From: "Morgan T'kon"
Sent: 15 September 2000 06:12
Subject: Re: This is a first. :P
> hehehehe... maybe Kessler's on leave or something. :P
>
>
>
> Richie
With the Candyman, you have to say his name five times before Bad Things happen. With me, once will do! Don't say you didn't ask for it!
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TORNADO WEEKLY SPAM SESSION
Brought to you in association with our Sponsors: Grolsch Lager
There now follows a short word from Our Sponsor:
Rebels! Stop attacking! What are you doing? Can't you see this Death Star is not finished yet? Like Grolsch Premium Lager, we only serve it when it's ready. Brewed in Holland using traditional methods since 1615. Like the Death Star, Grolsch Lager can't be rushed, so why not have a drink while you're waiting?
The Death Star and Grolsch Premium Lager. We only let you attack it when it's ready.
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Fleet News
Believe it or not, this time we actually DO care about some Fleet News. As should be obvious by now, High Admiral Kawolski retired as the Tactical Officer. He's been the best Flight Officer and best Tactical Officer I can remember in the EH, and trust me - my memory goes back a while! However it's not all bad news, because his replacement is none other than Admiral Striker, and those of you with longer memories will remember that Admiral Striker is an ex-Tornado CMDR and Wing X Wing Commander! Which means he's got the "Property of Kyle C. Kessler" tattoo on his ass and Tornado Squadron will have an easy life from here on. Yes, the TAC is one of Kessler's Boys, and we plan to start taking shameless advantage of it. See ya, suckers! Muahahahahaaa!
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"Is it because I is black?"
Ali G Interviews Colonel Kessler
Ali: So, I is here in da studio wif Colonel Kessler, respect.
Kessler: Umm... respect.
Ali: So, how long's you been a Rebel MC then?
Kessler: I'm not a Rebel.
Ali: But you is an MC, innit?
Kessler: No. I'm a starfighter pilot.
Ali: So is it safe to say you never laid down a bit of drum and bass before then?
Kessler : That's correct, yes.
Ali: For real. So, what about Rebel girls then? Do you fink you could ever marry a Rebel girl?
Kessler : I don't think so.
Ali: But what if she was fit?
Kessler : Again, because of my political beliefs, no.
Ali: Not even if she 'ad 'er own Wookie?
Kessler: It would be tempting, but no..
Ali: But what if she had her own car, AND sound system and she wasn't gonna be stealing money off you and shaggin' yer mates all the time. Would you marry 'er then?
Kessler : I don't think I could even be friends with Rebels.
Ali: But could you get jiggy with them?
Kessler : Could I what?
Ali: You know, ride the punani? Give 'em some trouser snake?
Kessler: You mean have... intimate relations with a Rebel?
Ali: Not wif your relations, man... keep it clean! Dis be a family show!
Kessler: Well, no, I don't think I could.
Ali: But what if they woz really, really fit?
Kessler : NO.
Ali: Wot about Princess Leia? Would you marry 'er?
Kessler : NO!
Ali: So you is telling me that if she walked in 'ere now and asked you to marry 'er you wouldn't?
Kessler : No, it would be betraying the Empire.
Ali: Not even if she brought Mara Jade and Mon Mothma in for a bit o' some three-way action?
Kessler : NO.
Ali: Yeah, well that Mon Mothma, she be a bit minging innit? Face like a jawa's ass.
Kessler: Her looks don't enter into it. She's a Rebel scum and a traitor.
Ali: So you really believe this stuff then?
Kessler: ....
Ali: Thank you, Colonel. Maximum respect! Keep it real!
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Not Only Gorgeous, but GOOD!
First Round of the Battlegroups Ace Pilot League is now over, and the winner on the good ship Challenge was none other than LC Corran 'Gotta Love Me' Horn of Tornado Squadron.
LC Horn now holds the titles 'ISD Challenge Ace Pilot' and 'Most Sexy Being In the Universe', the first to hold both. Anyone wishing to challenge him for the Ace Pilot title must wait one week from today before doing so. Anyone wishing to challenge him for the 'Most Sexy...' title is advised to seek extensive cosmetic surgery and a charisma transplant.
