Welcome to another episode of the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!
With your host, Commander Dan Seth "Instigator" Malaktos!
::Sappy music::
Thank you, John. What? What do you mean John quit? Oh... well then thank you Bill. That just doesn't sound right. Anyway, my editors tell me that on the last episode it was stated: "Welcome to another episode of the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!" Apparently there is a correction there. As that was the first episode, it should have been: "Welcome to the first episode of the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!" Anyway, this is the first "another episode" so let's get down... to.. busine--
Who the hell is in charge of lighting?! I've been doing the whole intro in the dark! GET THE LIGHTS UP! What? The lighting guy quit? John and the lighting guy?
::A technician whispers in Dan's ear::
John was the lighting guy too?! What happened? Mumbling about "going too far just to make a report for a couple pilots?!" I thought this was EH wide?! Who's in charge of the broadcasting?!
::The technician whispers something else::
That's your job?! You're FIRED!
Who's left on the staff? Bob and Bill?! Damn it! What am I paying you people for?!
Bob>You're not paying us!
What about that liquor I left out for you?!
Bill>Ted stole it!
Well then, make the Ewoks work!
::A buffet of rocks are slung at the stage::
Don't you have colars for them?!
Yeah, that's better.
Ok, let's see now... move that teleprompter forward, I can't read my lines! Ok, our first guest is... LT Lev Gammitt. AGAIN?! I thought we were done with him! Who was in charge of getting a new guest? JOHN!? Get him back! Bob, you go find someone!
Well, while Bob and Bill are gone, and the Ewoks running the show, I guess I should just stall... I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Anyway, MSEs are coming up. So what can you do to get on my good side? I like deep fried Duinuogwuin. But they don't sell that. You'll have to go to the remote planet of D'Ijkaasjkh, kill one, escape, and then deep fry it yourself. They're nasty critters. 7 meters tall, wings, and force users. So be sure to bring an Ysalimir. It might not help you much though as they have a strong exoskeleton. You might want to hire someone to do it.
What's that? You got someone? Who is it? Fine...
::A couple Ewoks chuck a cricket bat into the seat next to Dan::
Dan>Hello Steve.
Steve>It's good to be back.
Dan>Good to have you.
Steve>I'm doing a follow up on last week's trip into the mind of a Dagger Squadron pilot and a trip in the mind of the ego ridden Dan Malakto--
Dan>Are you saying I have an ego problem?!
Steve>It's old, Dan. Stow it.
Dan>...Sorry...
Steve>Anayway, if I can find a way to move, I can take out some charts I have about the morale of a pilot. Here we go. Take a look at this chart.
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Alcohol
Steve>This is a normal pilot's Alcohol-Morale ratio. Obviously, the more alcohol, the higher the morale. Note that
at the end, there is a small decrease in morale.
Dan>Hrm... how did you map this?
Steve>I force fed Commander Tom pints of whiskey until he got happy. The decrease is after he puked 37 times.
Dan>Consecutively?
Steve>No, you think I'm a monster?! I gave him 3 second breaks between pints. Anyway, here is the excessive
drinking pilot's chart, CM Ted.
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Steve>Notice how there is only one platform, and no decline at the end. It also takes more liquor to start the morale increase. Now here is one of your pilots, LT Leonid DeBastide.
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Steve>Note how one of your pilots will actually get depressed without alcohol, and note how much they need to-
Dan>When did you do this to DeBastide?
Steve>I had a contract with him...
Dan>Did you threaten to paddle him?
Steve>NO!
Dan>I think you're harassing my pilots!
Steve>What makes you say that?
Dan>How can anyone drink that much?!
Steve>Well, DeBastide can. And so can Arkette Darkrider...
Dan>Darkrider's been missing for weeks! Are you kidnapping my pilots?!
Steve>It was the rebels! THEY FORCED ME!
Dan>Security!
::A giant woodchuck carries Steve away while biting him::
Ok, who's our next guest? My parents?! SHITE!
::Dan's parents sit in the vacant chairs::
Dan's Dad>Look at you, Mr. Commander, too good to call your parents!
Dan>Well I was going to...
Dan's Mom>Aye, is this your barracks? It's filthy! Where's your hospitality, you can't clean up for your own
mother?
Dan>Mom, I'm 27 years old! I'm not a kid! Leave me alone! It's MY holo-show!
::A technician whispers in Dan's ear::
Dan>What do you mean these aren't my parents? My parents died? Oh yeah... whoops. I'm on to you! Don't
try anything funny!
::The couple run out giggling::
I am told that those were the CMDRs of Sword and Spear. Who dressed as the woman? We may never know...
Anyway, I guess I'd better get on with some useful information...
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EH NEWS
1. The FO is back and she's better than ever, for the EH this Autumn! The FO's BACK! The FO's back and she's gonna kick some arse! She's no longer on leave! The FO's BACK!
2. AOL 6.0 is out, go get it if you use AOL. If you don't, pay me 37 cents.
3. RA Cato promoted to Chief of Staff of the Naval Corps. G-d help them all.
4. After a recent attack on the TIE Corps MBs, by an Alpha Pilot(who shall remain nameless), Kawolski has added in a ban feature to the MBs. YAY!
