In association with Carlsberg Lager
Probably the best Squadron in the Fleet
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COL Kessler On Leave - Furry Animals and Small Children Breathe Sighs of Relief
Just a quick heads-up to let you all know my movements for the coming month. (Stop laughing Jerry, I didn't say bowel movements :P) This Monday I'm on duty at HMS Victory so I'll be offline all day. That means I'll be sending the results of the contest with Inferno to COL Manitsas last thing on Sunday night. This is important, because it means if you don't get me your scores for Free-TIE 127 by midnight Sunday MY TIME ZONE (GMT), then they won't be counted. Don't leave them until the last minute - any score is better than no score.
I'll also be unavailable this Wednesday until next Friday night. The reason for this is because I'll be travelling down to the Triumph Squadron Damage Control Training Unit at HMS Raleigh for a two-day Ship Firefighting Refresher Course. Basically, they have these dirty great big blackened steel hulks that they fill with diesel oil and set on fire. Then they throw you in and tell you not to come out unless you're dead or the fire's out.
I love the Navy :P
It's only Wednesday and Thursday nights, so there's no need to appoint an Acting Commander to cover my absence. Send me your emails and tfrs as normal, and I'll process them on Friday night. However, and this is for the WC (you still reading, Lee?) the weekly report will be late.
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Celebrity Spotlight - LCM Kaedryl Di'Mathe
Another old veteran returns to the Squadron, ladies and gentlemen - Tornado Squadron presents LCM Di'Mathe!
Lieutenant Commander Kaedryl Di'Mathe
AKA: "Beer Monster"
Quote: "No sir, my eyes are supposed to be that shade of red."
Favourite Chat Up Line: "Does your dad own a brewery?"
Known Medical Conditions: Cirrhosis of the liver, acute alcoholism
LCM Di'Mathe was recently abducted from the Fleet Veterans' Home by COL Kessler in order to get the Squadron's numbers back up to full strength. Kessler first began to notice something strange about the new addition to the Squadron when the distillery in the Squadron locker room, the medical alcohol locker in Sickbay, and the Reserve Fuel Tank on Number Five Fusion Generator all emptied themselves during Di'Mathe's first night onboard. On his second day onboard he cut himself while checking out his Missileboat and when the blood hit the hangar deck the Chemical Warning Alarm went off.
Doctor Manitsas discovered the reason that afternoon when he conducted Di'Mathe's medical checkup - Di'Mathe's blood was so rich in alcohol it had to be measured in octanes. In most squadrons, this might be considered a disadvantage, but Kessler has since discovered that as long as you don't accidentally get any blood into Di'Mathe's alcoholstream, he's just fine.
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They Talk the Talk, but do the Walk the Walk?
My spies tell me that the CMDR of Alpha Squadron intends to challenge us when he's finished "the destruction of Typhoon Squadron" (Hah! Good luck :P) and bring "disgrace" to Wing X. Well I don't know about you guys, but that's fighting talk where I come from! Are we going to sit around and let Typhoon Squadron be humiliated like that??
Hey, get back in here you scum! Okay, okay... are we going to sit around and let Wing X be humiliated like that?
That's better. Seriously however, in the unlikely event that Alpha manage to beat Colonel Callista's Hotshots, I'd love nothing better than to take Alpha by the scruff of their necks and allow you all to give them the biggest kicking they've had in their lives. We've got a free week starting November 20th, if you want to ignore their challenge, shout "MY MOTHER WAS A JAWA AND I STINK OF JURI JIUCE!"
If you want to give them a savage kicking, shout "TORNADO'S GONNA KICK YOUR PANSY ASS, HOMEBOY!"
Write your answers on the back of a 50 Credit note and send them to the COL Kessler Beer Fund.
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New Challenge Ace Pilot Title Winner
Ladies and gentlemen, your applause please, for the Wing X Sex God that is Commander Xyrryc!
*The crowd go wild, mad applause, women throw their underwear on stage and faint as Xyrryc mounts the podium*
Commander, we understand that your opponent, Colonel Callista, actually beat the old High Score too. She's certainly a worthy opponent, were you ever scared you might not win?
"Nahh, Calli's good, but Colonel Kessler told me he'd lock up my nipple clamps if Tornado lost the title, so I did what I had to do, see? It was nothing really."
And how do you respond to the rumours that Typhoon Squadron are under orders to rip your arms off and beat you to death with the wet ends?
"Sounds painful. As long as they don't use anaesthetic it's fine by me."
Commander, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, the new Challenge Ace Pilot Champion - Commander "Darth Vile" Xyrryc!
He's such a gentlemen he's even offered to put the trophy on display so people who aren't in Tornado can finally see what it looks like. If we win it again can we call it the Tornado Ace Pilot Title? :)
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Tornado Supremacy Tour
So far it's Tornado 1 - Battlegroups 1, thanks to Iota Squadron's impressive performance in Round Two. Our current nemesis is Inferno Squadron, who chose the Mission From Hell for Round Three, thanks Manny :P
Current Battle Schedule is as follows:
Inferno Squadron Wing X - Deadline Oct 29th - Free-TIE 127
Dagger Squadron Wing IX - Deadline Nov 5th - Free-TIE 113
Omicron Squadron Wing VIII - Deadline Nov 12th - Free-TIE 103
Thunder Squadron Wing X - Deadline - Nov 19th - Free-TIE 106
We have until Sunday to get those final scores in for Free-TIE 127, let's not take anything for granted - Inferno are good. Give it your best shot, guys!
