Pilots,
Welcome to the first edition of "Twelve in a Quiver," the Crossbow Squadron Weekly Squadron Report. It is my personal goal throughout the running time of this weekly newsletter to make you laugh, cry, and perhaps, even use the bathroom once or twice. So, where to start off, that's probably what you're all asking yourselves, or if you're not, don't worry about asking, because by the time you read this, I'll probably have figured out where to start off, or I'll have elected not to write WSRs... ever, and maybe I resigned by now. Who knows.
I'm going to work this edition tried and true, and start off with some EH News. But before I do that, I'd better retract my resignation. ::Winks:: You're stuck with me, folks.
EH NEWS:
The first segment in this episode of "Twelve in a Quiver" will be the Fleet News, more commonly known as "EH News." Ah, the Emperor's Hammer. Home of the true... the proud... the brave... the socially challenged. Just look at who you have as a Commander! Just so you know, I will not just copy and paste the TC news from the eh.net site. I loath doing that. So here's your news, well the news that I think you need to know. Or more to the point, the news I'm going to tell you.
1. Striker gets the last laugh:
Fleet Admiral Striker was promoted to High Admiral for his service as the Emperor's Hammer Tactical Officer. High Admiral. HA. Get it? Ha? Laugh? Okay, corny joke, forget that. At any rate, I actually agree with good old Astatine's decision here. Striker's a good man. Too bad he won about 75% of the Golden Tug Awards. He's the Tactical Officer! Am I the only one who sees the potential for cheating there? Bah... forget it.
2. Two interviews not enough? Please sir, may I have another?
Aaron Allston has been interviewed by the Emperor's Hammer. For the third time in two years. Look, I already know way too much about the guy. Maybe one of you cares. He wrote a couple X-Wing books. Frankly, I used to read the Star Wars books, but the Rebels always win, so I stopped. If you want to read it... here's the URL: http://www.emperorshammer.org/news.htm#news1a
3. Attack of the Clones! ...Again!
It looks like Lucas Arts is trying to make their eith terrible game in a row. What, you don't believe me? Pod Racer, Force Commander(I like it, but the overwhelming majority hates it), Rebellion(I like it, but the overwhelming majority hates it), Galactic Battlegrounds, Star Wars: Episode 1, Starfighter, Demolition, and now... The Clone Wars! Coming to a highly overpriced console system near you!
4. Yay Khadgay!
One of my good friends, Combat Operations Officer Vice Admiral Khadgar(Known by me as Khadgay) has received a Grand Order of the Emperor. And if Trow or Badlan are reading this... That's GoE!
5. The Fleet is pained...
Ramos' loss still leaves a gaping whole in the Command Staff's ranks, who seek a new Logistics Officer. Now would be the time to go to the bathroom, kiddies.
6. Guess who's back? Back again!
Shady's back... err... I mean... High Admiral Rapier, my first Commander ever(When I was in Shield, circa 1997), has returned to become our Internet Service Provider. Err, our Imperial Sovereign Protector. ISP. Whatever.
Well that about does it for Fleet News. Maybe now you're getting a feel for how I work. Yes? Good. No? Read the Fleet News again. This time, read the descriptions. Puncuation marks the end of a thought. Or as close to them as I can get.
Who Cares?
This week's "Who Cares" is...
The first two digits in Captain "The Lamer" Mark's PIN multiplied by two equal the last two digits in his PIN. Who cares?
The next segment will be the Wing News. This news is obviously localized to the Wing. By "the Wing" I mean "THE Wing." By "THE Wing" I mean Wing IX. It is THE Wing. I don't care about Wing I-VIII, X-Infinite. I care about Wing IX. And you should, too.
Wing News:
1. Oh my God! It's a recruit!
Look, I don't know what all this fus is over this new recruit we've gotten. But, hey, welcome to the wing, etc. etc. If you guys do what I tell you, we'll REALLY have twelve in our quiver. ::Rimshot:: I'm serious. Once we get good, people will line up to join Crossbow. Ask Rejili, he'll recount our days in Dagger. I had a WAITING list.
2. Guess who's back... using the same joke twice...
Yeah, that's right, I'm back as a Commander. This is my fifth time being a Commander, so I know what I'm doing. If you mess up, I'll cut your balls off. All of your balls >:P
3. "Yaaaaaaayy Drinkey!"~~~Colonel V. G. Ricaud
We have a new competition, formulated by yours truly. The Relentless needs a drinking song! It can be an original piece, or just a parody. Send it to me, Lohr, and Krax by July 31st.
That about wraps it up. We're about halfway through. About.
Quote of the Week:
The next section is... Squadron News! Yaaaaaaaay! This is the place that I speak about new happenings in the Squadron.
