Note: This report contains pretty flashing lights in order to make MAJ TopDawg pay attention. Normal service now resumes.




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GRUDGE MATCH
This week:
Optical Mice
vs
Starting Fires With The Power of Your Mind

With your hosts - Kessler and CoHo

Kessler: Hey CoHo, check out my new optical mouse. Is uses lightwaves and particles and photons and stuff to read where my hand is moving, because it is smarter. That's right, we've entered the age of Inteligent machines, and my new mouse is one of them. It doesn't even need a mousepad. It READS the very DESKTOP. It's like a genius. My new mouse rules. I can crank up the sensitivity like a sensitive lover puttin' on the slow jazz. That's right. My new mouse OWNS YOU. You are weak! I'm serious. This thing is incredible. Let's talk about the smoother response, and the lack of the mousepad, and the no-needing of the cleaning of it, or something to that effect. I'll have to read the manual. My point is: MY NEW OPTICAL MOUSE IS AMAZING, and you, sir, with your freakish mental mutant powers, are inferior. That's right. I have a new optical mouse, and all you have is an old mouse with -- why yes, look here -- a dirty, dusty, grungy ball. That's weak. You're a weak little man. What are you gonna do about that, huh fatty? How's it feel to be a sissygirl, hmmm pansyboy? Huh? Huh?
[Kessler bursts into flames]


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Gentlemen, start your engines.

The Squadron League season will be upon us as soon as GN Wolly recovers from Christmas, and that means you lazy bums will be expected to do NOTHING other than fly and win the League until the smoke clears and the dust settles. Once again, anything extra you want to d is great, but I don't expect anything apart from 200% effort for the League. And once that's over...


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Tornado Supremacy Tour
Yep, we'll be back on the warpath again. So far it's Battlegroups 2 - Tornado 5, with only Typhoon and Iota Squadrons beating us so far. Our next targets are the ISD Relentless again, and by a strange twist of fate, Iota Squadron recently transferred whole to Wing IX and are now known as Hammer Squadron, ISD Relentless! This means we get some payback, and we can prove to ourselves that Iota's win first time round was fluke ;)


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Battlegroup Ace Pilot
Our very own CM Xyrryc (even though VA Jarak keeps calling him CPT) is defending his title against none other than COL Val "Nimrod" Ricaud. I've seen Xyrryc's score and it's scary! Remember to chew before you swallow, Xyrryc ;)


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Jerry Returns from the Dead
The rumours of LCM Jerry's demise were greatly exaggerated. While it's true that all that remains of his original PC are a few burn marks on his desk, Jerry is back up and running with his trusty P200.

P200? Eeeeeewww.

We won't expect him to be playing XWA any time soon, then ;)


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Wing Combat Ratings
Multiplayer Combat ratings are now available at the TIE Corps Rosters on a Wing by Wing basis. Wing X's entry reveals that none other than COLONEL KESSLER is the Wing X TopGun.

Damn, that's sad :P


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Dark Lord of the Week



The highly prestigious title of Dark Lord of the Week is only given to the person who has most advanced the success of the Squadron, amused the CMDR, or slipped me the most £5 notes in a brown paper bag. This week's winner is:

FM / LCM Jerry

He's not dead! He's just resting.

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Ewok of the Week


Yub Yub!

Every story has a hero, every journey has a first step, every Fleet has a pilot who's as much use as an ashtray on a speeder bike. This weeks' Prize Ewok is none other than:

Wing X

For being worse multiplayer pilots than Old man Kessler
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"It's just you, me and Smith and Wesson."

The Usual Suspects

Flight One - The Missile Magnets
Fighter Pilots Make Movies - Bomber Pilots Make History
CMDR-AMB/COL Kyle "Old Man" Kessler
Designed ISD Challenge Banner for COM
PC Awarded

FM/MAJ "Snoop-Doggy" TopDawg
Entranced by the pretty lights

FM/LC Corran "Damn I'm Gorgeous" Horn
Busy waxing his legs
FL/LCM Kaedryl "Beer Monster" Di'Mathe
Hung over


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Flight II - The Brylcreem Boys
Kissing Ass and Taking Names
FL/CPT "Mister Empire" Kou-Taiki
Polishing his boots

FM/CPT "Daddy" Shakur
Shak finally takes a break.

FM/CPT "Old Man River" Fishbone
Still rolling along

FM/CM "Darth Vile" Xyrryc
Defended Battlegroup Ace Title against COL Ricaud
Flew Free-TIE 129 - NEW HIGH SCORE :)


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Flight III - The High Priests of Love
We're the Love Commandos and this is a Raid!
FL/CM Callum "The Shadow" Veers
Lurking in the background

FM/MAJ Aven "Hermann the German" Kronn
Invading France

FM/LCM "Uncle Fester" Jerry
Back from the dead

FM/LCM Kaoru "Junior" Miki
Zip


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Peace, Love, Shave the Wookie.

CMDR-AMB/COL Kyle Kessler/Tornado Squadron/Wing X/ISD Challenge
MoH/IC/OoR/GOE/GSx2/SSx4/BSx9/PCx4/ISMx10/CoB/MoI-DC/ISx3/LoC-PSx34/OV-3E [PLDN]
[IWATS][IIC/3][M/2][SM/1][TT][XTT][CBX]][XA-A][GFX]
Battlegroup Command Advisor
http://www.xtc56.dial.pipex.com/deathwind.htm


The contest no-one finds: Name the movie quoted in the activity reports and win a mystery prize from the CMDR's Waste Bin
Last week's answer - "You shoot me in your dreams you better wake up and apologise."
"Mister White - Reservoir Dogs" Winner - No-one