As soon as girls see it they'll get naked."
CoHo: True.
Kessler: But then I realized that there are games that'll come out that I won't be able to play! Like Age of Empires II! Icewind Dale! Shogun: Total War! Crimson Skies! EverQuest! Arcanum! Sacrifice! Don't you see? That's just cruelty. I felt a profound, profound disappointment and a sense of disillusionment. It was as though something dear was taken away from me.
CoHo: I see.
Kessler: It's like there's this big party going on, but I'm not really invited. Can you understand my pain?
CoHo: No. Get over it. Have some coffee.
Kessler: Mmm ... coffee. In a crumpled styrofoam cup?
CoHo: If you like.
Kessler: We have a winner!
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LucasArts Screws PC Owners Yet Again
Would you believe that after a year pf promises and screenshots, LucasArts has just told the PC community that it's scrapping plans to release Episode 1: Obi-Wan on the PC? According to their press release, "technical limitations" were the reason behind this decision and they're only going to release it on the consoles. Now maybe I'm just being a little stupid, but until I see a console that runs at 1GHz+ with a graphics processor capable of throwing a billion pixels a second around (like a modern PC), I'm just going to assume that Lucasarts are talking out of their arseholes. If you're sick and tired of hearing this kind of lame excuse too, feel free to sign the online petition to get Obi-Wan back on the PC, at http://www.PetitionOnline.com/ob1pc/. Feel free to tell them what a bunch of twats you think they are while you're there.
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Tornado 5 - Battlegroups 2
107 POINTS! AAAARGH!!!!
*smashing and breaking noises*
Oh alright. Well done Typhoon. Now go away and leave me alone :P
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TopDawg's Diets
This week, I've mostly been eating carrots.
More next week!
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Who's Your Daddy Now, Bitch?
CPT Shakur poses for his ID Card
Tornado Squadron is proud to welcome Captain Shakur, the newest inmate to Flight II's Grooming and Discipline Service. Shak, or "Daddy" as he prefers to be known, is a registered sadist, and it comes as no suprise that he was recruited to the Squadron by our resident masochist - CM "Lash me, Big Boy" Xyrryc. The two hit it off immediately, although COL Kessler has banned them from drinking without another squadron member present. It's not that he has objections to seeing Xyrryc getting the living daylights thrashed out of him, but Shakur can be very enthusuastic about his work, and Xyrryc still has to be able to fly the occasional mission.
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Dark Lord of the Week
The highly prestigious title of Dark Lord of the Week is only given to the person who has most advanced the success of the Squadron, amused the CMDR, or slipped me the most £5 notes in a brown paper bag. This week's winner is:
FM / CPT Shakur
For showing more activity in three days than most pilots manage in a month!
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Ewok of the Week
Yub Yub!
Every story has a hero, every journey has a first step, every Fleet has a pilot who's as much use as an ashtray on a speeder bike. This weeks' Prize Ewok is none other than:
CMDR / CPT Brandon
For daring to take the Challenge Ace Pilot Title. That's OURS dammit :P
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"You gonna bark all day, little doggy? Or are you gonna bite?"
The Usual Suspects
Flight One - The Missile Magnets
Fighter Pilots Make Movies - Bomber Pilots Make History
CMDR/COL Kyle "Old Man" Kessler
Flew Free-TIE 104 vs Typhoon Squadron
Flew Free-TIE 127 for Squadron League
FM/MAJ "Snoop-Doggy" TopDawg
Flew Free-TIE 104 vs Typhoon Squadron
Flew Free-TIE 127 for Squadron League
TopGun in Tornado vs Typhoon Contest - ISM awarded
FM/LC Corran "Damn I'm Gorgeous" Horn
Flew Free-TIE 104 vs Typhoon Squadron
Flew Free-TIE 127 for Squadron League
FL/LCM Kaedryl "Beer Monster" Di'Mathe
Flew Free-TIE 104 vs Typhoon Squadron
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Flight II - The Brylcreem Boys
Kissing Ass and Taking Names
FL/CPT "Mister Empire" Kou-Taiki
Flew Free-TIE 104 vs Typhoon Squadron
Flew Free-TIE 127 for Squadron League
Flew Free-TIE 2
FM/CPT "Daddy" Shakur
Joined Tornado from Reserves
Submitted 5 Rendered 3D Graphics for Squadron OPS page.
Flew Free-TIE 104
Flew TC-TIE 133 - MISSION HIGH SCORE
Flew TC-TIE 135
Flew TC-TIE 136
Flew TC-TIE 137
Flew TC-TIE 141
Flew Free-TIE 127 for Squadron League
Promoted to FCHG Cavalier
FM/CPT "Old Man River" Fishbone
Flew Free-TIE 104 vs Typhoon Squadron
Flew Free-TIE 127 for Squadron League
FM/CM "Darth Vile" Xyrryc
Flew Free-TIE 104 vs Typhoon Squadron
Flew Free-TIE 103
Flew Free-TIE 127 for Squadron League
Flew Free-TIE 129
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Flight III - The High Priests of Love
We're the Love Commandos and this is a Raid!
FL/CM Callum "The Shadow" Veers
Flew Free-TIE 104 vs Typhoon Squadron
Flew Free-TIE 127 for Squadron League
Passed TIE Mission Design course
Passed IIC/2
Submitted PHP Test
Playing FT135 for BattleCry comp
FM/MAJ Aven "Hermann the German" Kronn
Flew Free-TIE 104 vs Typhoon Squadron
Flew Free-TIE 127 for Squadron League
FM/LCM "Uncle Fester" Jerry
Flew Free-TIE 104 vs Typhoon Squadron
Flew Free-TIE 94 - NEW HIGH SCORE
Flew CAB-2
Flew Free-TIE 2
Flew Free-TIE 127 for Squadron League
Promoted to FCHG Hussar
Completed IWATS Comp Basics
FM/LCM Kaoru "Junior" Miki
Promoted to Lieutenant Commander
Flew Free-TIE 104 vs Typhoon Squadron
Flew Free-TIE 127 for Squadron League
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Peace, Love, Shave the Wookie.
CMDR/COL Kyle Kessler/Tornado Squadron/Wing X/ISD Challenge
MoH/IC/OoR/GOE/GSx2/SSx4/BSx9/PCx3/ISMx10/CoB/MoI-DC/ISx3/LoC-PSx34/OV-2E [PLDN]
[IWATS][IIC/3][M/2][SM/1][TT][XTT][XA-A][GFX]
The contest no-one finds: Name the movie quoted in "The Usual Suspects" and win a mystery prize from the CMDR's Waste Bin
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