Welcome to the millenium edition of the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!
With your host, everybody's favorite nerd, Steven Q. Urkel!
::Sappy music::
::Urkel falls over the chair::
Urkel> Heh heh heh! Did I do that? ::snort::
::Crowd roars with applause::
::Dan Malaktos barges in with a T-21 Repeating Blaster Rifle, and presses it against Urkel's temple::
Dan> Not while I'm around, nerdboy!
Urkel> Why don't we get along, it's the new millenium!
Dan> Well... ok!
Bob, in a deep voice> That's right, loyal viewers! For all you bastards that thought last year was the new millenium, think again! Welcome to...
~~~~~~~~~~~THE MELLENIUM ISSUE OF THE DAGGER REPORT!~~~~~~~~~~~
With your host, Dan "Instigator Malaktos!"
Special guest host, Steven Q. Urkel!
Special performance by... the Rockettes!
And a bunch of stupid guest appearances by... members of Wing IX of the ISD Relentless! That's right, folks! You might be featured! KEEP WATCHING!
Bill> And, we're off. Commercial break in 5... 4... 3... 2... Get the commercial rolling!
::Screen fades to commercial::
Badlan> Hello, friends. I'm here to talk to you about Rosebud. Yes, Rosebud frozen green peas. Filled with country goodness and... green pea-ness. Wait a minute! This script sucks! That was stupid! I quit!
Dan, in the background> ... So I says to them, AHH! MY PENIS! IT FELL OFF! HELP ME FIND IT!
Bill> Uhoh... tell Dan we're back on.
Dan> Uh-oh... Urkel... Stall.
Urkel> Ok, Laura.
Dan> Don't call me that. Infact, I've had enough of your crap.
::Dan blasts Urkel with his rifle::
Dan> Ok, now that that's over with--
Urkel, showing some circuitry> YOU CAN NEVER DEFEAT ME!
::Urkel then blows up::
Dan> ... Ok. Now, here's what I say. This millenium's gonna be just as stupid as the last one. I'm gonna see to it. Let's kick off the millenium with the number one, stupidest thing that happened. Yes, we're working top down.
The number one stupidest thing is... envelope, please.
::Bob hands Dan an envelope, and Dan opens it::
Dan> The number one, stupidest thing that happened all millenium is..... Saddam Hussein's parents having sex! Captain Ted has an exclusive interview with the deceased Mrs. Hussein, who has an explanation for her actions:
Ted> Hey, Dan.
Dan> Roll camera.
~~~~~
Ted> So what's your message to the entire world to make up for what you and Mr. Hussein did?
Hussein> Whoops. Sorry. My bad.
Ted> Back to you, Dan.
~~~~~
Dan> Doesn't quite cover it, does it?
Ted> Well, that's what we're trying to figure out. I have a crack team trying to figure it out. Best analysts on the Rel.
Dan> Not much to choose from.
Ted> Well, we've got Commander Tack...
::Tack stops stuffing crayons up his nose::
Ted> Lieutenant Commander Stallion...
Stallion> 8...9...10... 10 fingers! Now for the toes!
Ted> And Lieutenant Bart.
::Bart is holding his joystick, eyes glazed over::
Dan> Well what do you think, why do you think Hussein did the dirty thing with Mr. Hussein?
Ted> What's the dirty thing?
Stallion> Baths are cleaaaaaaaan.
Bart> Wha?
::Tack sneezes out 15 crayons::
Tack> Where's the last one?!
Stallion> Do you think he means SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEX?
Tack> AHH! SEX! BAD WORD!
Ted> No it isn't. SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX!
Bart> TIE Fighter?
Stallion> No! SEX!
Tack> AHH!!! STOP IT!
Ted> SEEEEEEX!
Bart> Missile?
Ted> SEEEEEEEX!
Stallion> ... ABSTINANCE!
::Everyone gets quiet::
Ted>.... Sex?
Bart> SEEEEX!
Dan> Ok, that's about enough. Get away.
