Battlegroup Commander's 9th Weekly Report (12/12/00)
Submitted by Vice Admiral Jarak Maldon, BGCOM
Greetings, Members of the Battlegroups!
Glory to the Empire, pilots and officers! Another week of TIE Corps life winds down to an end as a very important RL holiday approaches. Well, it is different depending on our nationality but the time of year is the same. Either way you are forced into buying hundreds of dollars or pounds sterling worth of garbage that will probably end up in someones trash. Fun, ain't it? Anyway I have a little Christmas suprise for all of you... but it isn't ready yet, so you gotta wait.
I want to talk about more important matters for the time being. Recently Iota Squadron has moved to a new ship. I found the event a little odd and I have confronted the situation. Believe me the first thing I want is a happy crew, then an orderly one that can function well. If you are not happy or having fun, which is the Golden Rule according to Kyle Kessler, then you don't have a place here. If you have any problem whatsoever that you feel needs my attention then please bring it forward and I'll attempt to fix it to the best of my judgement and ability.
I will do, however, what I believe is right before anything else. The overall function of my Battlegroup is paramount to each ship, wing, or squadron. My solution may involve pissing others off even when I don't mean to. Then agian if you have a problem with anything I do then please alert me to it so as I know where I can correct myself. Thank you.
New Feature at TIECORPS.ORG-
Yeah, another one for us. Now you can upload reports from your wing or ship onto TC.ORG just like all the big-shot money-gabber Command Staffers. It is still experimental, so be sure to complain harshly to SA Kawolski if it doesn't work and be sure to mention that SureFire is very very gay. I find it very nice, though, and you can now find all my BG Reports stored there, including this one in a few moments.
The Battlegroups Ace Pilot League:
Kinda quiet, eh? My being away didn't help any, but it is time to heat things up again. Already Lt-Commander Bart on the Relentless had vowed to grab his ship's title away from the evil Flight Officer and others are egar for their own ships gold. We are going to start accepting challenges tomorrow after a new BGAPL Update goes out, but not before. Stay tuned to your INBOX for more updates on this.
Battlegroup Commander's Log-
Disk Clean-Out of the ISD Immortal's databanks has deleated the BGCOM's most recent log, similar to how the Sovereign's decided to wipe out a more fuller version of the EH Newsletter. If you wish you can still view the bare-essential EH NL off the TIE Corps Domain where a link is avalable for downlaod. The BGCOM's report is unretriveable, save for the words- "F---ing computer!!!"
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News Updates from the ISD Challenge, Submitted by Colonel Darklord:
Tempest Squadron Homepage
The Tempest squadron homepage has been recreated by CMDR/LC Zulaan Eronaile. It can be found at http://www.xwing.nu/tempest
Cyclone vs Resh and Koph
Congratulations to Cyclone squadron on defeating not one, but TWO squadrons in a competition! They beat the forces of both Resh and Koph squadron put together by a considerable margin! Full credit to CPT Brandon and Cyclone on a fine victory!
SSSD Sovereign Squadron League
Results are out for the Quarter Finals of the SL. Congratulations to Tornado, Typhoon, Inferno, and Cyclone squadrons on making it through to the semi finals! This means half the participating members in the Semi's are from Wing X!!! The semi's should start anytime now and full details will be forwarded as soon as I receive them!
Supreme Squadron Series
Still nothing....
News Updates from the ISD Relentless, Submitted by Colonel Val Ricaud:
1. HAMMER SQUADRON
If you weren't already aware, all the various transfers involved were officially approved over the weekend, and Hammer Squadron has now been re-opened, staffed by the former complement of Iota Squadron. I'd like to thank everybody for supporting Iota/Hammer on their reasons for this move, and giving them a warm welcome to Wing IX. However, I believe they have yet to be properly "inducted" into the crew ... due to the fact that Roger the Donkey has gotten lost, and the chains got a little broken after Lieutenant Trow's initiation. *Cough* If anybody can find the ISD Relentless Donkey, please report it immediately and meet me outside Hammer Squadron's barracks.
