There now follows a short word from our sponsor:
Q. Why did the Sovereign pilot cross the road?
A. He was stuck up the chicken!
Wokka wokka!
Fozzie the Bear
Tornado Squadron Morale Officer
Head Wookie Shaver
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Fleet News
On second, thoughts... let's not bother.
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More Demented Ramblings
Story Time
Are you sitting comfortably, children? Uncle Kessler's got a story for you...
Many moons ago there was a tribe of warriors called X who lived in a big war-canoe that floated among the stars. The name of the canoe was Challenge, although there were some foolish mortals who called it Challenged, but they usually never lived to say it twice.
The Elder of the X Tribe was named CoFo, and a mighty Elder he was. But all was not well in the war canoe, and CoFo did wonder what vexed his warriors so. Calling his Battle Chief, the illustrious Darklord to him, CoFo did ask of him what caused the wailing and gnashing of teeth that he could hear from the Flight Decks below.
Darklord did reply unto him: "Verily master, it be because our warriors have defeated all thine enemies, and now have no-one upon whom to get medieval, and this vexes them mightily."
CoFo did ponder the wisdom of Chief Darklords' words, and saw that a problem existed, yet in his wisdom he did see a solution. "Go unto my warriors" he did proclaim. "And say unto them that if they seek worthy enemies then they need look no further than their own back doors. For is it not true that the mightiest warriors in all the cosmos abide here on the war canoe Challenge?" And Darklord did see the wisdom of CoFo's words, and he did say "Bugger me Boss. You're right!"
And so Darklord did retire to his hut and began to plot the Test of Skill to end all tests of skill. For forty days and forty nights did he plot and plan, and when it was done, he did summon the Chiefs of the six great elemental hunting tribes, Tornado, Typhoon, Cyclone, Inferno, Thunder and Tempest to him, and he did say unto them: "Right you twats. Tell your pilots to shut up their whining and go take part in this new contest I've designed for them. It's called the "Wing X Wonders", and whoever wins it gets to laugh at everyone else for a month. Now sod off and leave me alone. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire's on TV."
The six Chiefs did then go unto their warriors and did reveal to them the plan of their elders, and the tribes did look upon it and saw that it was good. And there was much rejoicing. Great were their labours and many were their feats of skill in the test to see which of the six tribes would earn the right to crap over all the others for a month. And when they were done, they presented their great and noble deeds to Battle Chief Darklord, and they did wait for his decision.
And they did wait.
And they did wait.
And they did wait some more.
And they're still waiting.
Next Week in Story Time - "Darklord Does Dallas"
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Vengeance will be ours
Okay, so we lost the Flagship Title in Exercise Cantina Run, but look on the bright side - Typhoon are still BGCOM's Escort Squadron, so that means they're going to be run ragged shuttling backwards and forwards from here to the Immortal running errands for Theo all day. See? Things are looking better already!
Anyway, there still remains the problem of the Immortal getting a little uppity in the immediate future, so here's the plan. The BGCOM said all drinks were on the Immortal, but he didn't say where, so I've chartered a Passenger Liner (at the Immortals' expense) for our exclusive use for one day. We'll start off by hitting the bar and charging the drinks to the Immortal's expense account. Once everyone's good and shitfaced, we'll all muster on the viewing gallery and do a flyby of the Immortal's Bridge. At the point when we achieve maximum visibility, we'll all drop our pants and moon at them as we fly by. We just need volunteers to have the letters spelling "SCREW YOU, BUMBANDITS" painted on their arses for the day. Give your names to Nurse Vexen and Mad Doc Manitsas, they'll be waiting in Sickbay.
Who says we don't know how to lose graciously?
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Shock Upset in Fleet Sleeping Championship
We now take you live to ISD Challenge Hangar Bay Two with special reporter Dirk Diggler...
A late breaking report is now in, fresh from Tornado Squadrons' barracks where CPT Steele was in intensive training to become the next Fleet Formation Sleeping Champion. It is uncertain exactly what the source of the problem is, but it can be confirmed that CPT Steele's attempt to take the Fleet Championship has suffered a serious setback.
Sketchy reports would indicate that against all the odds, whilst in the middle of a highly technical Three Point Sleeping Bedsheet Turn, CPT Steele suddenly woke up and flew TC-TIE 128 for the Squadron League. We can confirm that Colonel Kessler is in a state of shock, as he was seen being carried to the Cantina where an emergency bottle of Whiskey was being prepared in an attempt to revive him.
And here's Captain Steele now! I can see him emerging from the barracks as we speak. I can now confirm that he has in fact woken up! Captain Steele! Do you have anything to say on what must obviously be a tragic moment for all Tornado Squadron?
"I don't know what happened, man. I was doing just fine, then BAM! Next thing I know I'm sitting wide awake in the simulators and I've just flown the Squadron League battle, I even set a new High Score!"
Do you intend to appeal against this decision, Captain?
"Hell yes! Sleepwalking doesn't count!"
Well we all wish you good luck. Best you get down to sickbay now, though. That matress looks like it needs to be sugically removed.