::Stallion, Ted, Tack, and Bart walk away, hands in their pants::
Dan> Jeez... cut to another break.
::Screen fades out::
Doyon> Hello everyone. This show is sponsored by Mrs. Pell's fishsticks.
::Doyon takes out a frozen fishstick and eats it::
Doyon> Mrs. Pell's fishsticks! They're even better when they're RAW! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dan, off camera> Someone shoot him!
::Screen fades out::
Dan> Ok... that was... nice. Ok, I'm actually going to put this to use now, and do what I'm supposed to. Here's the EH News, told by Lieutenant Rejili Holthaus:
EH NEWS:
... Hello everyone. First...
::Rejili's eyes beating back and forth::
The ASF, right? They're going to have a... ::whispering:: Competition.
::Rejili looks around some more::
Then... a bunch of people, from this club, the EH, they're going to inconspicuously meet during some holiday about an island with big heads... and then they're going to do some shady stuff with some jedis in Germany!
But, what makes this really wierd, is, some other people... in Poland... they're gonna do the same thing!
Then, my sources tell me that they will all take their copies of Force Commander... and burn them in a giant bonfire and take over Iraq.
And last, Colonel Ricaud... he hates me... and anyway... he he he he, he's on another page... on the Wing IX Combat Ratings page... he's EVERYWHERE!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
::Screen fades out::
Doyon> NO! LEAVE ME ALONE! GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT!
::A steamroller flattens Doyon::
::Screen fades back in::
Dan> Erm... technical difficulties folks.
Doyon> NO!!! GET AWAY!!!!
::Doyon fades in, carrying a box of fishsticks::
Doyon> HAAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! Mrs. Pell's fishsticks! They're even better when you're DEAD!
::Doyon fades out::
Dan> Ok, next we have... the number two stupidest thing done all millenium. And that is... The Bushes having sex! Wait a minute....
::Dan looks through all the envelopes::
Dan> These are all about people having sex! My parents are in here! Wait a second! Ok, screw that. There's one not about someone having sex... number seven... stupidest thing.... all millenium.... the Miami Dolphins?! WHO WROTE THESE?! Ah, forget it. Next, we have Wing News with... Colonel Ricaud! In the spirit of the first Dagger Report ever we have Colonel Val--
Ricaud> For once in your life, Dan, shut up, damn it.
Dan> ... Yes, sir.
WING NEWS:
Ok, first thing, you better be damned happy all your stupid Commanders got in their MSEs. By stupid, I exclude Dan. He's beyond stupid. I don't know why I ever appointed him Commander. Everyday, he gives me twenty three point five reasons to fire him. But I don't. Why? Amusement. I like being amused. And long walks on the beach... and talks about flowers... and... liquor. Which brings us to the drink of the week. Normally, I give you some wierd legitimite drink. Not anymore. Here's the drink:
Dead Drunk:
Vodka
Peach Schnaups
Gin
Ice
Directions:
Cram the ice down your throat until breathing become difficult. Make sure not to use crushed ice, but large cubes. Next, pour down all three drinks at once. The reaction should melt the ice. At least it did on the lab rat... or maybe that was the blood. At any rate, if you're lucky, you'll live, and be unconcious. It's win-win!
Next, we have the BG nominations. Akagi, who sent Dan sixty eight bsfs gets the win for pilot. Sword got best squad, Lohr got best Commander, and Steve got best cricket bat.
Lastly, the MP Honour guard will face up against some Avenger Wing.
Dan> Thank you.
Ricaud> Did I say I was done?
Dan> No.
Ricaud> Shut up when you're talking to me!
Dan> What?
Ricaud> I'm done.
Dan> You've been drinking, haven't you?
Ricaud> IT BURNS!
Dan> Commercial...
::Screen fades out::
Trow> Hello, Wing IXers! I'm Lieutenant Trow. As you probably know, my BSF count is up to two. With my newly found elite-ness, I have discovered Pan. Like all of the culturally elite, I worship Pan, the goat-god.
