Welcome to another episode of... the WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!
With your host, the only man with an ego large enough to have been mistaken for a planet... twice... Colonel Dan Seth "Instigator" Malaktos!
::Sappy music::
DISCLAIMER: Those who have had the high privilege of reading the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT might believe that the WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT is a copy of the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT. Please note that this is not the case, and that the two are independent of eachother in every way.
Dan> Why thank you, Bob! Today we have a special treat for you! Highlights from the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT... which has nothing to do with the WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT. Let's watch!
::The lights fade out, and Dan turns on a projector. Three men in leotards enter a dimly lit room with a red glow::
Dan> Err... whoops... that's... not mine...
::Dan fiddles with the reel and the projector's image changes::
January 14th, 2001...
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, it's quite a time when I can address you as 'ladies and gentlemen.' No longer must I say 'bumbling buffoons,' 'narotic neanderthals,' 'crazed marsupials,' '...Sov look-alikes,' 'idiots,' 'homicidal jackrabbits,' 'gentlemen,' or, the latest and most understanding one: 'lady and gentlemen.' The Relentless has come a long way in women's rights. The first and only women's rights activist of the Relentless was supposed to join us tonight, Tony the partially derranged squid-boy, but he ate himself.
---
Dan> Ah yes, that's a clip from when we had an actual female in the squadron... What a trip. I think I sexually harassed her by 'accident,' or something... anyway, next clip!
January 21st, 2001...
Dan Malaktos here, the survival specialist! Due to recent complications of the exposure of my week on Endor, I have put together this kit for anyone venturing to a planet populated by Super Zealot Flower Hippies. You'll find everything you need to brave the unknown forests of Endor, the cycadelic lights of the local disco, or... your doghouse. But this is a limited time offer, you must call now for best offer! Want to know how much it is? I'll tell you later.
In this bargain, you'll find:
I. My self-help book entitled: "Why the F*ck Are You Listening to Me?! Are You F*cking Stupid or Something?!"
II. A stick
III. Fool's gold
IV. My Braille version of my self-help book, for you stupid blind people, entitled: "Why the F*ck Are You Blind?! Did Your Parents F*cking Drop You On Your Head or Something?!"
V. A piece of string
VI. A mirror
VII. My audio-tape of my famous self-help book, for you stupid blind people who can't read Braille, entitled: "Why the F*ck Can't You Read Braille?! Are You F*cking Stupid or Something?!"
VIII. Three ounces of crappy liquor
IX. Parodies of music by Dan Malaktos, "I'm an Imp!" "Kill Every Rebel" "Imperial Conquest" "The Mind of a Rebel" and many more!
X. Earplugs for the afore mentioned
XI. Audio-tape player with only one battery
XII. One sock
XIII. Water for sock washing
XIV. Three pieces of dental floss
XV. A recording of Dan Malaktos' voice
XVI. My picture book version of my famous self-help book, for all you stupid children who can't read, entitled: "Don't You Know Why the F*ck You're Here?! There's No F*cking Stork!"
XVII. Eyewash for the afore mentioned
XVIII. A rock
XIX. A magic marker
XX. A CD Jewel case
XXI. My bottle of liquor version of my famous self-help book with the words as the label, for all you stupid Wing IXers, entitled: "F*ck F*ck F*ck F*ck F*ck F*ck F*ck F*ck?! Drink More Liquor, You F*ck!"
XXII. A hole
XXIII. A button
XXIV. A Mariachi Band
XXV. My porn video version of my famous self-help book, for all you stupid Wing Xers, entitled: "What the F*ck Are you staring at?! It's Supposed to Be There, You F*ck!"
XXVI. A Swiss Army Knife without ANY gadgets... to confuse people
And much, much more! Now, how long could you survive with that? 3, 8, 76? Minutes of course. All for the low, low cost to you of the left half of your body. And for your right foot, we'll sever everything FOR you! Wait a minute! There's something in here! It's.... the NEWS!
---
Dan> I'm not even going to say anything. Next clip!
