Wing IX Report #3
From the desk of Major Rejili Holthaus...

FLEET NEWS
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1. NEW PATCH FOR WINDOWS XP SP2 PATCH
For all you windows users out there, SP2 has been patched by our science office, so now you will be able to run EHBL with it (if you got it to work before the SP2 patch, that is). Download is here:
http://www.minos.net/~sco/files/Tiepatch.zip

2. WEEKLY NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK THAT'S COMPLETELY INCONSEQUENTIAL AND UNIMPORTANT BUT IT HELPS FILL UP A REPORT
HA Priyum has announced that the EH will systematically hunt down and slaughter all opposition, but only on Wednesday nights after 10pm GMT. With the introduction of LoC's into FW we should all fear for our recruitment capacity.

3. TOKEN TACTICAL OFFICE NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM
Malik has been chosen to replace D.T. Hammer as TCHC. What the TCHC does, or why we care, is still a mystery.

WING NEWS
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1. ECR STANDINGS
Mell is putting out the GFX score tonight, and the fiction scores on Wednesday. I think we can expect a rise out of last place, and we still have a chance to win. If your name is Mosh, remember that the missions are due Dec. 3rd.

2. WC's OWN COMP
Starting now, I'm going to decide WC's Own based on which squadron implements my suggestions fastest to help make the Rel a more sophisticated and desirable place for new/returning members. This week, the contest is who gets all their uniforms updated the fastest. CMDR's please send me the results AS SOON as you know you've gotten everyone, and once I verify that, that squadron will be the winner. Plus, when awarded medals for MSE's, I'm going to start taking into account how many weeks each pilot was in the WC's Own, so there's a payoff for you pilots too ;)

3. WSR's
Yes, that's right, weekly reports. I don't recall having seen Crossbow's or Hammers report this week, however my email has been acting funny, so maybe I just didn't get them. Please try to put reports out on time, or to let us know if for some reason you can't.

4. **RECRUITMENT DRIVE** - #1 PRIORITY
Our numbers are lower than they have ben since our last recruitment drive, so it's about time for another. We realy need to get some new blood in here, go for rl and reservists, stay away from cadets. I will be VERY generously awarding everyone who brings in recruits.

5. WING IX MOTTO
The response to my motto question was overwhelming, so it'll take me a while to figure out whose translation is the best. However Powerslave, Morphues, and Roulex, please remind your CMDR's to put 'Helping WC with his duties' in your MSE. You guys deserve it. If we can be this enthusiatic about everything we do around here, we'll be the most active ship in the fleet.

6. WEEKLY ACTIVITY
ECR is over, so it's time to get active again. For my part, I've flown ten missions, I know Roulex has flown, and Fahrer has done a bunch of IWATS, to name a few. Everyone, try to fly one mission or do one IWATS this week. Or, send me a graphic or fiction that I can submit to the newsletter. If we can get Ast to think we're doing a lot of stuff, it'll make us harder to get rid of ;)

7. DRINK OF THE WEEK
Straight from the bar of the Stardrifter Lounge, and personally tested and approved by Major Rejili Holthaus, this week's serving suggestion ...

LEG SPREADER
Ingredients:
1 oz Tequila
1 oz Vodka
1 oz Gin
1 oz Rum
Mixing instructions:
Mix in glass and enjoy.


THE WING IX MORALE OFFICE
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A Rant from the Desk of General Steve the Cricket Bat ...

Money scares me. Why? Because I haven't got any. If I was rolling in the stuff I'd no doubt love it to death, and would subsequently buy dedicated magazines, with titles like Money Monthly or Dosh Illustrated (they'd be very expensive magazines, you understand, so poor people couldn't afford them).

But like I say, I'm skint - as I was explaining last week to a bloke I call Captain Lottery, who works at the local gym I try to visit on a weekly basis. I was trying to get past him at the reception. I call him Captain Lottery, incidentally, because all he ever talks about are his lottery numbers ...
"I got two right on Saturday," he said, somewhat predictably. I knew he was about to tell me which ones they were, too: "One was a 12 and the other was a 16."
"Oh," I said.
"Yes," he continued, telling me his other four, and explaining how the overall "pattern" was right, but that it just happened to be in the wrong place.
"A stroke of bad luck," I said. I was slowly edging past him to the changing rooms.
"I'm getting nearer the big one every week, though!" he announced confidently. "You do the lottery yerself, do ya?"
"Not generally, no," I said. "I'm too skint most of the time."
"Skint? Skint?" yelped Captain Lottery, as if he'd stubbed a toe. "You can't be too skint to do the lottery, mate. That ain't no excuse! What are ya talkin' abart? You ain't gettin' away with that!"

