SSSD SOVEREIGN NEWS, 3-4-02

COM/VA Proton reporting for the SSSD Sovereign, flagship of the Emperor's Hammer Strike Fleet.

Wing commanders, pass this along to your squadrons, and cc: me on those mails.

***
Leroy the jawa expertly applied the electronic thumbscrews to the toes of the TIE Corps Reserve colonel as Dude the Tusken raider brutally twisted the pilot's arm behind his back and Snippy the probe droid expertly applied electroshock studs to the victim's skull.
Nearby, the beautiful but deadly Ballista cracked her spike-tipped whip, flashing a malicious grin at the captive colonel.
Observing the skillful prisoner "debriefing" by his assistants, Vice Admiral Proton smiled coldly.
"Comfortable, reservist?" the commodore laughed cruelly. "Enjoy your ... interview. This is what happens to anyone who questions the content of my official ship reports. Muahahahahaha!"
***

SOVEREIGN AND FLEET NEWS AND NOTES

-- Monthly wing evaluations: Where are they? COL SickMan gets this month's free fifth of whiskey for filing his MWE first. I'm growing increasingly alarmed by the lateness -- and in some cases, complete lack -- of MWEs from the Sov flag officers. I'm also alarmed by the scarcity of wing reports and seeming absence of active leadership in the wings. A general comment, not singling anyone out: If you can't devote the time and energy to being an effective WC, step down. An inactive WC is just as bad and even worse than an inactive CMDR -- especially because an inactive WC is no doubt allowing ineffective CMDRs to languish in the squadrons. No wonder participation in comps in recent months has been so weak. OK, rant over. But I expect a bunch of officers to kick it into gear.

-- Sov weekly multiplayer night in IRC #ehcoc: This is being planned, thanks to CPT Autoris Maximus. If any WC or CMDR is interested in running the Sov night, let Auto and I know.

-- Our Imperial Storm III tactical staff is being formed. I have a few applicants for the XWA tac posts, but no one has stepped forward to help in TIE. Mail me if you're interested.

-- Check out this shipwide comp: EHTPT: The Emperor's Hammer TIE Pilot Tour. It is open to all Sovereign pilots. To participate, go here: http://212.242.141.115/ehtpt

-- Here's another quick ship flight competition, the SSSD Sovereign Free Mission Blast No. 1. Three iron stars are up for grabs, and the comp is open to XWA and TIE pilots:
http://sov.imperialmight.com/blast.htm

-- Return of the Rat Pack, Round IV, The Pack defeats Wing IV's CMDRs.
The Ratpack
COL Reaper (Wing IV) - 245,563
COM/VA Proton (SOVCom) - 157,568
Total: 403131
Wing IV Commanders
CM Philo (Yod) - 257,895
MAJ Nurel Turr (Zayin) - 92,222
Total: 350117

The standings are Rat Pack 2, wings 2. Next up: Wing V CMDRs.

-- LC Freelancer of Lambda Squadron in Wing I, keeping alive a tradition he and his sick friends nurtured when he was in Wing II, has written an "intelligence test report" for his new WC, LC Murad. See the attachment at the end of this report.

-- LC Kalar is working with Wing III to create wing standing orders. All wings should do this if they lack SOs. A starting point would be to review the Flight Office and Sovereign SOs.

-- Conventions Commission Competition
01:44 - FA Keiran Idanian [ROKeiranIdanian@aol.com]
With the creation of the Conventions Commission (CC) I was thinking it would be good to have a official banner as well as splash banner for aofficial site which is in the making. The banner should be the normal size (400x40 pixels). The banner can be any size you want to make it, but please keep in mind that it that it will be on the page page of the CC homepage.
STARTING: 2.22.2002
ENDING: 3.22.2002
Awards:
1st Place: IS-GR
2nd Place: IS-SR
3rd Place: IS-BR
Please send your submissions to Fleet Admiral Keiran Idanian.

-- EH Pin Competition
01:43 - FA Keiran Idanian [ROKeiranIdanian@aol.com]
For many of the upcoming conventions taking place because of Episode II, I thought that I would open a new competition for all the members of the Emperor's Hammer. In this, I would like members to come up with a design for a EH jacket pin. It can be any design you want.
STARTING: 2.20.2002
ENDING: 3.6.2002
Awards:
1st Place: IS-GR
2nd Place: IS-SR
3rd Place: IS-BR
Please send your submissions to Fleet Admiral Keiran Idanian.