March 25th, 2001
Well well well... WSR time. That wonderful time of the week when a man and a woman... oh wait... that's sex. I always get the two confused because the WSR comes only once a week and I get sex once a.... never mind.
---
Dan> I'm not going to finish that sentence. Next clip!
November 5th, 2000
"Kessler has two pairs of underwear. Four if you count it when he turns them inside out"---Anonymous... Ok, it was Ricaud.
---
Dan> I heard he three... Next clip!
December 17th, 2000
Bill>You sure they aren't some kind of wierd assassin group? I've seen them on TV. "Aurora's Wierdest Assassin Groups Sent To Kill You In Excruciatingly Painful or Peculiar Ways." I call it AWAGSTKYIEPOP for short. It's a great show. What they do, is they find these paranoid idiots who think that they're always being tailed by an assassin group, and they always carry cam-corders. But the thing is... they aren't! Then AWAGSTKYIEPOP sends a wierd assassin group! And these idiots think that they've always been tailed! Then they kill them in wierd ways and show the video!
Dan> Well that's enough stupidity for one day...
FLEET NEWS:
1. I'll post if you post!: It seems every Flag Officer in the Fleet is playing a game I used to play in third grade. "You show me yours, and I'll show you mine." Well no one's showing anyone their posts! Tc.org/news.asp is EMPTY!
2. It's that time of the year...: EH Domain updated...
3. A sick torpedo addresses the fleet...: COL Sickman, RA Proton, and LCM Murkrow Defender need mission builders for the Sov... Bah.
4. The Emperor's Hammer joins with other organizations in an effort to console families of victims of September 11th.
5. IWTAC passes on. IWTAC Neo died on September 11th.
6. Kramer awarded MoH. Who?
7. GoE awarded to Pri, TCCOM. GoE. Not GOE. Not GOoE. GoE!
8. New officer created for TIE Corps, the War Officer, to hold war games.
Wing News:
1. DOOM to those who oppose us! Doom Fleet wins ImpStorm by a landslide! Drinks are on me.
2. Hammer Commander open: Commander Sunrider has transferred to the Subjugator. Thus, CMDR of Hammer is open. Anyone who wishes to apply may. I expect applications to hold ALL needed information. If when I open the email, and I stretch it from the top of my screen to the bottom, and I see your ID Line closing the email, there is a 99% chance you will find your email in my recycling bin. Just so you know, my resolution is 1280x960. You may all use that as a goal.
3. Exercise your Cantina Run...ning!: Well, we didn't have as good a showing as I would have liked in Round 1.
People who did not submit:
Lieutenant Zuckuss
Lieutenant Strahl
Sub-Lieutenant Riv Shiel
All of you must send an email to me, cc:ing Lohr, explaining your situation, or you will face my iron left buttock.
Participation: 86.36363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636363636364%... not good.
Imperial Weapons and Tactics School...
Looks like no one was touched by Astatine this week. Tune in next week for more touching! Same plutonic time, same plutonic channel!
Position changes
Shield
Wow-AWOLed
Zartan Xynotien-AWOLed
CT Discoman to Shield
Hammer
Steve Sunrider-transferred out
Promotions
CT Discoman to SL W.E.F.
BSF Statistics
Hammer-4(100%)
LCM Dupuy-1(25%)
LT Tycho Ackbar-2(50%)
CM Steve Sunrider-1(25%)
Good show for Hammer to be flying, even during the ECR!
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT PIKACHU!"--Dan Malaktos
Colonel D. S. "Instigator" Malaktos
-----------------------------------
WC/COL Dan "Instigator" Malaktos/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
BSx2/PCx2/ISMx6/MoI/MoT-1rh-4gh/LoC-CSx8/CoS/CoL/LoA/OV-4E
[GALL] {IWATS-CORE-AIM-GFX-IIC/1/2-M/1/2-RT-SM/2-TM-XTT}
[YT-2000 Hand of the Apocalypse]
{PIN 4197}
"Join the Relentless! It makes your hometown better!"