Disaster. I now had to justify not doing the lottery to someone who believed in it as if it were a religion. It's worth mentioning that Captain Lottery, although a tragic saddo, is also about a 10 feet tall and built like a brick outhouse. In his eyes I was now a blaspheming little infidel.
"If you want money you gotta spend money," he snarled, angrily.
"But it's the odss," I said reasonably. "They're hard to grasp at a gut level, I know, but I found this computer programme which simulates 10 draws a second. It does graphs and stuff. I left it running all night once, and the next morning I hadn't even won the £100,000 bonus ball prize."
"So? So what? What the feck does that mean? You're winding me up, pal!"
I explained - trying hard not to sound patronising - that this "over-night simulation" was the equivalent, in real terms, of 360,000 years worth of lottery draws. Captain Lottery looked confused. He was apparently running out of brain cells. His forearm muscles were starting to flex, causing his merchant navy style tattoos to dance about in a purple jig. There followed a ten second silence after which all hell let loose ...
"Show me your fecking computer programme!" demanded Captain Lottery, suddenly.

Oh no - I'd have to let him into my flat for that. And if he couldn't face the truth from the PC, he might accuse me of rigging things and demand satisfaction there and then: "We can settle this with fists or knives!" he might say. "How about fists, knives or three rounds of Tekken?" I could only reply. Then he'd put me in a hospital anyway. Now was the moment, I decided, to placate him with a load of arse (something I should have done in the first place).
"I had to sell the computer," I said. "I got behind with the rent."
"Oh yeah?" he replied, suspiciously.
"Mind you," I added quickly, "I often wonder if there was a bug in the programme. After all, me telling you that the chances of winning the £100,000 bonus is less than 360,000 to 1 isn't going to mean much to someone who's just won that very same £100,000, is it?"
"Eh? Er, no, it ain't," said Captain Lottery.
"And that old 14 million-to-one stuff is going to mean even less to the person who's won 28 million quid on a rollover week, eh?"
"Tooz feckin' roight!" replied Captain Lottery.
"Besides," I said, "If you get a large enough syndicate together you could win every time. A syndicate of a hundred people, even if they only won the smallest prize, would each earn 10p every single week, for only a penny outlay."
"Really?" said Captain Lottery, satisfied.
"It's a dead cert," I said, nodding, and taking the opportunity of his stunned silence to quickly dart the final few feet into the changing rooms of the gym. He followed me in, however, and after a few moments of deliberation, suggested (firmly) that we start a syndicate ... him and me. Discretion being the better part of valour means that I now, every bloody Saturday lunchtime, am forced to drop a 50p coin through his sodding letterbox. I'm paying him "protection money" and he doesn't even know it.

ACTIVITY
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23 mission(s) flown
2 IWAT(S) passed
1 WSR's issued

POSTINGS AND PROMOTIONS
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None

AWARDS
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CoB to CM Fox, for never having previously received one
Squadron of the Week: Shield Squadron - For flying 13 of the 23 missions this week
Pilot of the Week: LCM Roulex - for flying 8 of those missions

STANDING ORDERS
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-ALL MEMBERS-

Weekly Contact
At the very minimum, all members of the Wing will make contact with thier direct superior at least one time per week, VIA EMAIL. This is the very minimum to be considered active in Wing IX. If you intend to be off of the internet for more then (5) days, email your Commander and let him or her know as a common courtesy. If you are taking a Leave of Abscense more then ten (10) days, notify your Commander -AND- the Wing Commander via email.


-SQUADRON COMMANDERS-

Weekly Squadron Reports (WSRs)
WSEs will be submitted NLT 12.00PM each Thursday by email to the Wing Commander, Your Squadron, and the Wing IX Email List. Also, each report must contain statistics for Total missions flown, and IWATS passed.

Monthly Squadron Evaluations (MSEs)
MSEs will be submitted to the Wing Commander NLT the last day of the month. It should cover activity throughout the whole month.

AWOLs / MIAs / Reserve Requests
If you have found a pilot to be AWOL (no contact in 30 days), or MIA (bad email address), or a pilot has requested to go the reserves, you WILL NOT make the database request yourself. Forward the relevant information to the Wing Commander, who will verify the information, and make one last effort to 'save' the pilot before he or she is removed from the wing. This is NOT to take authority away from the CMDRs, but to allow the flags to ensure that a pilot really wants to leave. A good example is a pilot whos pissed off at his CMDR and has requested the reserves, when it's entirely possible the pilot would be happy in another squadron.

Flight Leaders
EVERY Flight Leader position in the Wing will ALWAYS be filled. If your Flight Leader leaves the squadron for whatever reason, you will appoint a new Flight Leader immediately. The Flight Office requires that all three flights have a leader in order for new pilots to be placed in that Squadron. We will not miss any opportunity for new pilots!

Designated XO
Every Squadron will have a designated XO. This person will know what he or she needs to do in the event that you are unable to come online, specifically in the area of filing a report for you.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
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"Gee, its harder to come up with these when you guys
don't email me ideas for it..."
- CM Fox commiserating about how hard it is to find good quotes


In service of the Empire,

Major Rejili Holthaus
(NHolthaus@Hotmail.com) - "Baron de Menari"
WC/MAJ Rejili Holthaus/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
PCx3/ISMx3/MoI/MoT-1gh/IS-2BR-2SR/CoB/OV-4E [GALL]
{IWATS-AIM-CBX-FZ-GFX-IBX-ICQ-IIC/1/2/3-JS-LIN-M/1/2-MP-MS-RT-SM/2/3-SWGB-TLN-TM/1-TT-VBS-WM-WPN-XAM}