Colonel with expensive alcohol habit and 11 hungry pilots to support, seeks sponsor for Squadron Report.
Contact kessler@dial.pipex.com with enquiries.
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Fleet News
www.tiecorps.org/news
Bookmark it, read it every few days. You know the drill by now. On to more important matters...
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Squadron League
Final Combat Run before the Quarter Finals is up, and it's TC-TIE 156 - EH Wrestling Extravaganza. Fly it, or I let CM Kiryyu go to work on your nipples with a cheese grater, simple choice ;)
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Uncle Kessler's Problem Page
No matter how embarassing or downright weird your problem, Uncle Kess is ready to help you out with the benefit of his years of wisdom. All problems are treated in the strictest confidentiality.
Dear Uncle Kess
It started back in the early 80's, I suppose. I was just a kid, I didn't know what I was doing half the time - always up to no good, seeing one sci-fi flick or another .... I'd messed around with Jawas, then ugnaughts and Yoda... any sort of 1m tall alien, really, as long as they made a funny noise. I even went through a phase of R2s and R5s, but they weren't cuddly enough.
Well, one thing led to another - I thought I was in control - I carried my Jawa figure around with me, sure, but I knew I could leave it at home if I wanted to, but, ah, once I saw those furry hooded guys, well, that was when I really lost it.
It wasn't until I bought a cuddly Ewok for my sister for Xmas, and realised I couldn't give it to her that I finally realised I had a problem. I was on to the hard stuff. Taping the cartoon show. Learning all their names. I guess you've heard all this before.
I've been in rehab for some time now, I hope I'm over it, just taking it one_day_at_a_time. Baby steps. As long as no-one says "Yub yub", I'm okay. Or reminds me of... of that sad bit when 2 of them get caught in an explosion, and one of them.... one of them shakes the other ....
Yours sincerely,
Ewok Lover.
Uncle Kess says:
Well, LT Nebers, I have to say that this is the worst case I've seen in a long time. Luckily for you, there are two known solutions to your problem. The first is a form of aversion therapy. Pop by sickbay sometime and Doc Manitsas will lock you alone in a room full of Ewoks, a crack pipe and a lump hammer. The basic idea is that for every Ewok whose brains you smash into pulp with the lump hammer, you take a shot of crack. Pretty soon, you'll come to associate murdering Ewoks with pleasure, or you'll be so stoned you won't be able to tell an Ewok from a Wookie anyway.
If that doesn't work, get yourself a Wookie. I've got Ramos, and he's great.
Yours, Uncle Kess
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CMDR's Corner - Things I'd liked to have seen in Star Wars
Obi-Wan: "These aren't the droids you're looking for.."
Stormtrooper :"Well they sure look like them to me. You're busted"
C3PO -"You're fortunate he doesn't blast you into a mil-"
[BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!]
Luke: "That'll teach you to run off on me you little shit!"
Yoda: Adventure, heh! Excitement, heh! A Jedi craves not these things."
Luke: "Boring. C'mon, Artoo, let's go."
Lando: "But how can they be jamming us if they don't... Ah, must be a glitch. C'mon gang, full steam ahead!"
AD Motti: Don't try to frighten us with your sorceror's ways Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion hasn't conjured up the stolen data tapes, or..."
Vader: "Are you looking for a smack in the teeth?"
Stormtrooper-"There's one, set for stun"
ZAP!
Stormtrooper 2 -"Oh shit, did you say stun?"
Luke: " She's rich."
Solo: "Like I give a rat's ass."
Vader: Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as father and son!
Luke: Sounds cool. Yeah, OK!
"Look, sir, someone's cut power at this terminal to the tractor beam system."
"Well reenergise it!"
Solo: "I hope that old man got that tractor beam out of commission, or this'll be a real short trip. OK, hit it!"
[Ffaawwooooossshhh!] ... ... ... [rakata-rakata-rakata]
Solo: "I think we're in trouble..."
