Welcome to the premiere episode of... the WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!
With your host, the only man with an ego large enough to have been mistaken for a planet... twice... Colonel Dan Seth "Instigator" Malaktos!
::Sappy music::
DISCLAIMER: Those who have had the high privilege of reading the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT might believe that the WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT is a copy of the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT. Please note that this is not the case, and that the two are independent of eachother in every way.
Dan> Why thank you, Bob! I'm thrilled for our first broadcast. We've got a special show for you today, with news and stuff... and other stuff. First, however, I would like to address the most important situation---
::Lohr runs into the room::
Dan> What are you doing!? This is my job, now!
Lohr> But...
Dan> You're the Commodore now!
::Lohr looks sad and leaves slowly::
Dan> Anyway, since it's my first time in a while---
Bill> Showering?
Bob> Brushing your teeth?
Dan> No... on the air... expect a paycut, you bastards.
Bill> You don't pay us.
Dan> I give you free food, though!
Bill> Yeah, you take what's in the galley and mix it with cheap beer.
Dan> That's FREE beer, to you, you ungrateful bootlickers! Anyway, to stress the importance of the Exercise Cantina Run, I have asked Kessler to join us today.
::Kessler is wheeled in by a Stormtrooper. He is clad in a straight jacket::
Dan> Most of you probably don't know this, but there is a Kessler Mental Institution in New Jersey...
::Dan unties Kessler, who climbs onto the ceiling and hangs by his legs on a bar::
Dan> For those of you who don't know, Kessler founded the Exercise Cantina Run.
Kessler> Tina.
Dan> Truly, a brilliant officer.
Kessler> Iant.
Dan> I'm glad he was released from his holding cell today.
Kessler> Ding ding!
Dan> Although, I don't know why he was ever committed to the institution.
Kessler> Tion!
Dan> Kessler, why did you first start the ECR?
Kessler> Well there were these bats that kept flying around my head. They kept screaching really loud. "EEEEEEEK! EEEEEEEEEEK! EEEEEEEEK!"
Dan> Umm...
Kessler> I was so surprised, I yelled "AAAAAARRRRR!"
Dan> What's this have to do with anything?
Kessler> Well, if you put it together, it sounds like "EKR." But, come on, E. K. R.? Makes no sense. So I thought, hey, 'c's make hard sounds, so it could be E. C. R.. All that was left, then, was thinking up words for each letter...
Dan> So this was all some mental droning of your subconscious?
Kessler> ARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALIP!
Dan> But why did you actually put it into action?
Kessler> I had nothing better to do.
Dan> So it wasn't about unity and such?
Kessler> Well the bats were screaming in unison, if that's what you mean.
Dan> Uhh... escort? Get this nut off my set...
::Kessler is tied up and wheeled out::
Kessler> Dad! The chickens are dying!
Dan> Hrm.. let's just get started with the news...
FLEET NEWS:
1. Most of you know of the attacks on the United States of America. An Emperor's Hammer Pilot, Nero Fel(1984-2001), has died. The Emperor's Hammer mourns her loss.
2. If you know anyone who died during the afore mentioned attacks, notify the Reconnaissance Officer, Admiral Keiran Idanian, at KeiranIdanian@aol.com
3. Our very own Lieutenant Strahl has created an American Flag armband for uniforms, available from www.tiecorps.org
4. Passwords? We don't need no stinkin' passwords! That's right, folks, no one needs your password. Don't tell anyone what it is... or you get an automatic two week suspension.
5. You smell like a monkey, and you look like one, too! The Bee Gee COM is now one year... younger. Congratulations, Vice Admiral! :)
WHO CARES?
According to a local store clerk for the Quick Stop, Dante: "What're you thinking, selling kids dynamite?!" To this, local hooligan Jay says: "Look, this is a quarter stick of TNT. That means four of these bad boys is like... two full ones!" ~~~Clerks cartoon show
WING NEWS:
1. FCHG? That some civil rights movement? No, it isn't. Rear Admiral Lohr Zadash, along with Major Shae Kitane, who used to inhabit Hammer, have placed second in the Fleet Commander's Honour Guard competition! Congratulations!
2. Exercise Cantina Run for your lives! Submissions due to your Commanders by the 20th, reports from Commanders due to me and Lohr immediately thereafter.
Guidelines:
a. Must be about ImpStorm(stars/planets need only apply, check out Impstorm website: http://www.btinternet.com/~spellfire/impstorm.html)
b. Must be between 500 and 1500 words.
3. I am proud to welcome our new arrival, Sub Lieutenant Riv Shiel, who has joined Shield Squadron! Welcome aboard. Guys... this time, keep the animals LOCKED UP!
4. Commander Argyle Ironfist is the new Relentless Ace Pilot! Congratulations, you now get access to the land of the funny smelling rocks!
Medals:
I'm proud to see so many medals this week!
Commander Steve Sunrider was awarded: Legion of Combat(LoC) for an ASF Competition win
Lieutenant Commander Dupuy was awarded: Imperial Security Medal(ISM) for August 2001 activity
Commander Tiger was awarded: Palpatine Crescent(PC) for long service as Commander of Hammer Squadron
Lieutenant Tycho was awarded: Imperial Security Medal(ISM) for August 2001 activity
Major Krax Tarnisar was awarded: Palpatine Crescent(PC) for perpetuating the IHS
Commander Argyle Ironfist was awarded: Palpatine Crescent(PC) for August 2001 activity
Commander Trow was awarded: Palpatine Crescent(PC) for August 2001 activity
IWATS Graduates:
Several this week join the ranks of those touched by Astatine.