I'm Dirk Diggler for Hammer Direct, now returning you to the studio.
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Sword/Tornado Showdown Cancelled by Wing IX Wing Commander
Aghast at the news that Colonel Val "Nimrod" Ricaud had foolishly agreed to transfer to Tornado when his Squad loses the Grudge Match; WC/MAJ Tethys, realising that Sword were doomed from the word go, forbade the contest from ever taking place. When asked to comment on the laughably transparent attempt to save face, MAJ Tethys replied "Get off my ship or I'll have you shot, Challenge-boy!"
We'll just call that one a moral victory then :)
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Fozzie's Crap Joke of the Week
Darth Maul - was he gay? No, but he sure was horny!
Wokka Wokka!
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Quotes of the Week
"You have a wookie?" - LCM Snake responds dubiously to the Tornado Galactic Domination Plan.
"Yes, and I shave it." - COL Kessler confirms his worst fears.
"Me or Dr. Manny have not killed a single patient all week, I guess cause no-one came to sickbay" - Nurse Vexan realises why the mortality rate in Wing X just took a nosedive.
"You need to start doing housecalls." - COL Kessler offers a practical solution to the problem.
"Okay, you realise that unless you can prove to the judges, who are me, that you're more gorgeous than me, I get to keep all these lovely designer suits, especially tailored for me, right?" - Despite some heavy hints, Miack fails to realise that LCM Donner's "Who's more gorgeous than me" Contest is rigged.
"I'm a COM. It's my job to be lazy." RA Weasel, who'd better pray AD Sarriss doesn't get a copy of this.
"My girlfriend was offended when I used the word puke... but to me, thats what her dinner tasted like." - CM Kou-Taiki wonders why his girlfriend's now his ex-girlfriend.
"Veers is a little normal, and he drags the Squadron Instability Factor down a few points" - COL Kessler explaining why Ricaud should join Tornado.
"It's the shaven Wookiees and Fozzie Bear bit that freaks me out" - COL Ricaud explains why he'll never join Tornado
"When I grow up and be a CMDR I'm going to be just like my Uncle Kess" - LCM Snake proves that the folly of youth is alive and well and living in Tempest Squadron.
"You mean convicted for Cadet-abuse, and blackmailed throughout your entire career by your protege?" - COL Ricaud wonders what part of being 'just like Kess' Snake means.
"You know, we need more Fozzie the Bear on our Squadron Webpage. Except for TopDawg, there's a distinct lack of muppets on the site" - COL Kessler ponders improvements to Tornado's webpage
"Someone tell him that Tornado is NOT spelled T Y P H O O N" - COL Kessler points out what's wrong with Free-TIE 128
"The Sov just looks so much more impressive when you're drunk" - COL Ricaud accidentally realises why Wing II are so popular.
"Yeah, it's when your entire website rips off the Tornado Flight III page" - COL Kessler explains to Ricaud what plagiarism is.
"If subject contains "report" and sender is "KeiranIdanian@aol.com", then move to Trash" - HA Astatine explains how to survive in the cut and thrust world that is the EH Command Squadron.
"I have arrived. Let the cheering commence" - CPT Rea denies all rumours that his ego is out of control.
Quote of the Week
"Dear Kess,
I wish to subscribe to your weekly issue of Tornado Report. Last week's issue was so funny i crapped in my pants. My check is enclosed and i cannot wait till this week's issue. Thank You.
LCM Snake
Tempest Squadron"
Thus proving that blatant ass-kissing will get you a lot, but it won't get you a clean pair of pants.
Quote of the Week Scores:
HA Astatine 1 LCM Snake 1 Wookies 0
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Shock! - Tornado Pilot in Serious Disciplinary Trouble
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER VEERS!!! Get your lazy ass over here this instant, pilot!!
Oh, you *are* here. Stop sneaking up on me like that dammit! Right, you're in deep trouble this time mister. The penalty for impersonating a junior officer around here, Commander Veers, is to spend a week serving drinks at
the Colonels' bar and laughing at each and every joke myself, COL Manitsas and COL Callista tells. You get time off for asking us to tell our old war stories.
Now get outta here Commander Veers, and report to the bar at 19:00 hours tonight! Tonight's "What I did at the Battle of Endor" night, and this week I've brought pictures.
Oh alright. Congratulations on your promotion. No, stop thanking me, it was nothing, really.
But what's so shocking about that? - Reader
It's not Kessler who was in trouble - Ed.
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Tornado Flight II "Escort" Service Open for Business
Flight II - More than just a bunch of bootlickers™
Being the all-round do-gooders of Tornado squadron, Flight II tries it's very best to please. We offer a wide range of services to satisfy your every whim and desire!
Escort Services - They don't call us The Escort Flight for nothing...for the smallest of fees, any member of Flight II is willing to accompany you during those embarrassing "oh crap I haven't got a girlfriend" situations. Despite our obvious lack of female members, us male members are more than ready to put on a blonde wig, leather skirt and crotchless panties (not supplied)...if it weren't for the stubble you'd be hard-pressed to tell us from the real thing!