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The REAL Reason Why Han Solo Stuck With the Rebellion
YAVIN, INT MASSASSI TEMPLE.
HAN: Listen, I ain't in this for the revolution, and I ain't in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the money.
LEIA: If money is what you want, then that's what you'll get.
LEIA:
HAN:
LEIA:
HAN:
Ahh, Thanks.
LEIA:
LUKE:
HAN: Hey, wait a minute - "First National Bank of Alderaan"??!
Wokka wokka!
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It's Worse Than That - He's DEAD Jim!
Look, Darth Maul's DEAD, okay? I know he was a popular character, but just accept that he's as dead as Boba Fett. In case anyone needs more convincing than seeing him get chopped in two and fall down a reactor shaft, read this extract from the script for Episode II:
Darth Sidious enters a large Sith Temple. He carries a large cage, Darth Maul slumped inside. Behind the altar, is a middle-aged, plumpish man in a Boba Fett T-Shirt.
Sidious : I wish to register a complaint.
- Jack Fanboy doesn't respond.
Sidious : Hello, ma'am?
Fanboy : What do you mean ma'am?
Sidious : (Pause) I'm sorry, it's the Ysalamari. I wish to make a complaint.
Fanboy : We're closing for lunch.
Sidous : Never mind that, peasant. I wish to complain about this apprentice I enlisted not 25 years ago at this very hidden Sith temple.
Fanboy : Oh yes, the, uh, the Zabrak Red... What's uh, what's wrong with it?
Sidous : (Snarls) I'll tell you what's wrong with it. He's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Fanboy : No, no, he's uh.. Resting.
Sidious : Look, servant, I know a dead apprentice when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Fanboy : No, no, he's not dead, he's resting. Remarkable apprentice, the Zabrak red, isn't he? Amazing tattoos!
Sidious : The tattoos don't enter into it. He's stone dead.
Fanboy : Nonononono! He's resting!
Sidious : All right then. If he's resting, then I'll wake him up.
Sidious : (Shouting at cage) Rise loyal servant! We must reveal ourselves to the Jedi, at last we will have our..(Fanboy hits the cage)
Fanboy : There, he moved!
Sidious : No he didn't, that was you hitting the cage.
Fanboy : I never!
Sidious : Yes you did!
Fanboy : I never, I never did anything!
Sidious : (Yells, hits cage repeatedly) ARISE MAUL! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your Tatooine Noon wake up call!
Sidious : (Holds hands out, levitates Darth Maul out of cage slowly. Lifts him into the air, and as soon as he ceases, the body falls into two parts, collapsing onto the floor)
Sidious : Now that's what I call a dead apprentice.
Fanboy : No, no... No, he's just stunned!
Sidious : (Amazed) STUNNED?
Fanboy : Yeah, you stunned him, just as he was waking up! Zabrak Reds stun easily, milord.
Sidious : Now look, I've had enough of your insolence. That apprentice is definitely deceased, and when I acquired him not 25 years hence, you assured me that it's total lack of movement was due to it being exhausted after slaying no less than thirty Jedi Knights.
Fanboy : Well, he's .. he's ah, probably pining for the Fjords.
Sidious : (enraged) PINING FOR THE FJORDS? Do you even know what that means? Look, why did he fall into two pieces the moment a roughly trained flashy Padawan with a fake accent took one swipe at him?
Fanboy : The Zabrak Red prefers fighting as a pair. Remarkable apprentice, isn't it milord? Beautiful tattoos.
Sidious : I took the liberty of examining that apprentice when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason it's torso was attached to it's waist in the first place was that it had been STAPLED that way.
Fanboy : Well of course he was stapled together! If I hadn't stapled him together, he would have threw aside his light sabre, cast aside his cloak, split into a multitude, and VOOM!
Sidious : VOOM? This apprentice wouldn't "voom" if you focused the dying screams of a whole planet through him! He's bleeding demised!
Fanboy : Oh, no, he's pining!
