With your host - Darth Maul!
"A mere flesh wound! I've had worse!"
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Fleet News
You didn't really think we cared, did you?
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More Demented Ramblings
Celebrity Spotlight
This weeks' lunatic is Captain "Mad Jock Rock MacPlop" Andronicus, recently transferred from the Reserves to Tornado Squadron.
Name: Captain Andronicus
AKA: "Mad Jock Rock MacPlop", "The Jock Rock"
Quote: "If you can smell-la-la-la what the Jock is cooking!"
Favourite Chat-Up Line: "Just Bring It!"
Known Medical Conditions: All of them
Captain Andronicus is as mad as a fish. Certified insane by the Fleet Medical Officer, he can be regularly spotted wandering the decks of the Challenge with his tartan underwear on his head and two pencils stuck up his nose, asking if anyone knows what The Jock is cooking. In any other Squadron, this would probably considered a disadvantage, but the ability to remain totally divorced from reality is a definite benefit in Tornado.
Andronicus has the largest collection of Bay City Rollers memorabilia in the Outer Rim, and he sings "Flower of Scotland" in his sleep.
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Quotes of the Week
"I'm wearing boxer shorts with smiley faces." - FA Howlader shows why he's the guy in charge of all EH artwork
"And welcome to Flight II, Commander Xyyric! Make sure you have your uniform polished, and your boots ironed!" CM Kiryuu shows why although he might be "Mister Empire", he'll never win "Imperial Mastermind"
"Why is it when Kess is around people talk about underwear, cheese, and porn?" GN Shups ponders the great mysteries of life.
"Get rid of the candles and get some real lighting will you? It's not good for your eyes. Dark Jedi... you all want to get out and get some exercise!" COL Kessler still hasn't figured out why he never got promoted past Jedi Hunter
"With Kessler's graphical tendencies, it's a wonder the NC position badges didn't end up with the Imperial Diplomatic logo plastered all over them." - COL Ricaud
"Ric - Ummm... have you LOOKED at them?" - COL Kessler
"God, don't tell me they HAVE?" - COL Ricaud
"Muahahahahaaaaaa!" - COL Kessler
"Interesting. I wonder if walking around in public with an "Emperor's Hammer" t-shirt would increase my chances of being beaten up/derided by small children?" - COL Ricaud
"It couldn't make your chances much worse." - COL Kessler
"Hey, I can sell Ghetto, it's M A N C H E S T E R" - But Kessler obviously doesn't know how to spell S P E L L.
"What's that gorgeous piece of lovliness over there? It's a MIRROR! Damn, you're gorgeous! Someone get me a brandy, I feel faint!" - No-one can accuse LCM Donner of having a dull imagination.
"Welcome back everyone. You missed Andy stripping naked and performing fellatio on Indy. Pity." - Kessler explains why netsplits are Bad Things.
"Random Tornado Survival Tip: Don't go past Steele's bunk playing loud music." - LC Corran Horn dispenses some sage advice.
"You know... I really don't understand. CH and I have been working hard for the last few weeks and we've produced no new pilots. Then all of a sudden... Kess starts talking about tatooing asses, and BAM... 2 new pilots. I don't get it." - CPT Rea despairs at the injustice of it all.
<`Snake> lol i just got that
Keep trying, Snake :)
"I ain't never seen a Tornado Report." - You're going to be sorry you ever said that, Andronicus.
"We could use someone to point and laugh at while he brings diapers to the bathroom." COL Yacko explains why he wants Kessler to join House Taldryan
Quote of the Week:
"Oola, you have SINNED!" - CMDR/COL "Mad Doc Manny" Manitsas (trust me, it was funny, but you probably had to be there :)
Scores on the Doors:
HA Astatine 1 LCM Snake 1 COL Manitsas 1 Everyone else 0
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Fozzie's Crap Joke of the Week
Q. "What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?"
A. "He wiped his ass."
Wokka wokka!
(Think about it)
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Commander's Corner
Boba Fett. Mightiest bounty hunter in the known galaxy! Most deadly killer of men in 43 systems! A mean, deadly, sleek, ruthless, merciless killing machine!
Erm, excuse me? Let's just check the evidence here. Hands up anyone who ever saw Boba Fett actually shoot at and hit anyone? No? Thought not. Okay, let's try a different tack. Hands up anyone who ever saw Boba Fett capture anyone without the help of an SSD, a fleet of ISDs, a Dark Lord of the Sith and a battalion of Stormtroopers? No? I think I can see a pattern emerging here.
Okay, one last try. Surely if this guy was so cool, then he can only be defeated by the most deadly of opponents, right? Actually, no. He was knocked into a hole in the ground by a blind man with a stick and died.
Boba Fett. What a tit.
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MORTAL KOMBAT
R2D2 vs Twiki
Cast your vote in the battle of the phallic droids, R2D2 versus Twiki from Buck Rogers!
Both look like scweens, but who's gonna win in a fight?
In the Blue Corner - R2D2!
Artoo has those nifty welder and saw attachments. Unfortunately, he can't serve drinks as well as Twiki, but his whistles aren't as annoying as "beedie beedie beep, hey Buck!" His dome head is also no match for Twiki's..um...yeah. The ladies love Twiki
In the Red Corner - Twiki!
