Tornado Squadron Weekly Report #3
Brought to you in association with Satan.

There now follows a short word from our sponsor:

"When you arrive at Hell, tell me Tornado sent you and you'll get a group discount."

- The Evil One
9th Circle of Hell
PO Box 666
"I also do childrens' parties!"


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Niff Naff and Trivia

Another week, another report, another 100 missions flown by your favourite Wing X Rock Stars. What's going on around the rest of the Fleet? Who cares. You're in Tornado now and we're all that matters, boy!

TIE Corps Formation Sleeping Champion in Tornado Squadron!
The famous Captain "Sleeping Beauty" Steele successfully fought off all challengers to retain his title as the Champion of the TIE Corps Formation Sleeping Tournament this week! In a marathon final round, Steele successfully slept through Combat Run 11, the rebuilding of Hangar Bay 2, a small scale frontier war and the destruction of Alderaan. Sceptics doubted that Steele had the staying power to last the distance, but our half man half matress wonderboy proved his detractors wrong in a frankly spectacular conclusion which saw him weather a controlled nuclear explosion while merely turning over and scratching his ass before resuming his peaceful slumber. When asked what he thought of his stunning victory, the modest Steele merely replied: "ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

Captain Steele plans to challenge for the title of overall EH Sleeping Champion in next seasons' event. Although he'll be up against some serious opposition as the entire Hammers' Fist are taking part. Good luck, Steele!

Squadron Tattoos A Success
The regulation tattooing of all Squadron members went off with only a few minor hitches. Nurse Vexan was a little stumped when the invisible LCM Callum "The Shadow" Veers took his turn at bending over for his "Property of Kyle C. Kessler" tattoo, but we solved the problem when my cigar smoke activated the fire alarms and doused sickbay in fire retardant foam. We're still not exactly sure which part of the foam drenched mass received the obligatory tattoo, but Veers suddenly became a lot more talkative afterwards, so we're not complaining.

Noteable Quotes this Week
"...but I'm still the Rat Packs' second highest scoring pilot, so stick that one up your afterburners and smoke it :P" - COL Kessler freely admitting that he's going to do well in the Squadron league and doesn't much care which squadron he has to join to do it.

"Is this sexual?" - LC Ace Pilot responding to a comment made referring to the use of nets. Now we know what they really get up to on the Relentless.

"Don't be too worried about Kessler. Sure, he may be a great pilot, a great leader, he may have some of the best pilots in his squadron......hmm, ok I'm beginning to see your point :D" - CPT Jens "Bushmaster" Vigsted finally realises that Tornado Rocks and Rolls.

"Why do I have this feeling that Wing X is back on the way to kicking Wing II's butt? :P" - MAJ Calzeo Inkwolf, on hearing that Kessler was the new Tornado CMDR.

"Shall we have a minutes silence for the unfortunates of Tornado squadron?" - RA Kermee, offering a more realistic thought on hearing that Kessler was the new Tornado CMDR.

"Noooooooo, make it stop! It burns! It burns!" - CPT Merlin expresses his approval of the new Tornado webpage.

Quote of the Week - High Admiral Astatine.
"Personally, I don't think it had enough of Natalie Portman. Mmmmmmm....Natalie Portman...." - HA Astatine commenting on what was wrong with the Episode II Fake Trailer.

Current Quote of the Week Scores
HA Astatine 1 Everone Else 0

Question of the Week
Shaven wookies. A good thing? And how do you shave females without slicing off their nipples?
Write your answers on the back of a beer voucher and send them to Colonel Kessler at thisisn'tmyaddress@youidiot.com

Commanders' Corner
You know who really gets on my tits? Mara Bloody Jade, that's who. Was she ever in a Star Wars movie? No. Does she get the front cover of the Star Wars Insider? Yes. I fought at the Battle of Endor in Return of the Jedi, but have I ever been on the front cover of the Star Wars Insider? Have I hell. Blatant favouritism, that's all it is. She sits there with "Emperor's Favourite" written all over her smug little face like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, and what's she ever done to deserve it? Wiggled her leather-clad arse at Palpatine then two-timed him with that tree-hugging hippy Rebel scumbag Skywalker. And for this she gets the front cover of the Star Wars Insider???? What do I have to do to get some recognition around here? Dye my hair red, wear a skirt and flirt with Rebels? "Oh Luke, your Sabre's SO big!" Bollocks to that! I'd rather lick stale sweat from the armpit of a Jawa.

Not that I'm bitter or anything, of course.

Next week in CMDR's Corner: Obi-Wan Kenobi - An absolute tit.
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Dark Lord of the Week


The highly prestigious title of Dark Lord of the Week is only given to the person who has most advanced the success of the Squadron, amused the CMDR, or slipped me the most £5 notes in a brown paper bag. This week's winner is:

Commander "Mister Empire" Kou-Taiki

For slavish dedication to the Empire above and beyond the call of duty. When it comes to crisp, freshly pressed uniforms and dazzlingly polished boots, Kou's hard to beat. He flies the odd battle or two as well.


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Ewok of the Week


Every story has a hero, every journey has a first step, every Squadron has a pilot who thinks an afterburner is what happens with the leftovers from a barbecue. This weeks' Prize Ewok is none other than:

Captain "Sleeping Beauty" Steele

Who's probably getting the point by now, that missing a Squadron League Combat Run in this Squadron is an offence punishable by being strapped to a chair in the Colonels' Bar and being forced to listen to me tell old war stories. Make yourself comfortable, Steele. This time I've brought pictures too ;)


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The Usual Suspects

Squadron Webpage
FACT - Visiting the Squadron Webpage every few days makes you more attractive to women.