Sidious : He's not pining! He's passed on! This apprentice is no more! He has ceased to be! He's become more powerful than we can possibly imagine! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in pieces! If you hadn't stapled him together, he'd have fallen down a power shaft! His mitichondriac processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's
kicked the bucket! He's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined Darth Bane in becoming one with the dark side! THIS IS AN EX-APPRENTICE!
Fanboy : Well, I'd better replace it then.
Fanboy : (Takes quick peek behind the altar) Sorry milord, I've had a look right around the back of the temple, and uh, we're right out of apprentices.
Sidious : (growling) What about you?
Fanboy : Me, milord?
Sidious : Yes you. I've not seen one with the audacity to attempt pulling the wool over my eyes so blatantly. Tell me, do you ever give in to your anger?
Fanboy : No. Yes. Yes, all the time.
Sidious : Is fear your ally?
Fanboy : Fear and surprise.
Sidious : I see. (Turns, and begins to leave.) I'll be watching your career with great interest. Great interest indeed.
Fanboy : (Confused) Anytime milord.
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Quotes of the Week
"Kumba, ask me if I'm a Pedophile." We don't need to ask, TopDawg.
No, but we do, CoHo. We do.
"Kawolski resigns, Rapier resigns, Slade resigns, Langer resigns, Topdawg doesn't...... can it get any worse?" - MAJ Indaro Gallia - Sadly, Major Gallia, no.
"Kessler, shouldn't you be in an Old Folks' Home?" - CPT Toran Dan - Probably, but I didn't like the decor on the ISD Immortal.
Quote of the Week.
[17:55] (CorranH): It's not size that matters, it's where you put it. It's not my fault I have the manhood the size of CENSORED
For once, I'm speechless.
Quote of the Week Scores:
Astatine 1 Snake 1 Manitsas 1 CoHo 1
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Keep it real!
Ali G interviews Colonel Callista
Ali: Boyaka-sha. Check dis. Today we is talking about the women. I is with none other than Colonel Callista. She be none other than the Commander of Da Typhoon Squadron and we is going to be talking about ladies. Now, one in two people in the Empire be "a women", so we has got to know about this. Women. They is important aren't they?
Calli : They indeed are, very important, as important as men.
Ali: Which is better? Man or Woman?
Calli : Well equality is not about who is better.
Ali: But which one is better? But one must be just a little bit better.
Calli : In what way?
Ali: Like, in the way that somefin is worse and somfin is better.
(confused silence)
Ali: Do you think there will ever be a female Admiral?
Calli : There has been one.
Ali: Who?
Calli : Admiral Sarriss.
Ali: Yeah but she isn't a real Admiral. Do you think they'll ever let another one slip through? Do you think that a women should be able to 'av any job?
Calli : I think so yeah.
Ali: Yeah, but would you feel safe though if you knew a women was flying your shuttle?
Calli : I'm a fighter pilot, and I fly VIP Escort. Would you feel safe then? Do you feel safe being flown by me?
Ali: Nope. Would you not be scared though that she might start nattering or what ever or start finking about fings and then forget to fly the shuttle, and get angry with somebody?
Calli : Of course not!
Ali: A lot of boys me know are trying to get their girlfriend to try a bit of feminism, do you think that is right?
Calli : Yeah I do actually I think it's a good thing.
Ali: Do you think all girls should try feminism at least once? Do you think it's right that they should try it when they is drunk at a party or whatever with one of their mates?
Calli : What do you mean by "trying feminism"?
Ali: You know - try a bit of feminism and when they is sober wake up in the morning and get back with their boyfriend?
Calli : What do you mean?
Ali: When they kiss a women.
Calli : That's not feminism!
Ali: Me Uncle Jamal say that he is tri-sexual. That he will try anything that is sexual. What does that mean?
Calli : There are a lot of people who would like to have sexual relationships with men and women.
Ali: So you think that he is saying that he is having it with blokes?
Calli : Yes.
Ali: Ayyy?
Calli : It would suggest that or that he is interested in it, but maybe not done it. It depends what done it means.