2. SPEAR COMMANDER
While we welcomed Hammer Squadron aboard, the crew of the Relentless also waved a fond goodbye this week to out-going Spear Squadron Commander, LA/RA Quake. Rear Admiral Quake served three very successful months in charge of Spear, and did a spectacular job in turning the ailing unit around into an effective fighting force with a complement active and skilled pilots. After taking applications for his replacement (and considering his own recommendation) with COM/RA Andronicus, I have selected FL/LCM Brad Tack as the new Squadron Commander pending Flight Office approval. Congratulations!
3. YOUR WING NEEDS YOU!
Own XvT or XWA? Play it on-line? Want to play it on-line? Skilled at it? Want to get skilled at it? The Wing IX Multiplayer Honour Guard has been formed as an unofficial collection of Relentless pilots who will fly in MP competitions to represent the ship, and also to offer multiplayer opportunities to those officers who would like to diversify from just playing TIE Fighter. We have a lot of multiplayer talent in Wing IX already, and I'm sure a lot more potential talent. If you want to get your skills up and earn extra credit, e-mail val.ricaud@btinternet.com to join the Honour Guard ASAP!
4. WING COMMANDER'S OWN II UPDATE
This competition was supposed to start last Monday, but due to the issues with Spear Squadron Commander and Iota/Hammer Squadron, had been delayed. I am pleased to be able to announce that with this matters now resolved, the competition will be unsuspended, and begin tomorrow evening (only one week late! :P). Current holders of Wing Commander's Own, Dagger Squadron, have just finished laying a thorough smackdown on Sin Squadron, proving their continued strength. Should be interesting to see if they can hold on to their title!
5. ISD RELENTLESS CHRISTMAS DRINKATHON
We need suggestions! I've had a lot of "great idea! I'll do it!" e-mails since announcing this drinking contest, but not many actual ideas for the sort of details we need to arrange beforehand. It will probably be held in #ISD_Relentless on Friday 22nd December, but we still need to find aprecise time that's suitable for the most people, and the type of beer that should be drunk (how does Budweiser sound to everyone?). This is chance for us to do something original and untested in the TIE Corps, and prove just what utter drunkards we are. ;-)
News Updates from the ISD Immortal, Submitted by Vice Admiral Adrenaline:
This week we say a sad goodbye to MAJ Sanj as he steps down as Falcon Squadron Commander and transfers to his old squadron, Psi/Wing II/SSSD Sovereign. He served the Immortal loyally during his stay here, and will be sadly missed from our ranks. Good luck to him in his future endeavours. A-CMDR of Falcon is LCM Darksaber until the new commander is official.
COL Mell is still on leave, COL Dras Hempor is A-WC, any concerns, questions or problems should be directed to myself and Dras , with Mell being cc'ed. I will continue to do the CMDR's bsf's until Mell returns. I am also A-BGCOM at the moment, so any important Battlegroups issues should be brought to my attention :P VA Jarak is on leave until Monday.
Congratulations to Ranger Squadron for their victory over Hey Squadron flying FREE-XWA 22! Way to show em who's boss!
Ranger Squadron:
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Toran - Score: 6080
Stephenson - Score: 12075
Gidda - Score: 17568
Gord - Score: 13923
Banger - Score: 16007
Total: 59,573
Participation: 100%
Hey Squadron:
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1. LT Dan Jenkins - 10336
2. LT Josh Popelka - 10187
Total = 20523
Our newest batch of SL's are doing great! Already they both have earned a quick and easy promotion to LT, as well as having flown more than some other members on our ship :P Great work LT Riccardo Grazioli and LT Dark Hawk, great to have you on board! The merit system has awarded a couple more pilots with shiny new Bronze Stars for their uniforms, congrats to Demon pilots CPT Lito and CM Braxton. Congratulations, excellent work guys! Demon vs. Phantom comp on right now. They are flying FREE-XWA 24 for highest average score, the victor will be announced today, Dec. 9th ! Good luck to all pilots! There will be a meeting this Sunday at 12pm PST - 8pm GMT (one hour before the Tiecorps meeting ) on irc channel #isd_immortal. Keep up the great communication and excellent flying! Be ready.. a competition is brewing...did somebody say Winterfest?? :P
News Updates from the ISD Colossus:
News updates withheld for this week. Members of the Colossus, expect a brief from your Commodore shortly.