Grooming Services - Obviously our job is to make sure that we have our heard firmly inserted as far up our commanding officer as is humanly possible, and we will go to any length to ensure we're always in the goodbooks. We'll clean, polish, buff and shine anything from your smelly shoes to your soiled underwear...and the great thing is we'll always have a smile on our face.
Discipline Services - Flight II believes in adhering to the traditional iron-fist Imperial way of authority. If you are having trouble with a fellow pilot, then just send him round to Flight II, and Commander Kou-Taiki will be more than pleased to discipline said pilot accordingly. From past experiences we would suggest that you bring along some sort of friction burn cream, as well as bandages and anti-septic lotion. CM Kou-Taiki does certainly enjoy discipline.
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Tornado Squadron welcomes Fozzie the Bear
Your favourite merry prankster and mine - Fozzie the Bear, has agreed to become the official Squadron Morale Officer and Head Wookie Shaver. All unshaven Wookies are to report backstage for an appointment with Fozzie asap. You are reminded that it is an offence to possess an unshaven Wookie in the immediate vicinity of the Squadron Barracks. It is also an offence to not laugh at the Squadron Morale Officer's jokes. Not laughing at his jokes is an indication of low morale. Low morale is treasonous. Treason is punishable by fatal slapping with Fozzies' Happy Stick. Beatings will therefore continue until morale improves.
Wokka wokka!
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Commanders' Corner
Obi-Wan Kenobi. An absolute tit. Not content with mincing around in his tight leather boots and his oh-so-trendy ponytail, he decides that he knows better than the entire Jedi Council and insists that he can train Anakin "Don't call me Anni" Skywalker and not make a total balls-up of the job. Oh really. Oh how I laughed when he totally botched up the job and ended up producing the most evil Sith Lord in the history of the Galaxy. You're not so clever now are you, monkey-boy? And what does he do about it? Does he have the balls to confront his mistake and set things right? Bollocks. He goes and hides in a hut at the arse-end of the Galaxy, crying about how no-one ever understood him. Oh boo-hoo-hoo. And when he finally runs out of places to hide and is forced to confront Vader, does he get medieval on his ass and settle the score? Umm, nope. He spouts some pseudo-mystical bollocks about becoming more powerful than we could possibly imagine, right before Vader shows him who the Daddy really is and cuts his wimp arse in two. Final score: Sith 1, Jedi 0 after extra time for injuries.
Get your hair cut and get a job you long-haired loser!
Next week - Ewoks. Drown the little buggers at birth!
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Dark Lord of the Week
The highly prestigious title of Dark Lord of the Week is only given to the person who has most advanced the success of the Squadron, amused the CMDR, or slipped me the most £5 notes in a brown paper bag. This week's winner is:
LC Corran "Captain Charisma" Horn
For the splendiferous work of arse-licking majesty that is the Flight II Escort, Grooming and Discipline Service
http://www.jedi.nu/jace/
Now get your tongue back to work, Horn. Left a bit, left a bit...ahhhh... that's the spot!
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Ewok of the Week
Yub Yub!
Every story has a hero, every journey has a first step, every Wing has a pilot who thinks "cruise control" is some kind of pressure group to regulate Nicole Kidman's husband. This weeks' Prize Ewok is none other than:
WC/LC "Contest? What Contest?" Darklord
For not realising that when you create and advertise a Wing-Wide contest, it's never a good idea to lose all of the submissions and hope no-one will notice.
And remember - don't get mad, shave a Wookie.
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Oh yeah, some other stuff...
Don't you try to run on me, because I've got Mister .44 and his six little friends, and they can all run faster than you can...
CMDR/COL "That Idiot" Kessler
Won 7th place in Battlecry #5 Flying Contest
Went back to work (bah :P)
FM/MAJ "Pimp Daddy" TopDawg
On leave.
FM/CPT "Rip Van Winkle" Steele
Flew TC-TIE 128 for Squadron League
Woke up. Never mind, Steele. There's always next year.
FM/CPT "Eno the Ego" Rea
Flew TC-TIE 128 for Squadron League - WING TOPGUN
Still recruiting
FL/CM "Whips and Chains" Kou-Taiki
ECR Wing TopGun for TC-XWA 5
Back from short leave.
FM/LC Corran "Captain Charisma" Horn
Back from Leave
Redesigned Flight II's page
FL/CM Callum "Is that a gun in your pock... oh, it's a gun" Veers
Flew TC-TIE 128 for Squadron League
Won 3rd Place in Battlecry #5 Flying Contest, only 200 points short of the Runner Up
Awarded MoT-gh for creation of Free-XVT #27
Promoted to Commander
On leave 5th - 12th September.
FM/MAJ Aven "Englander PIGS!!" Kronn
ECR Wing TopGun for TC-XWA 8
Flew TC-TIE 128 for Squadron League
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Chief Kyle "Two Dogs Humping" Kessler
Tornado Tribe
Um Heap Big War-Canoe Challenge