Vader: I want them alive. No disintegrations!
Fett: Please?
Vader: Oh alright, fine. Go ahead, I don't care.
Han Solo-"The rebels have been routed, they're fleeing into the woods. We need reinforcements to continue the pursuit"
Imperial Officer- "Do I look like a Stormtrooper to you?"
Ackbar: All ships go to hyperspace on my mark.
Falcon: rakata-rakata-rakata
Lando: They told me they fixed it!
Vader: What is thy bidding, my master?
Emperor: First you must find me another shrubbery, a nice one with two levels and a little path running down the middle. Then you must cut down the mightiest tree on Endor...with....a herring!!!!
Vader: Now you're just being silly.
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TopDawg's Diets.
This week, I've mostly been eating pumpkin pie. More next week!
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The Week in Quotes
* Kessler bends over and drops his pants. Pucker up, big boy ;)
And Vice Admiral Jarak gets his wish. See "Ewok of the Week" for further details :Þ
"And COL Kessler was running down the corridor of the Challenge screaming something that he needed his razor cause there was a Wookie on the ship........" Jeez, Vexie. You act like there was something wrong with it? :P
"His unhealthy pre-occupation with naked furless wookies stems from a childhood memory when he and his cousins were pulling the fur out of their teddy bears for fun." Not quite, Vexie. I used to pull the hair off my cousins for fun, but you're close enough.
"I don't wanna have you be the first to experience Flight IIs disciplinary services." CM Kiryyu issues a stern warning to SL "Babyface" Miki about the dangers of complacency, blissfully unaware that COL Kessler is already the first to use Flight II's services. And the second, and the third...
"I will be leaving you in the very capable hands of COL Kessler during that time..." - LC Darklord's submission for the Ewok of the Year Contest.
"I like Pie, not just apple pie or strawberry pie or even danish pumpernickle pie. I LOVE ALL KINDS OF PIES! Pies in the evening pies in the morning pies...." Apparently, CM Kanzco likes pie.
"I'm 21, and female breasts still *do* = lunch." CM Kiryyu admits something he shouldn't.
"It bites being the lowest ranking officer in a squadron. Oh, the degrading things I shall do..." SL Kaoru "Junior" Miki may be young, but he catches on quick.
"Nah, I always go in Kess's quarters...is there somewhere else we're supposed to go?" - That was supposed to be our little secret Flech, but if you want the whole Wing to know about our "special arrangement", who am I to stop you?
"With Colonel Kessler in the crew... well, you got it all practically!" - BGCOM/VA Jarak tries unsuccessfully to get on my good side ;)
"I'm going to get my special ass kicking pants out of the wardrobe for the SL playoffs. They're gold suede, with a red leather lining and diamond studs on each ass cheek, and a decorative bronze laminated zip for going to the little boys room." More of CoHo's tips for the fashion conscious pilot next week!
Quote of the Week:
"Dees be's Gojo. Mease a E'wok from Litenants Myn's room. Guess a was, I's a scaped. Thas righ. I's a brocked ou of da room. Me's a meaaaaan E'wok. A oh, das somes ones comin. ( Sound of steps drawing near. ) I's Litenants Myns. Hey what the hell are you doing out of the room! Hey, get back here. ( Scuffuling sounds) Ieah! ( Ewok battle cries.) Gojo's goin no warse. Give me that battle axe you little begger. ( Loud Ewok cuss words.) Hey, come back here. ( Pitter patter of Ewok running away.)
.................................................................Transmission ended."
Thanks for that LT Nebers. It's just a shame we don't have a Gungan of the Week award :Þ
Quote of the Week Standings:
Astatine 1 CoHo 1 Snake 1 Manitsas 1 Nebers 1
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Dark Lord of the Week
The highly prestigious title of Dark Lord of the Week is only given to the person who has most advanced the success of the Squadron, amused the CMDR, or slipped me the most £5 notes in a brown paper bag. This week's winner is:
WC/LC "Contest, what contest?" Darlkord
Because he was dumb enough to make me Acting Wing Commander.
