Welcome to another episode of the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!
With your host, Major Dan Seth "Instigator" Malaktos!
::Sappy music::
Thank you, thank you. For those of you who don't know, this show has been off the air due to myself being held in the holding cell of General Steve's quarters. The crime: forgetting it was my turn to polish Steve's handle. Due to the fact that I'll probably be imprisoned in roughly 35 minutes for releasing that information, we will not expand on my life in the prison cell.
There's alot of ground we have to cover to make up for lost time. But first, I need a bit of insurance. You wouldn't want me to get battered to death by an angry cricket bat, would you? Lohr? Are the wood chippers in place?
::Lohr Zadash wheels a giant wood chipper into view::
Lohr> This baby can destroy a five square kilometer forest in three seconds flat.
Dan> Are you sure?
Lohr> No, but it can handle probably a tree. What're we using this for?
Dan> If Steve tries to kill me.
Lohr> You're going to shred Steve?
Dan> Only if he tries to shred me first.
Lohr> Alright.
Dan> You know we're on the air, you'll probably get fired.
Lohr> Eh. Whatever ::shrugs::
Dan> Don't you care?
Lohr> I'm bored. Bring on the shredding!
Dan> Alright... Set that up by the door.
::Lohr wheels the chipper off::
Let's start off with a new segment I like to call "I bet you won't make Tack do that!"
::Dan pulls out a card::
Major Ted writes:
'I bet you won't make Tack shove his head in a holding cell with a rabid Ewok trained to eat human flesh!'
You bet wrong, Major! Bring him out, Bob!
Bob> He left.
Dan> So go to the lounge and get him!
Bob> No, he's gone.
Dan> What?
Bill> Mu.
Dan> What are you a cow? Where is he?
Bob> Mu!
Dan> You too?
Bill> MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
Bob> Mu SQUADRON!
Dan> Ah. Change of segment name. "I bet you won't make Tiger do that." Well you bet wrong, Ted! Bring him out, Bob!
::Tiger walks in waving::
Tiger> Hi everyone! I'm on T.V.! Look Ma!
Dan> Hi Tiger. Do you know what I'm going to make you do?
Tiger> Take a check and go to the lounge?
Dan> Good guess! No! I'm going to make you shove your head in a holding cell with a rabid Ewok trained to eat human flesh! How's that sound?
Tiger> Umm... bad?
Dan> Oh well! Do it!
Tiger> No!
Dan> Insubordination!
Tiger> Alright, alright....
::Tiger shoves his head in a large circle shaped hole in a transparasteel wall, where a rabid Ewok is running about::
Dan> Atta-boy!
::Pounding is heard at the door::
Dan> Open the door, Lohr, please.
Lohr> It's Steve!
Steve> What in the bloody hell are you doing? Where's Dan-- is that a wood chipper?!
Dan> ::Whispering:: Turn it on!
Lohr> Yeah... wanna see? ::Lohr flips the switch::
Steve> Shut that thing off! It's dangerous!
::Steve is sucked in, and a large saw is heard, followed by shredding and screaming::
Dan> Whew.
::Sawdust is spewed all over::
Lohr> Smells funny...
Dan> Don't breathe it in!
Bob> Crap! Lungs hurt!
Bill> Losing.. consciousness...
Dan> Steve has his revenge!
Lohr> Hurting lungs...
::Ricaud barges in::
Ricaud> STEVE! NO!!!! Oh well, might as well read the news, after you filthy bastards destroyed my only friend.
::Tiger screams, then his body goes limp::
EH NEWS:
1. Grand Master discovers he isn't so grand! That's right folks, the former Science Officer, Zoraan, tried to break the Dark Brotherhood off... like the way it was before. To which, Sector Admiral Kawolski promptly said: "Kiss off." Zoraan is no longer Grand Master. The new GM is Chi-Long... Faethor. Hey Zoraan? KAWOLSKI SAYS 'NO!'
