Tornado Squadron Report dated December 8th 2000

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GRUDGE MATCH

This week:
Rocket Jumping
vs
Bungie Jumping

With your hosts - Kessler and CoHo
CoHo: Rocket jumping is for girls.
Kessler: You know I invented the Rocket Jump.
CoHo: You are a girl.
Kessler: So I take it you're in the Bungie jump camp? But how can you favour Bungie Jumping over rocket jumping? You of all people? Rocket jumping involves pointing your rocket launcher at the ground, pulling the trigger, and leaping into the air as heavy ordinance explodes beneath you, sending yourself and shrapnel sky high. How can you prefer Bungie jumping to that?
CoHo: Bungie jumping is for girls, too.
Kessler: Okay, smartass. If they're both for girls, what do YOU do for fun?
CoHo: Both at once. Attach a bungie cord around your waist, fasten it to the ground, and THEN rocket jump.
Kessler: That's suicide!
CoHo: Exactly. That's why I pay pilots from the Sovereign to do it.
[Sound of explosions, screaming, the snap of elastic cords, and an earth-shuddering splatter.]
Kessler: Holy crap. Those Teth Squadron pilots are bursting into red mist when they hit the ground!
CoHo: [Cackling:] What do you think their chances of winning the Squadron League are now?.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Team Building Training - Fun with CounterStrike

I've always believed that the Squadron that slays together, stays together, so in order to get the Personnel Department of my back, I agreed to take Tornado out for a day playing CounterStrike..

I was up to my usual tricks, you know, leading my elite terrorist gang against a heavily armed counter-terrorist task force and bunking down in a house in the Yemenn with half a dozen hostages and a kilo of C4. All in a day's work for Kessler, fearless leader of men. Needless to say I'm always the team leader:


Here we go again.


Kessler: Okay, CoHo, you hit the outer rim and snipe. Shak, I want you running forward with a knife and jumping a lot. Veers, you stay back here and -- for no discernable reason whatsoever -- don't move for five minutes. Kronn, you talk in incomprehensible "leet-speak" from now on. TopDawg, you rush forward, take the rear entrance, die immediately, and complain about packet loss. Meanwhile, Jerry will spraypaint our logo all over the building. That leaves Junior.... Junior?
A long silence was punctuated only by the whistling desert winds as my crew looked around.
Kessler: Has anyone seen Junior?
Xyrryc: We don't know if we have, sir. We're all wearing identical ski-masks.
CoHo: I thought you were Junior!
TopDawg: Is anyone else getting terrible packet loss?
Kessler: Not yet, TopDawg!
Suddenly, to our amazement, a lone counter-terrorist strolled out from the APC and calmly walked our way.
Kessler: Junior!! What the hell were you doing in there?
Junior, the rookie, had only just downloaded the game. He hadn't even quite mastered the crouch-jump yet. He blinked the sand out of his eyes, peered around, and seemed genuinely surprised by the question.
Kaoru "Junior" Miki: I was negotiating with the terrorists, sir.
Kessler: Negotiating? With the enemy? Junior, this is Counter-Strike, not Counter-Offer! We're supposed to be striking!
Junior: You guys are the terrorists?
Kessler: Of course we're the terrorists, dumbass!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
TopDawg[DEAD]: Is anyone else getting terrible packet-loss?
Kronn[DEAD]: We ownz y0ur a22 g33k! F34r m3!
Kessler[DEAD]: This game sucks anyway.

Next Week's Team-building Exercise: Fun with Quake 3

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WEHR - The Imperial Voice

The only radio station that matters. I was kinda bored on Wednesday night and checked it out at the Internet Office http://www.ehnet.org, I'm real glad I did, Session 8 in particular ROCKS! The show is available in 28k, 56k or 128k downstream. Give it a shot, you might like it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Battlegroup Commander's Squadron of the Month - YEAH baby!

