General Sasquatch sat in his chair and tried to look comfortable, but that's hard to do when Fleet Admiral Kramer is giving you "the look".
"You wanted to see me, Sir?"
Kramer didn't waste any time. "Sas ... what the heck are you doing?"
"Erm ... excuse me?"
"I mean," the admiral explained, "that Wing III is the only wing aboard the Sov that is missing a certain something. Here, take a look at these shots that were taken by the security cameras."
Kramer brought up some pictures on his desk viewer, and turned it around so that Sas could see it. "Do you see these? These are normal scenes from a typical day in any wing except for yours."
Sas looked at the pictures carefully. The pilots didn't seem very comfortable; in fact, they seemed rather uneasy. Some were even borderline terrified.
Kramer punched a key, and some new images appeared. "And here are the latest shots from Wing III. Tell me, what is wrong with this picture?"
Displayed on the viewer were some very normal activities of Wing III pilots ... drinking in the cantina, prepping in the ready room, practicing in the simulators. They seemed fairly normal.
Kramer slammed his fist down on the desk. "Where's the terror? Where's the fear? We both know what this is a result of. You are the only wing commander on this ship who has yet to enlist the aid of an 'assistant' -- a specialist in fear and manipulation. Your pilots are much too secure in their well-being. You have until the end of the week to find some terrorists ... I mean, assistants ... or you'll be spending your free time in The Pit with MY special little helpers. Dismissed."
****
"So let me just get this straight ... your name is D'ave, and you you are qualified to be my assistant because you graduated from typing school?"
Sasquatch looked at the guy in front of him, and then glanced down at the credientials spread across his desk. This was the twentieth applicant today, and he didn't look any better than the nineteen others that had come before him.
"So Dave ... "
"That's D'ave," the unpleasent little man said indignantly. "Accent on the 'D'."
"Yeah, sorry. So ... D'AVE ... are you aware that this job would require several random acts of violence from you on a daily basis?"
****
Hours later, Sas was still running applications through the shredder when a small furry mammal ran into his office. Two things were surprising about this; first of all, the door had been locked. Second, the small furry mammal was an ewok.
Immediatly, Sasquatch responded as any Imperial officer should. He screamed, "EWOK!!!" and pulled out his blaster.
Several painful moments later, it became apparent that maybe that had not been the best course of action to engage in. Surprisingly, the ewok kicked the blaster out of Sasquatch's hand and proceeded to tackle, pummel, and pin the wing commander to the floor.
"Eeee chuda!" said the over-grown rodent, and then it produced a business card, which it held right in front of Sasquatch's eyes. The card read :
FRANK
The Galaxy's Only
Psychopathic Kung-Fu Ewok
For Hire
Scribbled on the back of the card was a short note :
"You need an assistant, I need to lay low for a while. I think we can come to an agreement. Keep the credits coming and I will be totally loyal. Nod your head if you accept. Say one thing about Endor or my loser, Rebel-loving brothers ... and I will break your neck."
Wisely deciding not to mention Endor, Sasquatch asked, "So ... do you understand Basic?"
Frank nodded his head yes, adding "Eeee nowa!"
"But you can't SPEAK Basic?"
Now Frank shook his head no. "Jub jub!"
Sasquatch reached out and shook the creature's hand. "I have no problem with that. Welcome aboard!"
****
Okay, here's the part where the report begins in earnest. Greetings pilots of Wing III and welcome to this week's briefing! After many months of searching, I have chosen an 'assistant', and I want you all to give a warm welcome to Frank the psychopathic kung-fu ewok! Don't mention Endor around him. You will be seeing a lot of Frank in the future ... he will be assigned mostly to squads that are failing to live up their "full potential". This little fuzz-ball has mastered every martial art known to man, a few that aren't known to man, and I think he's even partially trained in the dark side of the Force. You have been warned.
Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that I have a crate full of Assault Hamsters on the way? You'll be seeing a lot of them in the future as well >:)
Enough chit chat, on to the good stuff!
Wing III Stats
---------------------
Aleth - 10
Beth - 12
Gimel - 0 (Inactive)
Daleth - 9
Hey - 8
Vav - 0 (Inactive)
Chief Executive Guy - 1
Total: 40 (+3 from last report!!!)
Combat Response Ratings
---------------------------------------
Aleth - CRR Level 2, 10/00
Beth - CRR Level 5, 10/00
Gimel - Inactive
Daleth - CRR Level 3, 10/00
Hey - CRR Level 4, 11/00
Vav - Inactive
Position Moves (11.12.00 -- 11.21.00)
------------------------------------------------------
- WC/COL Raith Sienar, Wing XIV : Transfers to Beth Squadron!
- FM/SL August Gladius, Aleth : Promoted to Lieutenant!
- FM/LCM Yun : Transfers to Aleth Squadron!
- CMDR/CM Rothmans, Wing XV : Transfers to Daleth Squadron!
