Pilot's Lounge
With the success of weekly Science Fiction series, it has become apparent that the Star Wars universe hasn't yet cashed in. What better way to do this than with everyone's favorite Battlegroup?
[Cue scene from an alien planet.]
[Title "AGGRESSOR TALES" fills the screen.]
[Khadgar leaps from a not-so high ledge onto the screen. He assumes a half-crouch, with both hands raised and horizontally flat. In one hand, he holds a blaster. He is wearing a conspicuously bright uniform, and is gazing a little too quickly from side to side.]
[Suddenly, he stops, faces the camera, arches an eyebrow, and, in a horrible attempt at a smug air, delivers his line off the teleprompter.]
"We will not stop until every Imperial is free, every Rebel destroyed!"
[Cue the 80s style theme music and the credits.]
[Caption "COMMODORE GILAD" fills the screen, and a picture of him is displayed. It is an obviously staged shot involving Gilad on the bridge of the Grey Wolf giving out orders.]
[Caption "WING COMMANDER YODA" fills the screen, and a picture of him is displayed. The scene is of him leaping into the air and slicing an alien with his lightsaber, who is obviously really just an actor in a bad suit.]
[Caption "COMMODORE FRODO" fills the screen, and a picture of him is displayed. He is seen smiling toward the camera, but then turns a little too aburptly and shoots another actor in a bad alien suit.]
[Caption "WING COMMANDER GIDDA" fills the screen, and a picture of him is displayed.]
"Let me me the first to say that this really is quite dumb..."
[Shot quickly fades to black.]
[Shot fades back in, and the caption "COMMODORE DRAX" now appears. Drax is seen giving a speech (which you can't hear over the 80s music). The speech is addressed to two distinct groups of actors badly dressed as aliens. He is apparently giving a speech that ends a civil war between the two groups. The reason for the civil war is not apparent, but the best guess is that they are fighting over which faction will get more badly needed funds out of the show's budget.]
[Caption "WING COMMANDER PRAETORIAN" fills the screen, and a picture of him is displayed. The shot fades between a plastic mock cockpit with him in it, and an obvious model TIE Interceptor that shoots and breaks a model X-Wing in half.]
[Cue a picture of the whole Battlegroup staff standing together. After two seconds, the staff breaks into forced smiles in a vain attempt to give the program a friendly air.]
Letters from the Cardinal...
The Actual Light Jedi Code
1. All Jedi must panic when trouble comes.
2. Jedis must defend truth, justice and commercialization with their lives.
3. There is no emotion...
4. ... But trust in your feelings?
5. Never strike first, unless it's someone big and scary like Darth Vader.
6. Question Master Yoda not. The Force he loves, not the grammar.
7. If you build a lightsaber too quickly, you'll turn to the Dark Side, and then Luke Skywalker will have to send you into syndication battling him.
8. Never be afraid to lend a hand, literally. Yes, it was terrible, move on.
9. If you hate, fear, get angry, brush but not floss, wear a black cloak, have red paint all over your face, generally dislike people, don't take your vitamins or do things to hastily, you could end up on the Dark Side.
10. The Dark Side is the enemy of the Free Peoples of Middle Earth, err, rather, the Free Peoples of the Galaxy. Generally some old Sith lord in a temple will stir up some trouble. However, without the Dark Side, the book sales stop. So, just suck it up, because you'll always defeat them despite the odds.
News
- Multiplayer! Multiplayer! Multiplayer! Yes, that's right, a Multiplayer competition in July in the form of "Countdown to Oblivion", hosted by our own RA Drax. Head to the Combat Calendar at http://www.ehtiecorps.org/combat/calendar.asp?month=7&year=2004 for details, and show up if you can!
- The Aggressor is in swing. I'll be sending out a mail on Monday for general submissions. Really, you can submit them now if you'd like, though. Just proofread any fictions. The first issue will come out sometime in July.
- X-Wing Alliance Week of War started. Congratulations goes to Damarcus and Alec Qarni, who will be getting XvT WoW Iron Stars as per the WoW Incentive.
- The friendly neighborhood Science Office tells us this week of a bug in EHBL. Pay heed.
- There's a new worthwhile survey on the TIE Corps site regarding mailing lists. I humbly suggest we create a "quickwayforbgcomstoprattle@ehtiecorps.org" list.
- Remains of the EH Codex were found among ancient ruins in an expedition conducted by Priyum Patel. When asked about the accuracy of this old Codex, a Logistics Office representative is said to have commented, "Well, Ronin is Fleet Commander in it, for one."
War Room
"I came. I saw. I won Iron Stars." - Julius Caesar?
BGCOM's Legate
Deadline: Monthly.
URL: http://www.emperorshammer.net/competitions/details.asp?ID=1487.
Description: Titles for the top three pilots in the ASF each month. An IS-GW and the title of "BGCOM's Legate" for the winner.
Week of War Incentive
Deadline: Monthly.
URL: http://www.emperorshammer.net/competitions/details.asp?ID=1403.
Description: Iron Stars for ASF WoW winners! Hurray!
Recruitment Incentive
Deadline: Monthly.
URL: http://www.emperorshammer.net/competitions/details.asp?ID=1461.
Description: Recruit RSVists and help CTs train to help the ASF! Do it for the Flight! Do it for the Squadron! Do it for the Wing! Do it for the ship! Do it for the division! Do it for the club! Do it for your loved ones! Do it for the Emperor! Do it for the Fleet Commander! Do it for Vader! Whatever helps, really.
Night of the Monks
Deadline: Each Friday at 3 AM - 6 AM EST.
Description: Weekly Multiplayer competition! Held in #EHCOC on IRC.
Battlegroup Commander's Office
Get fictions and graphics ready for the July publication of The Aggressor.
I intend to send out some suggestions on Monday after my exam.
Please proofread any submissions to help out the staff.
The other point of note is Drax's Multiplayer competition, mentioned in the news portion of this report.
There will be LoCs, DFCs and yes, precious Iron Stars awarded for winning pilots.
Hopefully you'll all drop by if you're around.
Picture of the Week
Aggressor Strike Force
ISD Grey Wolf - 48
ISD Intrepid - 39
ISD Vanguard - 38
Avenger Squadron - 5
In the service of Multiplayer! Multiplayer! Multiplayer!,
Admiral Khadgar
Aggressor Strike Force Old Codger
BGCOM-FOA-COOA-PROF/AD Khadgar/Aggressor Strike Force
GOE/GS/SSx6/BSx6/PCx8/ISMx16/MoT-2gh/IS-2BW-8BR-1SW-7SR-1GW-1GR/LoC-IS-CSx5-Rx3/CoL/CoB/LoAx32/OV-4E
[ARCN] {IWATS-AIM-ICQ-IIC/1/2/3-M/1/2-PHP-SM/2/3-TT-VBS-XTM/1}