I think I'd best just let the BGCOM and WC say this for me:

BGCOM/VA Jarak: What can I say about Tornado? They have a dirty old commander, rugged pilots, a perverted website... but still they become the Squad of the Month. Why? Because they are Tornado, they are the best. They've taken it and given it back tenfold. What other squad is so popular that there is a waiting list to get in? It is time that Tornado gets its reward. Take this, from Colonel Darklord, Wing Commander- Wing X:
"Tornado has been pretty much the centre of attention for a while, but has occasionally lacked recognition for their tireless efforts to Wing X, and the Battlegroups. The squadron runs like clockwork, with weekly competitions on top of everything else. Whats more they seem to always gain 90%-100% participation every single time, which is something everyone in the squadron can be proud of. Some they lose, most they win, but above all they enjoy every single aspect of what they do. Tornado are a fine example of how a squadron should run. They run as a team, they work together. And this teamwork is what seems to make them one of the most active squadrons in the fleet." -Colonel Darklord.

I object! I'm not dirty! - COL Kessler


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Squadron Satisfaction Survey

Okay, the people at the Human Resources Department are concerned that some CMDRs may not be taking care to create an "environment in which pilots can empower themselves" or some touchy-feely bullshit like that. I tried to tell them that if you punks didn't like the way I run my Squadron you can all... (Censored - Human Resources Department). So anyway, they say I have to ask you all what you think of the way I run things. They say I have to treat your opinions seriously. They don't seem to understand that if I want your opinions, I'll give them to you, they... one second, there's someone at the door.

*goes to door, gets screamed at by the Wing Commander for a few minutes, comes back to seat*

Ahem.. okay, answer this survey, we CMDRs take your input .. hrrngh.. seriously. Honestly, we want to be your friends, not just your Commanding Officers, we....

Oh screw this, answer the damn questions! I'm going for a drink!

1. Are you satisfied with your CMDR's performance
Yes - Proceed to Question 5
No - Proceed to Question 2

2. Are you sure you're not satisfied?
Yes - Proceed to Question 3
No - Proceed to Question 5

3. You misunderstood the question, didn't you?
Yes - Proceed to Question 5
No - Proceed to Question 4

4. One more time - Are you satisfied with your CMDR's performance?
Yes - Proceed to Question 5

5. Is there any way you think your CMDR could improve his already God-like performance?
Yes - Go to Question 7
No - Go to question 6

6. If you were CMDR, do you think you could do better at running your Squadron?
Yes - Go to Question 7
No - Go to Question 8

7. Are you nuts?
Yes - That explains it
No - Of course you are, he's perfect you idiot!

8. In your opinion, is your CMDR the sexiest, most cool and hunky babe-magnet to ever grace a Squadron with his presence?
Yes - Of course he is.
No - Go to Question 7.

Thank you for taking part in this Squadron Satisfaction Survey.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Squadron League Quarter Finals

We came, we saw, we kicked some ass. Nice work, boys!

Tornado - 767,822 (11 Entries)
Typhoon - 619,921 (10 Entries)
Inferno - 655,092 (10 Entries)
Cyclone - 536,239 (6 Entries)
Tempest - 281,356 (5 Entries)
Thunder - 104,911 (2 Entries)

Total: 2,943,507 (43 Entries)

Top Gun: CM Xyrryc/Tornado (115,286 LL)

By the way, take a closer look at Cyclone's scores. Sure, they might not stand much chance of actually winning because they've only got six active pilots, but look at the scores! Not hard to see why they're Wing Commander's Own this month.

On a related subject, the Wing is going into the Semi-Finals as a team effort. What this means is that the Wing Commander will be awarding a PC to the pilot from ANY qualifying squadron who produces the best tactical mission tips for whatever mission is chosen for the Semi-Finals. If you want a chance at getting that PC, fly it early, and send me your mission guide, I'll see that it gets to the Wing X CMDRs and the WC. This way we've got the best pilots in the entire Wing helping us ALL out, to make sure that if anybody wins the League, it WILL be a Wing X Squadron.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


CMDR's Corner

After several years of being pursued down high streets by gangs of freaks with collection tins, I've come to the conclusion that I must just have "I will give money to lost causes" tatooed on my forehead, in some lind of ink that everyone can see apart from me. Or maybe it's more sinister than that? Perhaps the Hare Krishna Paramilitary and Buddhist Brigade implanted me with a radio tracker when I was a baby, and they can track me wherever I go? It's as good an explanation as any, I don't know why they always seem to be able to spot me in crowd of shoppers from a distance of 50 yards, then home in on me like a heatseeking missile. But I recently realised how absurd it all is.