- FM/LT Matt Dabbs, Gimel : Transfers to Aleth
- FM/SL Hexen, Gimel : Transfers to Aleth
- FM/LT Renee D'Anclaude, Gimel : Transfers to Hey
- FM/SL Praba, Gimel : Tranfers to Hey
Wing III Extended Training
--------------------------------------
- FM/LT Josh Popelka, Hey : Passed IWATS mIRC 1
- FM/LT Josh Popelka, Hey : Passed IWATS mIRC 2
Awards 'n' Stuff
-----------------------
The Silver Star of the Empire (SS) has been awarded to :
- FM/COL Raith Sienar, Beth
The Imperial Security Medal (ISM) has been awarded to :
- CMDR/CM Osan'gar, Hey
- FM/LT Mynock, Aleth
- FM/LT Joran Dax, Beth
- FM/LT Josh Popelka, Hey
- FL/MAJ Jeffery Domm, Hey
The Medal of Instruction (MoI) has been awarded to :
- FM/LT Scoser, Aleth
The Commendation of Bravery (CoB) has been awarded to :
- FM/LT Tvan'Oris, Hey
Wing III News Headlines
------------------------------------
- First of all, congratulations are in order for Beth Squadron, who now have a FULL SQUAD of twelve pilots! Nice work, Beth! Now you guys can start recruiting for the other squads ;-)
- Second, Commendations of Bravery. Remember that any pilot who has completed 30 or more combat missions is eligable to recieve the CoB. It's been a while since we checked on this, so CMDRs be sure to double-check your roster and make sure that everyone who should have one, does. Report to me if a pilot should have one but does not.
- The Aleth vs. Beth competition ended, and here are the results :
Beth Squadron:
7436 - LT Joran Dax
7244 - LCM Loor
6742 - MAJ Sequoh Marden
6547 - LCM Shield
5942 - CPT Werdna Elbee
3026 - LCM Cal Sinis
2647 - LT Psylocke
Averaged: 6992.25 points
Aleth Squadron:
5285 - LT Mynock
5226 - CM Sadista
2790 - SL August
Averaged: 3325.25 points (fourth score counted as 0)
With a higher squadron average, Beth was declared the winner! Nice job, guys. Congratulations go out to LT Joran Dax and LT Mynock, the high scorers from each squad. These two fine pilots recieved the Imperial Security Medal for their efforts.
- Gimel Squadron (sometimes known as "Gimmel") was officially de-actived. 'Nuff said, on to better news.
- Pre-qualifying for the quarter-finals of the Sovereign Squadron League has ended! To the best of my knowledge, no official results (ie - announcement from GN Wolly) have been released yet. More to come ... I'm sure that those of you that placed bets will be watching very closely!
- Time for a brief retraction! In the last wing report, I indicated that Hey Squadron would be awarded a CRR of Level 6 ... that information was incorrect. Hey tested using a Free Mission instead of a battle, which means they were instead awarded a CRR of Level 4 -- the highest they could achieve under the circumstances. Great work, Hey! 100% participation is VERY impressive.
- Hey Squadron intra-squadron competition continues! Objective is to earn as many FCHG points as possible before the deadline, with a Hey Squad Golden TIE to be awarded to the winner. LT Josh Popelka was last reported to be in the lead ...
- Beth Squadron is also running an intra-squad competition, using the old "mine racing" mission from TO competition #3. The objective is to destroy the mines as quickly as possible, with the winner being the pilot with the fastest time. This intrigued me so much that I will be unofficially taking part myself. Deadline is November 25th!
- The latest edition of 'BattleCry' has been released by our own CPT Werdna Elbee! Be sure to read it at : http://battlecry.ehnet.org/
- CM Osan'gar and LC Sequoh have started a Beth vs. Hey competition! The top five scores from each squad will be averaged; the squad with the highest average will be pronounced the winner. ISMs to be awarded to the top two overall scorers! Mission to fly is FREE-XWA #21, deadline is November 27th. [ http://www.imperialacademy.org/compdetails.asp?ID=241 ]
- CM Jaster Sadista is refining a process to allow Aleth to compete against TIECD/95 squads! More news on this exciting development as it becomes available.
Wing III Orders
----------------------
- Well, we had a fairly decent turn out for the Wing III 'Place your Bets' competition! Here are the pilots who have successfully placed their bets on the winner of the Sov Squadron League, in the order I recieved them :
CMDR/MAJ Daniel Kamprath
FL/LCM Nurel Turr
FM/LT Psylocke
CMDR/LC Sequoh Marden
CMDR/CM Osan'gar
CMDR/CM Jaster Sadista
Only time will tell which of these officers wins the ISM! I'll keep you posted with all the latest from the Sov SL play-offs.