2. Kawolski... re-promoted? That's right, he's now a Sector Admiral again. An anonymous source of mine says in three months, Ronin will create a new rank to promote Kawolski to. This will be following the creation of the 'Kawolski Officer.' KO for short. The KO will have the task of the Flight Officer, Tactical Officer, and Executive Officer, but get promotional authority to Super Grand Omnipotent Admiral.
3. Flag down the flag officers! As has become the weekly tradition of the TIE Corps, more Flag Officers have been appointed. Admiral Havoc has been appointed to CA:FO. VA Cyric to ASFCOM. RA Woobee(Not a wookiee) to Grey Wolf(A.K.A. Gray Wolf) COM. Next week, if no Flag Officers resign, rumour has it some will be fired.
4. Lucas Arts changes its name to the Artful Dodger. Another shoddy attempt at making up for lost revenues from Force Commander? Star Wars Battleground is another strategy game, which probably won't measure up to my favourite strategy, and all around games of Homeworld, and Homeworld: Cataclysm, both made by Sierra. Awesome games, people.
WHO CARES?
Vice Admiral Ricaud, Battle Groups Commander, was the one to reccommend Ramos for Shield Commander. What the hell was he thinking?!
WING NEWS:
1. CM Da'emon Narshay has been promoted to CMDR of Shield! Major Kane will be staying as an FM, which I won't be doing.
2. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Superman? No! It's X! Yes, he's back! Able to leap tall buildings without even doing it. Email me if you need access.
3. Ted promoted to Major! Yay! Party at Ted's!
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"Quake, give Doyon your script"--Major Dan Malaktos
"No. It's built for me."--Vice Admiral Quake Harlander
"I hope he will build a dildo for his ass too"--Colonel Doyon
SQUADRON NEWS:
1. Everyone give a warm welcome to Commander Ric Gravin... He's BAAAAAAAAAAACK! He's in 2-2, and is ready to kick some butt!
2. Start using those message boards. All in all, guys, I'm sick and tired of people not being able to log in. I will be relocating them, methinks.
SQUADRON STATUS:
1. Send me any last fictions by the fifth...
2. Graphics! Get those done! Quick easy. Open paint, draw a bit.
3. Keep those comms UP! I'm sure you're familiar with my old policy, 'Contact me three times a week.' Guess what? We're doing that again! Yay!
Well, now. We got stuff due that mostly has been done. We got a new addition to my Flight 2, welcome CM Gravin. Everything seems to be fine. Other than the fact that Talon Ray Hunter got AWOLed as you all probably know. Just keep up the good work and we will prove our superiority. I guess thats it and we'll see you all next week.
FL/LCM Manticore/Dagger 2-1/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
ISMx3 [HUSS] {IWATS-M/1}
[A/GUN Honorless]
Dagger Squadron Executive Officer
PERSONAL ACHIEVMENTS:
CMDR/MAJ Dan Malaktos
-Played in ORW
FM/LT Aragorn
-Reported in
-On leave
FL/LCM Manticore
-Reported in
FM/CM Ric Gravin
02/04/01 - Transferred to 2-2
FL/LCM Leonid DeBastide
-Reported in
FM/LCM Rejili Holthaus
-Reported in
Major D. S. "Instigator" Malaktos
@======{---}=======[---]============>->->->
CMDR-SR-CVROY/MAJ Dan Malaktos/Dagger/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
CVROY-WC/MAJ Dan Malaktos/Wing I/DREAD Tranquillity
BS/PCx2/ISMx6/MoI/MoT-4gh/LoCx8/CoS/CoL/LoA/OV-3E
[GALL] {IWATS-Core IIC/1/2 mIRC/1/2 RT SM/2 TM GFX}
[T/D Hand of the Apocalypse]
[E/S Orion's Belt]
--==(*)Chief Viceroy(*)==--
{PIN 4197}
"Join the Relentless! It makes your hometown better!"