From the desk of Colonel Dan Seth "Instigator" Malaktos:
We've seen quite a strain of events. I'd like to announce that due to the current stance of the world, I will be including a new section, entitled "World News." I hope you will enjoy this report.
WORLD NEWS:
1. Pakistan joins the Anti-Terrorist Coalition head by U. S. President Bush: After political pressure being applied to Pakistan's President, General Musharaf, Pakistan has granted the United States to use its soil as a staging point for attacks on Afghanistan.
2. British Prime Minister Tony Blair becomes a key supporter of the U. S.: U. S. President Bush acknowledged Tony Blair and England as the truest friend the United States could have after all of the support granted. Tony Blair informed General Musharaf that he had chosen the right side in the fight, and that the coalition is not anti-Afghanistan, but anti-terrorism.
3. Riots disturb Pakistan: Throughout Pakistan, extremist Muslim factions have been speaking out against General Musharaf's response to the American ultimatum.
4. Anti-Terrorist Coalition boxes in Afghanistan: Countries surrounding Afghanistan close off their borders in an act of good will to the Bush-led Coalition, and some countries allow the Coalition to use its soil as footholds.
5. Uzbekistan allows limited military activities: Uzbekistan has granted the U. S. usage of its airspace for military aircraft, and one airfield will be granted for humanitarian operations. The country refuses to allow special operatives to be launched from Uzbek soil.
6. Reconnaissance aircraft scouring Afghanistan: Several unmanned drones have been launched, and have been constantly scouring Afghanistan for signs of Osama Bin Laden.
7. Military action against anti-air sites: Anti-Terrorist troops have taken down anti-air assets in Afghanistan, to allow military planes to carry out their goals. The campaign will be carried out predominantly by aircraft.
8. British troop movements: British troops training in Oman have been relocated in Central Asia. Britain is seen as a powerful ally in this campaign.
9. Threats against U. S.: Osama Bin Laden released a tape to the United States threatening more violence against the U. S. if the attacks against Afghanistan did not cease.
FLEET NEWS:
1. COO Retires: Admiral Wet Willy, infamous for waking many-a-tired officer during briefings, has retired. The Fleet Commander searches for a new officer to fight with the War Officer of the TIE Corps, as well as the Training Officer.
2. Hail to the Chief: Following Admiral Quake's resignation from the Emperor's Hammer, the new President of the Corporate Division has been appointed. Vice Admiral Angel, who no one has ever heard of is now the new President!
3. I'll take 'Chancellors less famous than Vallorum' for $500, Alan: The answer is... This is the new Chancellor of the Imperial Senate. Who is Chanlin Marr? You are correct!
4. Next topic... 'Things Dan has done that have brought about inconveniences for the rest of the fleet': First, I resigned from Lord Ambassador, giving heed to a new bylaw saying that all Command Staff Officers must retain their position for a minimum of six months, or be demoted to the rank they held prior to promotion. Now, following my campaign as Vice President of Security of the Corporate Division and my creation of the Corporate Security Force, the Security Officer has deemed it necessary that all Security operatives are to report weekly to the Security Officer, and are under the Security Officer's jurisdiction. But the CSF LIVES ON! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA! Err... I mean... Whoops. Sorry. My bad.
5. It's over?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'IT'S OVER?!': Ah, yes, after years of hearing 'IWATS 10K! IWATS 10K!' from Training Officer Astatine... It's over. We're in the negatives, baby! We need -54 graduates! Take an IWATS Course!
6. New Commode of the Intrepid: This position goes to Rear Admiral Brakka... Who is now a commode... er... commodore.
WING NEWS:
1. Another one bites the dust: Commander Lagoda resigned. DAMN IT! I'm requiring all Commanders to sleep with the muzzles of their blasters... in their mouths. Next one that resigns will have to accidentally blow their head off.
2. The Cantina Run that keeps running... and running: If you're reading this, and I don't have your mission, you will be castrated. End of story. S'alright? S'alright.
NOTEABLE QUOTABLES:
Sector Admiral Havok: Get married didya? :P
Colonel Dan Malaktos: Yes, to my crotch :P
Havok: That'll make U go blind ya know
Malaktos: What can I say? I got curious.
Havok: Ya have to get a partner to get into chapter two of the sex positions book ya know.....
Malaktos: There's a chapter two?! Tell me more, Uncle Havok!