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LT. COMMANDER STALLION'S GUIDE TO KARMA SUTRA
Sex. It's an inevitable fact of life. And as military officers, it's a common fact of life for us TIE Corps flight jockeys. Let's face it, no respectable chick can resist the charm of a dashing starfighter pilot. Especially one with a backseat in his TIE Defender. As resident Wing IX Love God, my aim is to make sure that you use your lure as a pilot properly. That is, to milk it for all it's worth. They don't call it "whore leave" for nothing, you know ...
1. EQUIPMENT
Your basic kit for sexual activity is:
* A tube of K-Y Jelly -- for lubrication. Essential for giving your boots a new lease of life. The modern fighting man can't afford to waste time on foreplay, conversation or indeed any form of relationship that cannot be terminated in 30 seconds with air support.
* An excuse -- we're only human. For Christ's sake, we've been killing all day.
* A valid passport -- for speedy exfiltration, preferably by Assault Transport.
* The element of surprise -- lay down a good arc of bulls*** to cover you before advancing. Check for booby traps and ensure that the area allows the use of minefields to prevent target's departure before penetration. If resistance is likely, soften up defences with 28 days of orbital bombardment.
2. POSITIONING
For security reasons, the bog standard face-to-face missionary position is a no-no. It allows your sexual partner (always a potential foe, especially after the orbital bombardment) to take advantage of your unprotected rear. How many times have you been pounding away only to find a small child support agency query protruding from your back? Of course, there are ways of minimising the risk, such as tying the hands or anaesthetising, which, although pleasurable, may put you at a disadvantage with your partner. It also makes it really hard to get your clothes back on. But basically there is only one safe sexual position for rock hard members of the TIE Corps. The Fido or "doggy" position. This stance allows you to prevent your "doggy" partner (or pedigree chum) from stealing a psychological advantage by looking at your eyes and saying things like "Perhaps if you thumb it in?" or "Do you need me here for this?" It is best to adopt this position close to an open doorway to aid speedy withdrawal.
3. CONTRACEPTION
Any responsible pilot knows the value of a good packet of three. For example, in the absence of brown hessian sacks, condoms make great substitute sandbags and may also be adapted for use as pressure sensitive space mines. Of course condoms also have a role to play in sexual encounters and if you find you've run out, empty a sandbag and use a brown hessian sack instead. It's a bit scratchy, but a great way of disguising your identity.
4. AIDS
If you're really short, a chair can be very useful.
Remember: never give her your real name, rank or serial number. Try sticking to your pen name.
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For now all I can say is keep in there and do what you are doing. Right now we are in a down-phase of activity thanks to the holidays, but we are going to see a kick-up after we all get back after a new year comes. A new competition is in the works that may even involve the selecting of a new Battlegroups Flagship, so keep top-ear out for that. I also would appreciate any sugestions you may have on how to improve the conditions of the Battlegroups. Thank you all for being one of the best groups in the Emperor's Hammer TIE Corps! Don't forget, you all are Imperial Pilots- Act like them :)
Quote of the Week:
"It is basic human procreation, the result is the same no matter what the prelude of events. What is all the talk for, then?"
-Seven of Nine, Star Trek: Voyager.
Glory to the Empire! Glory to the TIE Corps Battlegroups!
Vice Admiral Jarak Maldon
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BGCOM/VA Jarak Maldon/ISD Immortal/TIE Corps Battlegroups
GS/SSx2/BS/PCx3/ISMx7/MoI/MoT-2gh/MoC-5BoC-2SoC/CoB/LoA/OV-2E
[HUSS] {IWATS-CBX-IIC/1-M/1/2-SM/1/2} (YT-2000 Nova Star) KAP(Krath)/Rogue
VPO(ret)/CG/CD (ret) CMDR(ret)/LCMD/IW/EH (ret) [MoD] [MC2] [MoI] {IWGRD:CW}
Battlegroups Ace Pilot League- Former ISD Colossus Ace Champion
http://battlegroups.ehnet.org jarak@stny.rr.com