Squadron News:
1. New Message Board! Use it. NOW!!!!! http://www.emperorshammer.net/mb/view.asp?b=101
NOW! STOP READING! GO GO GO!
2. New Communications Officer:
That's right, Lieutenant Commander Rejili "NT" Holthaus is our new Communications Officer. He'll be all over the Squadron message board and this email list. RIGHT?!
3. Fresh meat:
Colonel Blade has stepped into the light from the darkness that is the SSSD Sovereign. Be gentle with him for a while, it'll take a bit of time for him to break out of his Sov-brainwashing.
Almost there! Squadron Status. This is the segment I speak about activity in the squadron, competitions, things to fix, etc.
Squadron Status:
1. Nickname/Motto Competition:
I have received one submission for this competition. This is not acceptable. Maybe I didn't come across as clear when I stepped up to the plate here. Competitions are manditory unless I proclaim otherwise. It gets you guys out there and kicking some arse for Crossbow's Banner. I'm extending this competition another week. I expect three more submissions.
2. Recruiting Competition:
I have received no submissions for this competition. Whether you want to be the Squad's Recruiting Officer or not doesn't matter. That can be discussed if/when you win the comp. The winner still gets a medal, and this is an easy way to get one. I'll extend this another week as well. I expect four more submissions.
Alright, two more sections. This next one is my weekly rant. This is where I give a speech reflecting on the week. And, if you've been good, I take an event that's happened in my life and give you a funny story. If you've been naughty, then it's just a pep talk.
Malaktos Mania:
Well this week wasn't so good, but I'll give you guys this one. You haven't been active up to this point, and I'm a demanding Commander. I realize that. But, before you get to read anything funny, I still have to give you a rant. Communication has not been good. I expected this, and thus, appointed a Communications Officer far sooner than I normally would have. How far do you guys want to go in Crossbow? If you stick with me, and do what I tell you, we'll have a full roster, dozens of citations, and a reputation that's even longer. If you stick with me. You probably think I'm going to say something like "Shape up or ship out." Wrong. I'm going to say this: Shape up. You don't have a choice. I'm not giving you that 'ship out' option here, folks. I'll work to improve, and you'll work to improve. It's as simple as that. Because I can tell you now, if you were planning on just laying back and responding to an email and working to be an average pilot in an average squadron this summer, change your plans. I don't accept mediocrity.
I'm sure you've noticed, however, that I provide ample opportunities to advance yourself, and I give ample rewards for simply trying. To that end, I am attempting to fill my two Flight Leader positions. But, I think I'll only fill one for now. In the days to follow, he who aids me the most in bringing this squadron into operating order will be promoted to Flight Leader of Flight II. I encourage you all to get IRC. And, I encourage you to email me. Because I don't count IRC as an email. I know when I'm on IRC, I'm idling half the time. Most people do. Anyway, get to it, guys.
As for a funny story, I don't have much this week, it's been really quiet around Malaktos Country. There was the time, however, when I was working at the restaurant that I drove all the way home with their phone in my back pocket and didn't notice it until today when I took it back. Stop looking at the screen funny, it's not hard to do!
Personnel Status:
1-1 COL Dan Malaktos
On IRC
Promoted to CMDR
Created Drinking Song Competition
Created Nickname/Motto Competition
Created Recruiting Competition
1-2 COL Doyon
On IRC
No E-mail! Mail me!
No Submission for Nickname/Motto Comp
No Submission for Recruiting Comp
1-3 LT Victor Mareel
No E-mail! Mail me!
No Submission for Nickname/Motto Comp
No Submission for Recruiting Comp
Transferring out(Until you're out of Crossbow, you are under my jurisdiction and WILL participate in Squadron events)
1-4 COL Blade
Transferred in
Sent E-mail
No Submission for Nickname/Motto Comp
No Submission for Recruiting Comp
2-4 LCM Rejili Holthaus
On IRC
Sent E-mail
Submitted for Nickname/Motto Comp
No Submission for Recruiting Comp
Promoted to Squadron Communications Officer
Colonel D. S. "Instigator" Malaktos
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CMDR/COL Dan "Instigator" Malaktos/Crossbow 1-1/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
BSx2/PCx2/ISMx6/MoI/MoT-1rh-4gh/LoC-CSx8/CoS/CoL/LoA/OV-4E
[GALL] {IWATS-CORE-AIM-GFX-IIC/1/2-M/1/2-RT-SM/2/3-TM-XTT}
[TIE Defender "Hand of the Apocalypse"]
{PIN 4197}
"You take'a my sandwich? I break'a yo' face! I break'a! I break'a! I break'a yo' face!"