The other day I was minding my own business when I was mugged by another Hare Krishna demanding money for a copy of a cheap dog-eared book that was supposed to be guaranteed to free my soul from the mortal considerations of my body or some crap like that. Quite apart from the obvious paradox implied by someone who's supposed to have given up all material concerns asking me for money, something else was wrong with the picture.

Am I the only one who sees the irony in a Hare Krishna asking an Atheist to donate because it was "The Festive Season" - a Christian celebration? He certainly didn't see it, even after I pointed it out him. I'm now the proud owner of another cheap dog-eared book that's guaranteed to free my soul from the mortal considerations of my body. Again.

Maybe I should just stop going out? I'd have more time to contemplate my immortal soul, for one thing :P


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dark Lord of the Week



The highly prestigious title of Dark Lord of the Week is only given to the person who has most advanced the success of the Squadron, amused the CMDR, or slipped me the most £5 notes in a brown paper bag. This week's winner is:

FM / CPT "Daddy" Shakur

For the second week in a row, he's flown more than the rest of the Squad put together!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ewok of the Week


Yub Yub!

Every story has a hero, every journey has a first step, every Fleet has a pilot who's as much use as an ashtray on a speeder bike. This weeks' Prize Ewok is none other than:

CMDR/COL "Gotcha" Kessler

Okay, okay, so it's not all original but it's still funny :P
(Tornado Squadron in-joke)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Don't you try to run on me, because Mister .44 here has six little friends and they can ALL run faster than you can."

The Usual Suspects

Flight One - The Missile Magnets
Fighter Pilots Make Movies - Bomber Pilots Make History
CMDR/COL Kyle "Old Man" Kessler
Passed IWATS CBX
Awarded Order of the Vanguard - Third Echelon
Flew TC-TIE 2
Flew TC-TIE 4
Was flying TC-XWA 10, but there's a fatal bug in mission 3 :P

FM/MAJ "Snoop-Doggy" TopDawg
Awarded ISM

FM/LC Corran "Damn I'm Gorgeous" Horn
Awarded PC

FL/LCM Kaedryl "Beer Monster" Di'Mathe
Waiting for SL Semi-Finals


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Flight II - The Brylcreem Boys
Kissing Ass and Taking Names
FL/CPT "Mister Empire" Kou-Taiki
Awarded ISM

FM/CPT "Daddy" Shakur
Flew TC-TIE 142
Flew TC-TIE 143
Flew TC-TIE 144
Flew TC-TIE 145
Flew TC-TIE 146
Flew TC-TIE 147
Flew TC-TIE 148
Flew TC-TIE 149
Flew TC-TIE 150
Flew TC-TIE 151
Designed 1 rendered 3D graphic for OPS page
Awarded ISM
Promoted to FCHG Cavalier
Promoted to FCHG Knight
Holy shit! Slow down! (Hehehe)

FM/CPT "Old Man River" Fishbone
Awarded PC

FM/CM "Darth Vile" Xyrryc
Awarded PC
Flew Free-TIE 128


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Flight III - The High Priests of Love
We're the Love Commandos and this is a Raid!
FL/CM Callum "The Shadow" Veers
Awarded PC
Flew TC-TIE 77
Flew DB-TIE 11
Designing Flight III's website

FM/MAJ Aven "Hermann the German" Kronn
Waiting for SL Semi-Finals

FM/LCM "Uncle Fester" Jerry
Awarded PC
Passed IWATS IIC/1
Passed IWATS IIC/2
Passed IWATS IIC/3
Flew TC-TIE 1

FM/LCM Kaoru "Junior" Miki
Waiting for SL Semi-Finals

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peace, Love, Shave the Wookie.

CMDR/COL Kyle Kessler/Tornado Squadron/Wing X/ISD Challenge
MoH/IC/OoR/GOE/GSx2/SSx4/BSx9/PCx3/ISMx10/CoB/MoI-DC/ISx3/LoC-PSx34/OV-3E [PLDN]
[IWATS][IIC/3][M/2][SM/1][TT][XTT][XA-A][CBX][GFX]


The contest no-one finds: Name the movie quoted in the activity reports and win a mystery prize from the CMDR's Waste Bin
Last week's answer - Reservoir Dogs (No winner)