Dan, off camera> FADE OUT! FADE OUT!
::Screen fades out::
Dan> Hey, weren't the Rockettes supposed to be coming?
Bill> Nah, that was to boost our ratings. They're not coming.
::Ratings drop to three people in Oklahoma::
Dan> Ahh... we're on? Ugh, roll the stupid things I said!
Malaktos> Ahhh this trying not to be an asshole is hurting my head :P
Malaktos> say something like: AHH!!! MY PENIS! IT FELL OFF! HELP ME FIND IT!
Dan> Not enough.... ok, Squad News... I guess.
SQUADRON NEWS:
Well, guys, it's been.. well it's been a week. DeBastide and Holthaus got promoted to Lieutenant Commander, Aragorn got the coveted-by-many ISM... Manticore got a pin that says "I'm the XO of Dagger Squadron!" Quite a week. Rust is leaving us, though :P But, Talon Ray Hunter came
XO's Address:
From the Office of the XO
Alright everyone. Once again unto the breach, as they say. Our Comp with Hey Squadron is underway, and everyone has gotten my email about what I discovered about them, hopefully. If not, email me so I can send you a copy. Now then, as said in the email, I believe our key to success is 100% participation, b/c I found out that even fewer than the eight Hey members own TIE Fighter (they all own XvTIE or X-Alliance, I'm not sure which). Anyway just remember that little tidbit and it should all come out in the end. This concludes my report. Until then, "Speak softly and carry a blaster, you will go far."
FL/LCM Manticore/Dagger 2-1/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
ISMx3 [HUSS] {IWATS-M/1}
[A/GUN Death's Head]
Dagger Squadron Executive Officer
SQUADRON STATUS:
We're currently in a comp with Hey. The Mission: FREE TIE 119
Fly it!
After that, we're gonna do something a bit different. To promote working with other squadrons, Hammer and Dagger will be working together to create a runon :)
Over the month to come, I will be giving you guys tasks of increasing difficulty that will expand your abilities. In the mean time, I suggest you download the following:
TFW(www.tiecorps.org/battles/), go to the tactical manual
A graphics utility
Also, I notice alot of people on leave. I expected this. Pretty soon, everyone will get back, and I can see the tfrs are already rolling in. But, I'm going to remind you of my policy. I will not submit BSFs for a pilot unless he/she sends me the completed tfr of a pending competition. However, one main thing I see. It's not too bad, but, the amount of messages over the DaggerSquad egroups has gone down a bit, but it's getting up there again. I expect comms to increase... Rejili?
PERSONAL ACHIEVMENTS:
CMDR/CPT Dan Malaktos
-Did CMDRly things
-Hung out on IRC
FM/LT Aragorn
1/2/01 - Completed TC-TIE 77
1/2/01 - Informed of leave
1/3/01 - Awarded ISM
FM/LCM Leonid DeBastide
1/4/01 - Promoted to Lieutenant Commander
FL/LCM Manticore
-Reported in
-Sent in FL report
-Sent in XO report
FM/LT Alun Tringad
1/2/01 - Informed of Leave
FM/COL Ristsuko Akagi
-Hung out on IRC
FL/LCM Rejili Holthaus
1/4/01 - Promoted to Lieutenant Commander
1/5/01 - Made Malaktos' Uniform
FM/LT Fireball
1/2/01- Informed of extra leave
Captain D. S. "Instigator" Malaktos
@======{---}=======[---]============>->->->
CMDR-SR-CVROY/CPT Dan Malaktos/Dagger/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
BS/PCx2/ISMx6/MoI/MoT-4gh/CoS/OV-3E
[CAVL] {IWATS-Core IIC/1/2 mIRC/1/2 RT SM/2 TM GFX}
[T/D Hand of the Apocalypse]
[E/S Orion's Belt]
--==(*)Chief Viceroy(*)==--
{PIN 4197}
"Join the Relentless! It makes your hometown better!"