Ali: So you fink my uncle Jamal is a botty boy?
Calli : I don't think he is a botty boy but...
Ali: So you think that he just like it in both pipes?
Calli : Not necessarily.
Ali: So you think that it is a joke? Coz he is a joker. Coz if you call him that to his face he'd probably kill ya.
Calli : I think this interview is pointless. Goodbye.
Ali : Is it because I is black?
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TopDawg's Diets
This week, I've mostly been eating cabbage.
More next week!
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Dark Lord of the Week
The highly prestigious title of Dark Lord of the Week is only given to the person who has most advanced the success of the Squadron, amused the CMDR, or slipped me the most £5 notes in a brown paper bag. This week's winner is:
COL Kyle Kessler
Because it'll be the first award I've received in the last four months. Not that I'm bitter or anything, oh no! Far be it from me to criticise anyone. I know my place in the great scheme of things, and I'd never even consider accusing people of... mutter...mutter... it was different in MY day...mumble...mumble....we had REAL pilots back then...gripe...groan...etc....etc...
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Ewok of the Week
Yub Yub!
Every story has a hero, every journey has a first step, every Fleet has a pilot who's about as much use as an ashtray on a speeder bike. This weeks' Prize Ewok is none other than:
LC Corran "I may be Sexy but I'm not too smart" Horn
Who really, really needs to remember that just because you're playing Truth or Dare, it doesn't mean people aren't logging.
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"Zulus! Thousands of 'em!"
The Usual Suspects
Flight One - The Missile Magnets
Fighter Pilots Make Movies - Bomber Pilots Make History
CMDR/COL Kessler
Flew Free TIE 91 for BG Ace Pilot Championship
Flew TC-TIE 78 for Squadron League
Awarded Dark Lord of the Week! (Not that I'm trying to make a big deal out of it or anything :P)
FM/MAJ TopDawg
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........
FM/CPT Steele
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............ (Back in training)
FM/CPT Rea
Grounded until he gets a new copy of TIE. The Ego has landed.
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Flight II - The Brylcreem Boys
Kissing Ass and Taking Names
FL/CM Touga Kiryyu
Awarded PC
Flew Free TIE 91 for BG Ace Pilot Championship
Passed IWATS Naval Staff Course
Awaiting IWATS RPG results
FM/LC Corran Horn
Awarded PC
Flew Free TIE 91 for BG Ace Pilot Championship
Flew TC-TIE 78 for Squadron League
Flew Free TIE 79 for the hell of it.
First winner of ISD Challenge ACE Pilot Title (That's my boy!)
FM/CM Ramos Kanzco
Flew TC-TIE 78 for Squadron League
FM/CM Xyyryc
Underestimated the Power of the Shaven Woookie and joined Tornado
Flew Free-TIE 91 for BG Ace Pilot Championship
Flew TC-TIE 78 for Squadron League
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Flight III - The High Priests of Love
We're the Love Commandos and this is a Raid!
FL/CM Callum Veers
Flew Free TIE 91 for BG Ace Pilot Championship
FM/MAJ Aven Kronn
Flew Free TIE 91 for BG Ace Pilot Championship
FM/CPT Andronicus
Gave in to his hate and joined Tornado
Promoted to CMDR and transferred to Zeta Squadron. On the SOVEREIGN! Eeeeeeeeeww :P
FM/CM Crix Madine
Joined Tornado. I'm thinking of getting a turnstile put in the Barracks Door :P
Awarded ISM for Intel work.
Asked to return to Spectre Squadron after sorting out some personal problems. So long and good luck, Crix! It's a shame that tattoo's non-removable :P
Disrespectfully submitted,
CMDR/COL Kyle Kessler/Tornado Squadron/Wing X/ISD Challenge
MoH/IC/OoR/GOE/GSx2/SSx4/BSx8/PCx2/ISMx10/MoI-DC/ISx3/LoC-PSx34/OV-2E [PLDN]
[IWATS][IIC/3][M/2][SM/1][TT][XTT][XA-A][GFX]