Twiki (sometimes erroneously called Twiggy...man does he hate that) is more humanoid and capable of a drop kick. He's got no internal devices, but he mixes a mean martini. Also, check out the shape of his head!
LET MORTAL KOMBAT BEGIN!
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Red Six's Flight Recorder Recovered From Yavin
The newly formed Imperial Survey Corps today reported on their successful reconnaissance of the orbital space around Yavin IV, and it seems that the Flight Recorder of Jek Porkins, the Rebel pilot known as Red Six, has been recovered from the debris zone surrounding the last known location of the first Death Star. The following is a transcript of the last minutes of Red Six's flight.
Porkins: "Red six standing by"
[fumbling noises and the distinct sound of a zipper being undone]
Pfssssst! [massive glugging gulps followed by a large belch]
[crackle of plastic wrapper]
Pop! cruch crunch.
Red Leader: "Cut the chatter"
Porkins (mumbling): "cut this you SOB"
[loud vibrant Pooot!]
Porkins: "aaaah, damn!"
Red Ten: "I've got one on my tail"
Porkins (Muffled): "shit"
[another raucus fart]
Porkins: "Whoo! I'm with you Red Three."
[choking]
Porkins: "I've got a problem here!"
[several farts]
Red Three: "Pull up Porkins!"
Porkins; "I can hold it."
Porkins(muffled): "damn nachos"
[more farting]
Red Three: "EJECT!"
Porkins: "I can hold it AAAARRRRGHH!"
Analysis of the wreckage indicates that Porkins forgot to take into account the weight of the pork pies, hostess cupcakes, salami, leg of ham, cheesesticks, bucket of coleslaw, bratwurst, beef jerky, doritos, Cadbury's Milk Chocolate Bars, pork rinds and bacon sandwiches he had stashed in the glove compartment.
If only he hadn't eaten the bag of salted peanuts before he took off, he'd never have been able to get the X-Wing off the ground and would still be alive today.
Kiss my ass, fatty!
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We Only Have Two Rules In Here Son...
Well, okay, we have considerably more than two, but for the purposes of helping anyone dumb enough to think about a career with the rest of Wing X's Rock Gods in Tornado, bear the following in mind...
1. Always laugh at Fozzie's jokes.
2. Shave your Wookie.
3. For a quiet life, keep Kessler topped up with lots of Gin.
4. NEVER buy anything from TopDawg.
5. Rea is the greatest. Remember this and you'll get along just fine.
6. Don't wake up Steele unless you enjoy eating Sickbay food.
7. If you're short of a shaving mirror, borrow Tougas' boots.
8. Getting "Property of Kyle C. Kessler" tattooed on your ass is a status symbol.
9. Regardless of how much you might be in love with the gorgeous hunk of manliness that is LC Corran Horn, you're wasting your time. CoHo's one and only true love is CoHo. No-one else is good-looking enough.
10. Veers doesn't like cameras.
11. Never mention Euro 2000 to Kronn.
12. You don't want to smell-la-la-la-la what The Jock is cookin'
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TopDawg's Diets
This week, I've mostly been eating beans.
More next week!
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Dark Lord of the Week
The highly prestigious title of Dark Lord of the Week is only given to the person who has most advanced the success of the Squadron, amused the CMDR, or slipped me the most £5 notes in a brown paper bag. This week's winner is:
CMDR/COL "Mad Doc Manny" Manitsas
For his hilarious "defence" of COL Kessler at the recent Disciplinary Tribunal. Nice one, Manny :)
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Ewok of the Week
Yub Yub!
Every story has a hero, every journey has a first step, every Fleet has a pilot who thinks The Gettysburg Address was where President Lincoln lived . This weeks' Prize Ewok is none other than:
Colonel Valtane Gavryn "Nimrod" Ricaud
For numerous offences which can be summarised by:
Not knowing how to spell "Wookie"
Being in Sword Squadron
Not being as cool as Kessler
The prosecution rests, your honour :P
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Actual Report Stuff.
"I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all outta gum."
1-1 CMDR/COL Kessler
Discovered cure for Cancer.
Designed a working prototype of a Warp Drive (patent pending).
Calculated Pi to infinity.
Leapt a tall building with a single bound.
Ran faster than a speeding bullet.
Made up a lot of crap about what he did this week.
1-2 FM/MAJ TopDawg
Back from leave.
Ate a lot of beans.
1-3 FM/CPT Steele
He's not dead! He's just resting!
1-4 FM/CPT Rea
Despaired at the injustice of it all.
2-1 FL/CM Touga Kiryuu
Flew TC-TIE 78 for Squadron League
Flew TC-TIE 160
Flew TC-TIE 161
Designed a Free XWA mission for Naval Corps use.
Designed uniform and rank templates for the Naval Corps
2-2 FM/LC Corran Horn
Unveiled his new designer fashion line - Cockpit Cool. Now you can find the perfect accessory for your flightsuit!
2-4 FM/CM Xyrric
Joined Tornado from Reserves. Compulsory tattooing a success.
3-1 FL/CM Veers
Opened a parrot shop on Coruscant.
3-2 FM/MAJ Aven Kronn
Awarded ISM for activity during August
Flew TC-BoP 3
3-3 FM/CPT Andronicus
Transferred to Tornado from Reserves, may you all have pity on his immortal soul.
Boss Kessler
Wesa the Gungan Mafia. Wesa takin' over!