[ http://www.imperialacademy.org/compdetails.asp?ID=244 ]
- Are you ready for December? I hope so, because December 1st will mark the beginning of the month-long "Wing III Christmas Bash" competition! Expect this baby to be multi-catagory, with boosted rewards going out to anyone who can win more than one catagory ... !
Wing III Quote of the Week
----------------------------------------
"Its nice to be back and ironically under the command of my replacement ..." -- COL Raith returns home to Beth Squadron
Other notable quotes this week :
"I was wondering if you had any funny or embarrassing stories you could tell us about Seq, Werdna, and Var from way back when they were just LTs." -- Cray Mikalen tries to dig up some juicy stories from before Seq was drinking milk and fruit juice
"The US is so screwed up. We can't even count right. Don't even get me started on Florida." -- CM Jaster Sadista, reporting from yesterday in a galaxy that's not very far away ...
"Now when COL Raith have joined us, is it partytime again?" -- LCM Loor has booze on his mind
"Basically partytime has never ended and because of my recent promo and Sas' promotion to GN it should still continue for a while - let's just hope we aren't attacked during this time, but in case they come to the Wing III cantina we could still scare him away with our Wing III drinking song.. *Seq starts to sing: What do you do with a drunken rebel.....*" -- Words of wisdom from Sequoh, the new LC
"Yeah, Raithy was my CMDR a while back when Beth was first growing up." -- CPT Werdna Elbee recalls some past memories
"AND last but not least, For best in show: Aleth!!!!!! oh, we're not in it, are we." -- LCM Nurel Turr tries to bet on Aleth
"I always though these bets where illegal in the imperial army, because one time they made bets if one pilot could disassemble his TIE and build it together again - and he failed... I remember the Wing's command staff was not very pleased with that...." -- Sequoh reminds us all to bet responsibly ;-)
"Welcome to the both of you to Aleth Squadron. I am LCM Nurel Turr, the XO of this derelict (Kidding guys!) outfit. We are just a bunch of average guys trying to make it in RL and EH life, ok, some of us aren't average. We aren't the best, but we do have heart." -- LCM Turr welcomes Aleth's newest refugees from Gimel
"Ooompa-Lumpa Duupadee Doo,
I've got another riddle for you.
What do you get when your in Wing III,
Getting paid a veeeery minimal fee,
Spending all day shooting down Rebels,
And then for fun, looking at pebbles,
Spending all day eating tortes?"
-- Jaster has been in the cantina for FAR too long!
"See the Wing III report (if it ever comes out, SAS!)." -- Well, you're reading it aren't you, JASTER! ;-)
"No way, Sasquatch, you'll need all that historical detail when you compile your memoirs! You know, the coming tome, 'General Sasquatch, Big Strong Foot of the Emperors Hammer.' " -- Retired WC Gallows has come up with the perfect title for my book!
"I know some CMDRs who are going to be running laps on the Sov--on the outside!" -- WC Inkwolf prepares for keel-haulings!
"Buy the new Pentium IV so you can reboot faster." -- Anonymous
"Fifthly, Sov pets. Speaking of Crusher, Psi Squadron over in Wing II wins the prestigious "We talked trash to FA Kramer and now have Napoleon [FA Kramer's giant Arowana -- Sas] to deal with as a result" award. What are YOUR squads doing to incur my wrath?
Latest standings are:
Wing I - Dark Troopers on constant patrol, no resistance encountered. ATR
Silencer and T/D Sleipnir always being shined by lazy pilots.
Wing II - Napoleon recently reassigned. Constant uprisings, conflicts, and
chaos. A veritible warzone. Rexcruitment on the rise.
Wing III - ScorpTroopers on detail. Sightings of a large, fur covered mammal
reported - no actual evidence to confirm. Investigations continue.
Wing IV - ScorpTroopers on detail recently recalled. Comfy Chair installed
and operating nicely.
Wing V - Spy Rats gathering information on "Snippy" . . . formulating plan of
attack. Candyland and Jaded Strumpet still recovering from Pit escapades.
Wing VI - Due to clerical error, Wing VI is still getting a full Wing's
rations. Strangely, Crusher (my Hutt Secretary) has taken up residence in the
Ra Squadron Barracks to compensate. S/He promises to investigate the "error"
and find LC Joe (missing, presumed "Pit Diving")"
-- FA Kramer reports on the current 'status' of the Sovereign ;-)
Misc.
--------
- This weeks discussion topic : If those Bothan spies were so great, then why did so many of the little buggars have to die to get some simple plans to the Rebels?
Okay, that's gonna wrap it up for this weeks report. You know the routine ... until we meet again, Fly high and watch your six!!!
WC/GN Sasquatch / Wing III / SSSD Sovereign
[BSx3] [PCx11] [ISMx9] [MoT-gh] [CoB] [LoA] [OV-2E] [IWATS-SM-TT-TM-M-IIC-GFX] [GALL]
M-T/A 'Silhouette'
Wing III - Phantoms
"We are your Grim Reaper"