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Ewok of the Week
Yub Yub!
Every story has a hero, every journey has a first step, every Fleet has a pilot who's about as much use as an ashtray on a speeder bike. This weeks' Prize Ewok is none other than:
VA Jarak "I'll do anything to be on TV" Maldon
Remember Jarak, never trust a smiling Kessler.
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New Pilot in Tornado Squadron
Ahhh, there's nothing like the smell of fresh meat, and the latest member of Tornado is so fresh he's still wearing horns. A big Wing X welcome, if you please, to Sublieutenant Kaoru "Junior" Miki. No, he doesn't have a fat ass, that's the diapers he's wearing under his uniform. All those who may be concerned about such a youngster flying a TIE Defender need not worry - we gave him a stick so he can reach the rudder pedals and he's got a note from his mother allowing him to be in the TIE Corps.
There he is with his mother, pictured at his IWATS Graduation ceremony. Don't waste your time, girls, Junior's still at the age where he thinks female breasts = lunch. I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly state that the rumours I'm having an affair with Mrs Miki are a total fabrication, and I simply spent so long in the Fuel Pump Compartment with her because she was interested in the wiring diagrams.
Of course, as with every new pilot, we play the occasional practical joke on him. Anyone who spotted him on Four Deck last night wandering the darkened passageways with a torch in his hands need not worry. We sent him round to "recharge" the luminous "Escape Pod This Way" stickers.
Tomorrow we're sending him to Stores for some tartan paint and a left-handed hammer. If you can think of any more gags, let us know, we're running out.
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"He has a monkey?" "Yes, and he spanks it."
The Usual Suspects
Flight One - The Missile Magnets
Fighter Pilots Make Movies - Bomber Pilots Make History
CMDR/COL Kyle "That Idiot" Kessler
Flew TC-TIE 156 for Squadron League.
Writing some new fiction for Supreme Squadron Series.
Acting Wing Commander for the week.
FM/MAJ "Snoop-Doggy" TopDawg
On leave.
FM/CPT "Rip Van Winkle" Steele
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
FM/CPT "Captain Ego" Rea
Grounded until he gets a new copy of TIE. The Ego has landed.
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Flight II - The Brylcreem Boys
Kissing Ass and Taking Names
FL/CM Touga "Mister Empire" Kiryyu
Flew XWA Battle 9
Sent Rea a new copy of TIE
Submitted some fiction for Supreme Squadron Series.
FM/LC Corran "Damn I'm Gorgeous" Horn
September 15th - leg wax
September 16th - manicure
September 17th - pedicure
September 18th - colonic irrigation
September 19th - removal of bikini line
September 20th - shopping trip for new shoes
Another busy week for CoHo
FM/CM Ramos "Long Haired Hippy" Kanzco
The drugs are working just fine, apparently. He likes pies too.
FM/CM "Darth Vile" Xyyryc
ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Flight III - The High Priests of Love
We're the Love Commandos and this is a Raid!
FL/CM Callum "The Shadow" Veers
Leading the Flight in designing a new Flight III homepage.
FM/MAJ Aven "Hermann the German" Kronn
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
FM/LCM "Uncle Fester" Jerry
Yet another new face, welcome aboard, kiddo.
Flew Free-TIE 79 - his first FCHG point! Woooo!
FM/LT Kaoru "Babyface" Miki
Joined Tornado from the Naval Corps
Flew TC-TIE 78
Completed toilet training, graduated to solid foods.
Promoted to LT from Flight Office. He's still "Junior" as far we're concerned, though :P
Peace, Love, Shave the Wookie,
CMDR/COL Kyle Kessler/Tornado Squadron/Wing X/ISD Challenge
[More medals than YOU'VE got here :Þ]