So what are you waiting for? Get over to the Tornado homepage, featuring a cast of thousands, dancing girls, song, music, and a thousand elephants! It's even updated at least twice a week with minor news like when competition deadlines are due *coughSteelecough*. If you're all good I may even put up .wav files of Rea climbing into the cockpit or CoHo bragging about the size of his wardrobe, so bookmark it and check it out. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll probably hurl. http://www.xtc56.dial.pipex.com/deathwind.htm

In fact since I'm in such a good mood, here's a .wav file of LC Corran "Damn I'm Gorgeous" Horn bragging about how big his wardrobe is: http://ds.dial.pipex.com/town/square/xtc56/wardrobe.wav See how good to you I am?

I was lying about the elephants. Okay, and the dancing girls too.


Squadron Citations
Did I mention that we now have 21 Squadron Citations? An increase of 11 Citations over this time two weeks ago and more Citations than other other Squadron in the Wing, in fact more Citations that some of the other Squadrons put together! It's hard damn work making the rest of the Wing look this bad ;)

Free Mission TIE 128
Well bugger me! A free mission inspired by one of my stories! Created by former Tornado boy - Colonel NiksaVel of Avenger Squadron... he may have gotten the title wrong, but he's Croatian so we'll let him off the hook ;) I've no idea if it's any good, but I'm going to fly it and see.

*Kessler goes away and flies it*

Hmmm... well it's a pretty simple mission. Not tough at all, and you can do it in about five minutes flat. If you want a High Score you'll need to send your Wingmen home, then it gets tougher. The radio chatter was lifted straight out of "Brothers In Arms" and adds to the atmosphere, and the mission as a whole is very true to the story...however....

Someone needs to tell NiksaVel that this is Tornado Squadron, NOT Typhoon. I'll never live this one down. Is Calli reading this?

Exercise Cantina Run
Maximum submissions from 50% of the Squadron for this one, including at least two confirmed official High Scores, so despite my publicly stating this wasn't a priority compared to the Squadron league, I think we did pretty well. This should seriously salvage a little pride for us in the Squadron rankings, and more importantly - it goes a long way to helping the Challenge retain the Flagship title.

Okay Darklord, I've done my "responsible CMDR" bit... now give me back the damn Wookie!

Squadron League
Still some time to go, but I'm extremely pleased with our efforts so far. CPT Rea already has a confirmed official High Score on this sucker, and that merry joker Steele's pretty sure he's got him beat already. There's a LOT of points available on TC-TIE 128, which is good news for big squadrons and bad news for us. We need 100% participation and 200% effort if we're to stand a chance of getting anywhere on this Combat Run, and so far, you haven't disappointed me. Just for Gods' sake let's beat Typhoon :P


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Okay ramblers, let's ramble...

Flight One - To be kept alive at all times by Flights Two and Three. Now you know why the CMDR flies a Missileboat.
COL "Old Fart" Kessler
Flew TC-TIE 128 for Squadron League
Submitted TC-XWA 5, 6 and 8 for ECR
Flew CAB4 (Avoid it like the plague! This is your only warning!)
Flew Free-TIE 128 (Because it's about me :P)
Promoted to FCHG rank of Paladin

MAJ "Snoop Doggy" TopDawg
Flew TC-TIE 128 for Squadron League
Promoted to FCHG rank of Hussar

CPT "Sleeping Beauty" Steele
ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

CPT "Gods' Gift to Starfighters" Rea
Still trying to recruit every retired pilot in the Fleet!
Flew TC-TIE 128 for Squadron League

Flight Two - Escort. No, not that kind of Escort, get your mind out of the gutter!
CM "Mister Empire" Kou-Tiaki
Flew TC-TIE 128 for Squadron League
Flew TC-XWA 7
Submitted TC-TIE 48 and TC-XWA 5 and 8 for ECR
Promoted to FCHG rank of Knight

LC Corran "Damn I'm gorgeous" Horn
Flew TC-TIE 128 for Squadron League
Flew Free-TIE 117
Flew ID Battle 4
Submitted TC-TIE 48, 108 and 123 for ECR
Designed and published a Flight II Webpage at http://www.jedi.nu/jace/
Completed IWATS ICQ
Awarded an ISM by WC/LC Darklord for Squadron TopGun in CR 11.

Flight III - Fighter Superiority.
LCM Callum "The Shadow" Veers
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

MAJ Aven "Der Fuhrer" Kronn
Flew TC-XWA 5 for ECR
Flew TC-XWA 6 for ECR
Flew TC_TIE 48 for ECR
Promoted to FCHG Rank of Cavalier

In addition to the above, all pilots (yes, even Veers :P) have been highly active over email since I took over as CMDR. Excellent work all round guys, keep it up and I'll shave you a Wookie of your very own.

CMDR/COL Kyle Kessler/Tornado Squadron/Wing X/ISD Challenge
MoH/IC/OoR/GOE/GSx2/SSx4/BSx8/PCx2/ISMx10/MoI-DC/ISx3/LoC-PSx34/OV-2E [PLDN]
[IWATS][IIC/3][M/2][SM/1][TT][XTT][XA-A][GFX]