Colonel Scoser has graduated from: AoL Instant Messanger Course(AIM)
Lieutenant Commander Mosh has graduated from: Computer Basics Course(CBX)
Lieutenant Neko has graduated from: Squadron Management II(SM/2)
Battle Submission Form Statistics:
I'm glad to see a nice number this week, also, that every squadron has submitted at least one. Kudos go to Hammer and Spear!
Total: 17
Squadron Statistics:
Hammer: 7(41.2%)
Spear: 7(41.2%)
Shield: 2(11.8%)
Sword: 1(5.8%)
Pilot Statistics:
1. Argyle Ironfist: 6(35.4%)
2. Dupuy: 3(17.6%)
3. Tycho Ackbar: 2(11.7%)
4. Neko: 2(11.7%)
5. Jodo Kast: 1(5.9%)
6. Adam Lagoda: 1(5.9%)
7. Mosh: 1(5.9%)
8. Scoser: 1(5.9%)
(Alphabetical by last name where a tie has occurred)
PROMOTIONS:
Ah, the time you've all been waiting for...
Cadet Riv Shiel fr/ M/PLT Daedalus to Shield 3-3
Cadet Riv Shiel to Sub Lieutenant, W. E. F.
*W. E. F. stands for With Effect From
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
1. "How cum I get all the sucky jobs?"---Lohr Zadash
"Cuz I'm the cute one."---Dan Malaktos
2. "In light of the preceding trial, we judge in favor of... BIG AMERICAN PARTY! DANCING! HAVE FUN! WHO HAVING FUN?! I HAVE FUN!"... "QUICK! GET IN CAR! WHO DRIVING? BEAR DRIVING! HOW CAN THAT BE?!"... "YOU WANT TRUTH YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH SHOW ME THE MONEY!"::As Tom Cruise kicks a giant mouse::---New ending to fifth episode of the Clerks Cartoon show, edited by the Korean animators.
MORALE OFFICE:
This week, I have decided to bless you with my bit of fiction for the Exercise Cantina Run. It is entitled:
HOW PORKY THE PURPLE PUPPY DOG SAVED IMPSTORM!
There once was a dog and his name was Porky. Porky was purple. Porky was a purple puppy dog. It wasn't cute or anything, I mean, come on, if you saw a purple puppy dog, wouldn't you go use the waste depository? I know I would. So anyway, Porky the Purple Puppy Dog was the resident freak of nature on board the ISD Relentless. People made fun of him. Why not? It was a fricking PURPLE DOG! Then, one day, out of no where, a blue spotted dog showed up…
"Mwoof?" said the blue dog.
"Oh, there you are, Eulb! Oh, hi, purple dog! Are you Majenta?" said the one known as Evets.
This irritated Porky, and so it took out a T-21 Repeating Blaster rifle and blew Eulb and Evets to bits. Well, this is another story, kiddies.
So, one day, Porky was minding his own business, when a bunch of pilots started running past him! It grabbed hold of someone's leg, and ended up in the hangar bay! Whatever was it to do? The pilot jumped into a TIE Defender and took off.
And so, our loveable hero is airborne... err... spaceborne?
After a while, the pilot opened a comm. channel. "This is Major Malaktos, the enemy fighters are in sight. We are preparing to open--- HOLY CRAP! THERE'S A FREAK OF NATURE ON MY FIGHTER! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!"
All of this shouting scared Porky, oh how it did scare that purple freak! Porky retracted its seven inch claws(all purple puppy dogs have them) and knocked Malaktos unconscious! OH NO! Whatever shall he do?
Porky tried to get out! It tried everything! Firing the lasers, launching missiles, moving the throttle and stick around... nothing. Then, after three hours, a voice came on the comm. channel, "Major, holy crap, you took down seventy fighters! We've won! We can now use sector 6-b as a staging point! Excellent job!"
"Mwoof?!" replied the confused furball.
"Hello? Major? Oh no, is that purple ball of crap on your ship? We'll send a recovery tug right away, sir!" answered the comm. channel.
Porky disregarded the strange talking box, and turned it attention back to what mattered: getting those good smelling bars out of their shells, which it found in the pilot's suit. After a half hour, success! And Porky never tasted anything so good! On the ship, they forced him to eat donkey fur, but this tasted like reconstituted rotten eggs! Delicious, indeed!
Then, out of no where, there was a rattling, and the hatch opened! A man stepped into the fighter!
"Holy crap, he's unconscious! You! What'd you do to Major Malaktos?" demanded the man.
"MWOOF(Which has been translated to: FEEL MY CLAWS OF DEATH, FIEND!)!!!!!" At that, Porky killed the man and jumped into the Space Tug!
After seventy three years, Porky learned how to pilot the Tug and TIE Defender(he used the two pilots as food). He terrorized convoys and freighter service depots in search of revenge!
And thus began Porky the Purple Puppy Dog's campaign to bring the entire galaxy under his dominion, so he could paint all the ships aqua-marine. The end.
Or is it?! There's more! Is Porky a boy or a girl? Who were Porky's parents?! NO ONE KNOWS! NO ONE CARES!
Colonel D. S. "Instigator" Malaktos
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WC/COL Dan "Instigator" Malaktos/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
VPS/CG Dan Malaktos/DREAD Aquitaine/CD
BSx2/PCx2/ISMx6/MoI/MoT-1rh-4gh/LoC-CSx8/CoS/CoL/LoA/OV-4E
[GALL] {IWATS-CORE-AIM-GFX-IIC/1/2-M/1/2-RT-SM/2-TM-XTT}
[YT-2000 Hand of the Apocalypse]
{PIN 4197}
"Join the Relentless! It makes your hometown better!"