FORCE STRENGTH

SSSD Sovereign [198]
Wing I [39]
Wing II [26]
Wing III [34]
Wing IV [37]
Wing V [33]
Wing VI [28]
Omega Squadron [12]

SHIP COMMUNICATIONS

IRC channel: #SSSD_Sovereign
Message board:
http://www.imperialmight.com/wwwthreads/postlist.php?Cat=&Board=cantina

CANTINA COMMENTS

-- Last week on IRC, a reserve officer (whom I won't humiliate by naming publicly here, but man am I tempted) was babbling on about the large number of quotes in the Sov report. I asked him if he had a problem with my reports. Apparently he hadn't noticed I was in the channel. Anyway, if anyone else wants a sterile report with numbers, dashes and acronyms, let me know; but I'm going to keep trying my best to make the ship reports entertaining and interesting as well as informative.

-- So, here's another large list of quotes by Sov personnel :)

"And Sicky has a new ship called "Flying Bikini" a modifyed Muurian Transport that should meet my demands hehe." -COL SickMan

"Sickys drivel of the Week "Wing V is back, back to being the best, lock up your daughters & hide the booze" " -COL SickMan

"that really was a very bad accent, practice by saying 'You can't kick a bloke in the pills its just not cricket' :P" -COL 'Stiff ass Brit' Reaper

"Recruit, recruit, recruit. ... I cannot let LC Murad keep my nice comfy WC chair, he'll ruin my ass groove and should I get it back, it will takes ages to get it right again :P" -COL Reaper

"Also this week Sicky got a new computer, so all the curses and shouting you heard from my office was me trying to transfer vasts amount of emails and getting to grips with Windows XP." -COL SickMan

"Hmm... What should I say... WC/LC Murad has been attacked by a chemical assassination attack from Rebels and is currently in full quarantine..." -CM Dark Viper

"Why, if I hadn't been forced to run into a burning building to rescue
a pair of conjoined twins, I would have bested his score!" -LC Freelancer

"I wonder if it's because I rock? No?! Curse you Proton, why do you
crush my fantasies so? Oh. Evil. Gotcha." -LC Freelancer

"I'm looking for my creative genious, I left it round here somewhere, must find it." -MAJ Jon Doyle

"You are all monkeys. That will be all." -GN Compton

"You are a monkey! Monkey see, monkey do! :) " -COL Darth Vader

"Monkey poop all over you." -GN Compton

"I am a monkey by birth according to the Chinese Lunar calendar.
**throws some monkey poop at Compton** " -COL Brian

" Splat!!!
::glances slyly at C::
Monkey poop fight!
::drags out the monkey-poop-fight catapult and cannon:: " -COL Darth Vader

"(to General Ford) I'd like to take the opportunity to congratulate you on your recent promotion. Although I was wondering if you were going to change your name to "Motors" to keep with the automobile theme :-). Seriously, congratulations...I'll get the next round in at the Cantina!" -LC Murad

"Bah, I just inspect them. I don't worship them. No, the drunkards in Wing II "worship the porcilain god". Hehehe, yup yup, those slushes can't keep the booze down since I left!" -LC Freelancer

"Back when I was a fresh faced SL, I somewhat regreted signing on with the mailing list because there were so many messages each day. You have 60 new messages in your Hotmail inbox, that was a common saying. Nowadays, tumbleweed rolls across my desktop in the morning, crickets are making noise at night. Too quiet. We need some newbie Cadets that talk alot, we old folk don't seem to talk to much..." -CM Pat Dowling

"all you old farts who once wielded power sure provide us with some good gossip :) " -COL Tad

"The power of my farts could kill you all." -GN Compton

"Nah I could hide behind my old CA:OPS uniform for protection. :) " -COL Brian

" *Mentally makes a note to begin offering porn to his superiors*)
Well, it certainly makes you view the Admirality in a whole new light, doesn't it boys and girls? Also gives a whole new (and disturbing) meaning to the rank Rear Admiral." -COL Sasquatch

"Hotmail = Bantha PooDoo" -COL SickMan

"Alot of people I know also seem to get stupid spam mail and ads through Hotmail. I'm not too sure if I want to "Increase my breast size in a week". -CM Pat Dowling

"Ah, why not Pat? Girls and women around the world wish they could safely and naturally increase their bust size! Why not make them jealous?" -CPT Jason Hunter

COM/VA Proton/SSSD Sovereign


----[Freelancer comedy attachment]----

Come one, come all!

I'm going to answer the question on everybody's minds!

How smart is our WC?

Okay, I took it as my God-given duty to heckle the WC again, just
because he's still relatively new (I mean, sheesh, he hasn't even
been here for 5 years yet!!! :P), and just because... well... Just
because!

For the sake of scientific study, I was precise as possible... I used
several other test subjects as comparison.

