I'm sitting here trying to think of what to write for this, but it's pretty obvious there really isn't much point. Recent events have shown a few home truths. If I speak my mind, even in a private conversation, I get in trouble for it, regardless of how true those statements are, yet other members of the command staff are allowed to get away with consorting with rDB people as well. Then we have the never-ending stream of emails from myself and the Fleet Commander about reports, about rosters, about doing this, about not forgetting to do up your fly before you walk out the door and so on.

The fact of the matter is the me that joined the EH is vastly different to the me now. When I joined the EH, I was doing a Diploma of IT and had a lot of free time. The Diploma was easy for me, with little homework allocated and the free time was rapidly consumed by the shiny new internet connection I had at the day (wow, 100megs a month!). Things changed and I had even more free time, due to unemployment. Now things are different. For the last year or so, I've been working, most of that full time. The last two Saturdays were spent doing work too. At the start of this month, I was given direct employment as a full time employee of the organisation I work for. I go to work and put up with people too dumb to check if their caps lock key is on when they can't login or to see if the monitor is actually switched on when "nothing comes up on the screen!". I put up with co-workers who work in a Christian orientated social services organisation meant to help society, yet they're such cheap bastards that they won't even cough up $5 to help a co-worker with a parking fine. Then I come home to the EH.

I come home to an EH where I'm blamed for a database that isn't being made fast enough, by people who've never done ASP/database work in their life. I get blamed by people who don't realise that I coded much of the DB site in my Christmas break and two long weekends, 600k of code, the equivilant of well over 100 pages of text. How many of you could claim to have written a story that long in 6 months? Not many, I bet. Even while that goes on, even while the business with Mirei happened and then the rDB thing and now my recent HCI-enforced leave, all those times when I needed you guys, people who, in most cases, I hand picked myself, when I needed you people to be there to do your job that extra bit better, I'm felt let down slightly.

Perhaps the saddest part for me is every time I try to talk to someone about how much I get upset/hurt/sad by the EH, the amount of empathy I get back is reaching into a zero point. Basically, people don't give a shit about crazy old Ast. Except when they need a cushy job or a promotion or medal, of course. Then you're suddenly my best mate. Unlike some people who've come out of the woodwork lately, spouting off about claims here and there, I *can* lay down a log of claims that are both at the same time true and beneficial to the EH.

The relationship between owners of the EH, myself and Ronin, and the command staff is one of trust and partnership. We vest into the COs of the EH a trust to do their allocated job. In many ways, being a CO in the EH is like most RL jobs. The pay sucks, you might not get along with the boss, the working conditions aren't that good, but when job satisfaction hits, it's better than any drug. It's like seeing a network fire up perfectly, like art. It's like a carpenter finishing off a chair and knowing he's done a damn good job. It's about pride.
So while I've been accused of being abrasive, abrupt and rude, you might want to consider if you've done enough to breech that. I can only be nice for so long while I get a cold shoulder before it pisses me off. And a number of people have heard I'm a jerk, prick, etc and have made the effort to talk to me and found me not that bad. Usually, I end up being friends with those persons. So, in that context, the partnership between the owners and the COs only works if we both make the effort and meet each other in the middle. I've tried being nice, threatened, yelled, I've tried everything to try to motivate you guys. This email is the last resort because I'm just flat out of ideas. Contrary to what EH folklore might say, I don't really enjoy firing most people. It's time consuming and "evil". You're amassing resources (in this case, evidence) to do harm to another human being. Maybe managers with their soul-consuming MBAs get off on it, but I don't in most cases.

The summary message in all this is I can only work as well as you guys work back to me. Some of you do a fantastic job. Some don't. The ones in the first group just need to keepdoing that, the ones in the second...well, they know what they need to do.

As for EH matters, obviously I haven't done much work the last couple weeks because of that delightful HCI leave. Next week's report should have more work and less "deep" stuff.