5. The first Archon of the Fleet Commander's Honor Guard is Colonel Dras Hempor! And there was much shrugging
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Next up we have--
::A squadron of stormtroopers enter the room, and you can almost hear the Imperial March echoing with a variation
on guitar. They hold blasters to Dan's head, and a man dressed in uniform enters with several stormtroopers,
one of which has a stereo on his shoulder, blasting the Imperial March::
Dan>Ah, so that's how they do it...
Jarak>Commander, you have been charged with sabotage. Your stupid ramblings came on a secure channel during
a long range strike operation the ISD Challenge was undertaking. It was destroyed. The whole ship, and
all of her pilots. What do you have to say to that?
Dan>Umm, my bad?
Jarak>YES IT WAS YOUR BAD! Hey... are you broadcasting right now?
Dan>Yes... but we can shut it.
Jarak>NO! I mean... that's not necessary. I'd like to sing a little diddy. Lights!
::A spotlight appears on Jarak::
Jarak>The best thing about bein' a woman is the perogative to have a little-
Dan>NOOOOO!!!
::Upon hearing Shania Twain, Dan breaks free of the storm troopers and knocks them all out::
Dan>Get security! GET HIM BACK TO THE IMMORTAL!
Jarak>NO! THEY HURT ME THERE!
::Dan makes a cutting motion and the screen displays a drunken TIE Fighter pilot trying to get into
his ship, with the words: "WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY" written beneath it::
Dan>Release the fairly large hedgehogs and armadillos!
Jarak>AHHH!
::The screen fades back, with Dan sitting in his chair, and around two dozen rodents around him::
Ok, now that we've cleared up that little problem... let's get on with the rest of the news.
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WHO CARES?
Admiral Dan Langer, retired SDIR of Intel does not drink milk. Who cares?
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WING NEWS
1. CPT Kane has been promoted to CMDR of Shield! YAY!
2. COL Doyon goes to Sword
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"Excellent. Wing IX Report #7 has the highest swear-word count of any report any where ever. :P" COL VG Ricaud
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And next we have the Squadron--
::LCM Tack barges through the door with a stuffed Ewok in his maw, shakes the life out of him, then bangs into a wall and dies::
Clean up, aisle five!
Oh yeah, that reminds me. Ricaud is Ewok of the Week. Congrats.
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SQUADRON NEWS
1. SL Fireball(ysm34@hotmail.com) Joins!
2. CM Devin Bron(devinbron@hotmail.com) Joins!
3. COL Theodore(Theodore@tiecorps.org) Joins!
4. A LT has invaded our MB. Do not reply to him, I have deleted his incoherent babble. If he posts again, he will be banned.
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SQUADRON STATUS
1. PRIOIRITY ONE AND ONLY: FLY FREE TIE 113 FOR DAGGER vs. TORNADO! Due November 4th!
Place Holder Score
1 COL Theodore 76102
2 CM Dan Malaktos 72499
3 LT Leonid DeBastide 64572
4 LT Manticore 62587
5 LCM Nic Rety 4828
Need I reiterate? Hard difficulty. NO CHEATS!
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PERSONAL ACHIEVMENTS:
CMDR/CM Dan Malaktos
10/26/00 - Building up Dagger-Eta relations
10/29/00 - Arranging a tag team comp
-Frequented IRC
FM/LT Arkette Darkrider
10/23/00 - Returned
FM/LT Leonid DeBastide
10/24/00 - Completed FREE TIE 113
10/24/00 - Created guide for FM 113
10/26/00 - Completed TC-TIE 163
FL/LT Manticore
10/22/00 - Promoted to XO
10/25/00 - Completed FREE TIE 113
FM/CM Devin Bron
10/29/00 - Joined Dagger Squadron
FM/LCM Talon Ray Hunter
Reported in
FL/LCM Nic Rety
10/28/00 - Flew FREE TIE 113
FM/SL Fireball
10/29/00 - Joined Dagger Squadron
FM/COL Theodore
10/29/00 - Joined Dagger Squadron
10/29/00 - Completed IW-XWA 22
10/29/00 - Completed TC-XWA 5
10/29/00 - Completed TC-XWA 6
10/29/00 - Completed IW-XWA 26
10/29/00 - Completed TC-XWA 8
10/29/00 - Completed FREE TIE 113
10/29/00 - Annoyed me by giving me XWA Tfrs... must get the viewer
Thus ends another installment of the DAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOORT!
Commander D. S. "Instigator" Malaktos
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CMDR-SR/CM Dan "Instigator" Malaktos/Dagger 1-1/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
PCx2/ISMx6/MoI/MoT-4gh/CoS/OV-3E
[CAVL] {IWATS-Core IIC/1/2 mIRC/1/2 RT SM/2 TM GFX}
[T/D Hand of the Apocalypse]
DOC/LCM Dan Malaktos/TC-BG/ISD Relentless
CHMN/COM Dan Malaktos/FRG Inexorable/CD
"Join the Relentless! It makes your hometown better!"