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The Week In Quotes
Commander Kou-Taiki explains how his inner calm is just a ploy to get laid.
* CorranH ties Kessler up
* CorranH unleashes Kessler
Another Cadet accidentally wanders into #ISD_Challenge
Quote of the Week:
* CorranH can imagine the situation..."Miki, pick up that pencil I accidently dropped in front of my large and supportive desk." "Of course sir" *pulls at pencil* "It's glued down sir" "Nevermind, keep pulling pilot! I'm just going to ummm....ahem" *groan* - Damn it CoHo - I thought I LOCKED that door?!
Quote of the Week Scores
Astatine 1 CoHo 3 Snake 1 Manitsas 1 Nebers 1 Stormfyld 1 Sarriss 2 Quake 1
Stay tuned for more Kessler-bashing next week!
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TopDawg's Diets
This week, I've mostly been eating sprouts.
More next week!
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Dark Lord of the Week
The highly prestigious title of Dark Lord of the Week is only given to the person who has most advanced the success of the Squadron, amused the CMDR, or slipped me the most £5 notes in a brown paper bag. This week's winner is:
FM/CM Xyrryc
For the second week running, because he is quite simply - Da Man!
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Ewok of the Week
Yub Yub!
Every story has a hero, every journey has a first step, every Fleet has a pilot who thinks The Gettysburg Address was where President Lincoln lived . This weeks' Prize Ewok is none other than:
WC/COL Val Ricaud
Who earns the dubious distinction of winning Ewok of the Week twice by not knowing the difference between a small, weak Squadron and a small, weak Battlegroup :P
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The Usual Suspects
Flight One - The Missile Magnets
Fighter Pilots Make Movies - Bomber Pilots Make History
CMDR/COL Kyle "Two Dogs Humping" Kessler
Designed a bunch of Squadron Banners
Overhauled Squadron Webpage
Flew Free-TIE 106 vs Thunder
Flew Free-TIE 127 vs Inferno
Awarded PC
FM/MAJ "Snoop-Doggy" TopDawg
Flew Free-TIE 106 vs Thunder
Flew Free-TIE 127 vs Inferno
FL/LCM Kaedryl Di'Mathe
Joined Tornado from Reserves
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Flight II - The Brylcreem Boys
Kissing Ass and Taking Names
FL/CM "Mister Empire" Kou-Taiki
Flew Free-TIE 127 vs Inferno
Flew Free-TIE 127 again...
Flew Free-TIE 106 vs Thunder
Flew Free-TIE 113 vs Dagger
Flew Free-TIE 103 vs Omicron
Awarded MoI for recruiting LT Miki
FM/LC Corran "Damn I'm Gorgeous" Horn
Flew Free-TIE 106 vs Thunder
Flew TC-TIE 72 - NEW HIGH SCORE
Flew Free-TIE 127 vs Inferno
Flew DB-TIE 11
Flew IW-TIE 1
Flew TC-TIE 114 - NEW HIGH SCORE
Flew TC-TIE 115
FM/CPT "Old Man River" Fishbone
Reflew Free-TIE 134
Flew Free-TIE 106 vs Thunder
Flew Free-TIE 127 vs Inferno
Flew Free-TIE 113 vs Dagger
FM/CM "Darth Vile" Xyrryc
Score for Free-TIE 134 reinstated - NEW HIGH SCORE
Awarded ISM - TopGun in Tornado vs Iota Contest
Promoted to FCHG Dragoon
Flew Free-TIE 1 for Challenge Ace Pilot Title - NEW HIGH SCORE
New Challenge Ace Pilot CHAMPION
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Flight III - The High Priests of Love
We're the Love Commandos and this is a Raid!
FL/CM Callum "The Shadow" Veers
Flew Free-TIE 106 vs Thunder
FM/MAJ Aven "Hermann the German" Kronn
Flew Free-TIE 134 vs Iota
Flew Free-TIE 106 vs Thunder
FM/LCM "Uncle Fester" Jerry
For once, nothing from Jerry. Hey, he's earned a break, leave him be!
FM/LT Kaoru "Junior" Miki
Designing Flight III Homepage
Flew Free-TIE 134 vs Iota
Flew Free-TIE 127 vs Inferno
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Peace, Love, Shave the Wookie.
CMDR/COL Kyle Kessler/Tornado Squadron/Wing X/ISD Challenge
MoH/IC/OoR/GOE/GSx2/SSx4/BSx8/PCx3/ISMx10/CoB/MoI-DC/ISx3/LoC-PSx34/OV-2E [PLDN]
[IWATS][IIC/3][M/2][SM/1][TT][XTT][XA-A][GFX]