Our first experiment:

I hooked the food treat in the lab rat's cage to a power source. When
the rat took a nibble, it got a nasty shock. It did not go back for
seconds. The rat showed rudimentary learning in this experiment.

Now, for Murad, we have a similar test. I hooked up Murad's morning
donut (which was placed on a platter on his desk) with electrodes
hooked into a proportionally similar power source (taking into
account the rat's mass and Murad's mass). When he reached for the
donut, he received a nasty jolt. He seemed to stare at his food item
for a moment, put down his morning reports, and tried again. He was
shocked again. He seemed to get angry and tried again and again, each
time merely pulling his hand back. Well, after the 100-hour life of
the battery was worn out in 3 (I'll sue Duracell!) and much
head-shaking on the part of the observing scientist (me), I concluded
the experiment. It would seem that Murad is less inteligent than a
simple lab rat.

Our second experiment:

Using our trusty lab rat, we set up a series of counter-weighted
ladders in a vertical maze. The rat is required to climb up a ladder,
pull that ladder up, position it, and climb up again, then across a
small stretch of wire to get the treat. Our lab rat performed the
first step with ease. The second step - pulling the ladder up and
using it again - took a little effort, but was accomplished. And
finally, at the third step, the so-called highwire act, our rat
paused, fearing the fall, but overcoming its fear for the treat.

With Murad, I had to use slightly different motivation. For some
strange reason he'll no longer eat donuts (our primary treat). I had
to use alternative methods. So I dumped him in CCK's old scorpion
pit. Inside the pit was a series of counter-weighted ladders which
would allow him to get out in 3 easy steps (similar to the rat's
cage). Murad took a moment to look at the contraption, then I hit the
secret lever which released the scorpions into the pit. Let's watch.

"OWWWWWWWWW!!!!! GET'EM OFF!!! GET'EM OFF!!!!"

Hrm.. He's not going for the first ladder -- oh, wait, there he goes.
He's up the ladder to the second step. Uh-oh, he better hurry, those
scorps are climbing up too.

"YEAAAARGH!!!!!!"

Okay, now he's just trying to jump to the next level. He's totally
ignoring the ladder.

"HELP ME! FOR THE LOVE OF PALPATINE! HEEEELLLLLP MEEEEE!!!!"

For the sake of science I could not interfere. I watched analytically
as Murad undid his belt and hooked the buckle on the corner of the
next platform up. Hrm.. Creative perhaps, but still not what this
experiment was designed to test. He shimmied up the belt until he
could grab the edge, then pulled himself up.

The scorpions, however, were by this time pulling the ladder up
themselves, and positioning it to get up to Murad's new position.

Murad uttered some unmentionable things about CCK's favorite pets,
and then tried scrambling up to the third platform with his belt
again. Unfortunately, I had not placed them at equal heights, and it
was out of reach. The scorpions came up and mobbed him. Biting,
stinging, and gouging, they poured over him. He only escaped by
jumping on the scorpions and then using his belt on the next level
up.

Not very creative this time. Same old trick. And the ladder was
*right there*. *sigh*

Okay, he's up. The scorps are valiantly trying to get the ladder in
position again. The only thing between Murad and freedom is a 7"
diameter round pole connecting his platform to the li[ of the pit
(and from there he can get out of the pit). He hesitates. The scorps
start pouring onto his platform and he rushes out onto the pole. He
loses his balance and the pole slips between both feet. His eyes roll
inward as he sits straddling the pole for a minute, then rocks and
falls to the bottom of the pit again.

Conclusion: Murad is not as smart as either a lab rat or a pack of
vicious scorpions chasing at his heels. Note to self, send Murad an
ice pack.

Our final experiment:

Using a monkey in this one, rather than a rat, I raised the monkey
with a wireframe mother (with a material cover). Whenever the monkey
experienced something new, or especially frightening, the first thing
it would do is rush to the artificial mother and cling to it.

Curious about the instinctual reactions, I tried the same experiment
on Murad. I was able to sic ballista on Murad. The reaction was quite
noteworthy. Murad was talking to his CMDRs when he saw Ballista
charging full steam towards him. His first reaction was to jump into
LC Adolf's arms and cried "Mommy!"

Interesting...

Conclusion: um.. Lesse, how can I spin this one? Ah, yes! Murad is
JUST as inteligent as a developmentally diminished monkey!

I think these findings support themselves >=D

Thank you, and good day.

(P.S. 'Tis all in good jest, Murad! I don't really think you're as
smart as a developmentally diminished monkey! A fully developed one,
maybe, but diminished? No! :P)

FM/LC "Ph.D" Freelancer/LAMBDA 1-3/Wing I/SSSD Sov

----[end Freelancer comedy attachment]----