Havok: OK, stay away from knotted trees....splinters are a bitch to get out
Colonel Ford: Translation: Dan, don't hump trees. :P
Malaktos: Frod: Whoops.... too late
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Rear Admiral Lohr Zadash: [Is]That a compliment?
Commander Steve Sunrider: A compliment from Dan... Wow
Colonel Dan Malaktos: I didn't compliment anyone, you assbag.
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"You can speak your mind, but not on my time."~~~ Excerpt from "It's my Life," by Billy Joel
Colonel Dan Malaktos: Wow, that's my new motto.
Position Changes:
Maj. Shae Kitane fr/ Praetorian Squadron to Hammer 2-3
Lt. Kitth'raw'namec fr/ Spear 3-4 to Reserves
Lt. Cdm. Olenar Ki-Aton fr/ Reserves to Spear 2-3
Ct. Feagorn fr/ Daedalus to Shield 3-2
Ct. Jade Falcon fr/ Daedalus to Sword 2-2
Ct. Feagorn to Sub. Lt. W. E. F.
Ct. Jade Falcon to Sub. Lt. W. E. F.
Medals:
Medal of Instruction awarded to Cmd. Adam Lagoda for the recruitment of Sub. Lt. Feagorn
MALAKTOS MANIA:
This is the segment of the Report where I attempt to be like my favorite comedian... Lewis Black.
I'm sure you've all noticed the change in the report. I've decided that you can all get your humour in the right places, and that I don't have to write a fecking play for you people.
I've just experienced for the first time what my friends like to call "having a Cool Bean." They call it this because at one point, my friend, Rickie, who happens to be a girl, but is not my girlfriend, was disgusted with the two hours we spent at a hangout/Coffee shop. The name of this hangout/Coffee shop is "Cool Beans." At this, I realized possessive verbs eluded her. "Cool Beans" is a store. You can't have it. You just CAN'T! When I explained to her that she actually said "This was a waste of a Cool Bean," she realized her mistake. At this, some guy I didn't know who introduced himself as Allowicious(his name was Mike), decided that this would be an actual term. I was still edgy after all the Coffee, so I decided not to take all of the idiots on in an argument.
So, anyway, when I had first arrived to go "Cool Beaning," I noticed there were many many people. Of course, I knew almost NONE of them. Alright, fine. I decide instead of following my friend, Rickie, around who apparently believes you can never know enough people, to get some Coffee. I needed a fix. I walk into the shop(she was socialising in what seemed like 12 degree farenheit weather, OUTSIDE. WITH PEOPLE SHE DIDN'T KNOW!) to get a cup of Coffee. When you are talking about Coffee, it gets a capital "C," because Coffee is wonderful. It simply is. I get on line, which is pretty short. I thought to myself: Yeehaw(yes, yeehaw...), It'll take me about three seconds to do this. "Grande Coffee." Yes! My turn! "Sorry, sir, it'll take a couple minutes, we have to make a new pot of coffee." No, she didn't say it with a capital "C" because she did not DESERVE to handle the black gold. Make a NEW POT OF COFFEE?! In a COFFEE shop?! Do these people have NO COMMON SENSE?! The Coffee pots they use are smaller than the Coffee pots they give you in the International House of Pancakes, which is enough for thirty people. So, I pick an inviting spot by the counter, and wait. After what seemed like three eternities, they hand me my Coffee. I had already paid the outrageous price, so I grabbed my Coffee and proceded to gulp down what had eluded me for the past ten minutes. I should've been half done.
I then decided I didn't give a crap about any people I didn't already know, so I decided to find a seat. Crap, all the good seats were by where the hippies were reading poetry and singing "Kumbaya." I can take it, I thought. I was wrong. The Coffee kept me hanging on by a thread. At least the cup was huge. After another twenty minutes, I took another sip of Coffee, and to my dismay, found the bottomless pit to be empty. I was jittery and shaking, but I concluded this was after listening to the hippies sing about how much the World Bank was screwing everyone over, so I got another pitcher of Coffee.
After a while, my ride decided it was time to go. Whatever, I thought. On the way home, we talked about Kevin Smith movies. She hadn't seen any, and refused to see all five in one night. Good fecking thing I wasn't dating her.
At any rate, when I got home, I realized that the shaking WASN'T from the hippies. I did eighty pushups, listened to Billy Joel, and went to sleep. The moral of the story? Don't ever... ever... listen to hippies.
Colonel D. S. "Instigator" Malaktos
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