WING IX REPORT #27
From the Desk of General Ricaud ...

FLEET NEWS
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1. COLOSSUS COMMODORE
With the appointment of Rear Admiral Troutrooper to Command Attache to the Tactical Officer, barely a few weeks after attaining the
position of ISD Colossus Commodore and promising to work to restore the ship (quite a few people, Col and non-Col alike, are a bit
bitter about that still), Rear Admiral Mell was promoted to replace him in charge of the ol' Collie. Mell's a solid bloke, a great
pilot, and good officer, and I'm sure he'll be able to turn around the Colossus and whip her crew into shape ... he's already
approached us with the idea of a 2v2 wing competition with the Relentless and Colossus against the Challenge and Immortal ... might
be interesting!

2. IN THE NAVY
XO/SA Kawolski has announced in his fourth report that the EH Naval Corps is to be closed down once the new Emperor's Hammer
Database has been opened (which will combine the TC database with that of any other subgroups who wish to participate). The Command
Staff basically feels the NC has become little more than another XWA unit of the TIE Corps, that isn't really doing anything special
to distinguish itself. Accordingly, it is to be dissolved for the time being, and those officers who aren't clones will be
redistributed amongst the existing XWA wings of the TC. Of course, this has led to the initial outspoken critics of the NC at the
time of its inception, such as myself, feeling incredibly smug. :P

3. WEEKLY NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK THAT'S COMPLETELY INCONSEQUENTIAL AND UNIMPORTANT BUT IT HELPS FILL UP A REPORT
In relation to item #2, SA Kawolski is asking people not to make requests for TC/NC profile merging yet. Cue a wall of silence.

4. INTERNET OFFICE
The EH Internet Office (IO/FA AbsoluteK and CA:IO/VA Ari) has opened an "Ask the IO" page at
http://io.emperorshammer.ca/asktheio.php where you can put forward any questions or queries you have about topics related to the
Emperor's Hammer, the Internet, or any other such issues (though they may also answer other off-topic questions on occasion if they
are humourous enough to warrant a response). These may also be asked anonymously. Additionally, you can now suggest a poll to go
up on the IO web site (www.ehnet.org) at http://io.emperorshammer.ca/suggestapoll.php.

5. TOKEN TACTICAL OFFICE NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM
They're looking for some XWA TCCs ... whatever those are.

WING NEWS
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1. WING IX DOES IT AGAIN (PROBABLY)
Phase II of Operation Cantina Run III has concluded, and guess what? That's right, we managed to get 100% participation again ... that is, barring two pilots who had apparently decided they would do everything they could to not get a submission in, and ruin the work that the rest of the wing has put in, even going so far as to evade questioning when confronted about it. Thankfully, these individuals are being removed by the Flight Officer, and rightfully so. However, it's an ample warning of just how much we will not tolerate slackers, or people purposefully going out of their way to damage the fabric of the team here on the ISD Relentless. We've come this far, no one (or two) person/people are going to ruin it for everybody else. Let's get ready for Phase III, it could still go to anybody.

2. CONQUEST
The EH Directorate is currently running an interesting on-line game by the name of "Conquest", in which anybody can sign up to play as Governor of a planet, and join a faction, or start their own as they control resources and military forces to expand and carve themselves out a star empire. Seeing as a few Wing IXers have started playing, an Official Wing IX Faction has been started up, by the name of the Ninth Dominion. If you wish to join and help the ISD Relentless conquer the galaxy, sign up for the game at http://conquest.directorate.org, then send an application for membership within the game to join the Ninth Dominion.

3. YAY BGCOM
After half a year of service as Battlegroup Commander of the TIE Corps Battlegroups, BGCOM/VA Jarak Maldon was this week promoted to the rank of full Admiral upon the personal order of FC/GA Ronin, and with the full backing of FO/AD Priyum Patel. It's always nice to see a former Wing IXer scale the greasy pole of the Admiralty, and gain yet more influence and power as part of the ISD Relentless Conspiracy to take over the Emperor's Hammer ... soon, we shall have officers strategically placed throughout the Fleet to initiate a coup d'etat and seize control! Bwahahaha! Victory shall be ours! Ahem. Congratulations Jarak. :-)

4. REMINDER
And now, a message from everybody's favourite auto-mailer ...

*The droid in the corner of the Stardrifter Lounge lights up as its power comes on, and begins speaking in a monotone, grated, voice*

"We would like to remind you of this upcoming event ..."

*Suddenly Lieutenant Owen leaps out of the darkness wielding a particularly vicious looking baseball bat*

"DIE DROID! DIE! AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!"

*There is a sound of crashing, twisted metal, and much screaming, until finally nothing more but a shattered hulk of garbage is left where the droid once stood*

Oh dear ... still, thankfully we have eight more droids in back up ...

5. DRINK OF THE WEEK
Straight from the bar of the Stardrifter Lounge, and personally tested and approved by General Ricaud, this week's serving suggestion ...

SEX ON MY FACE
Ingredients:
1/2 oz Yukon Jack
1/2 oz Malibu rum
1/2 oz Southern Comfort
1/2 oz Banana liqueur
splash Cranberry juice
splash Pineapple juice
splash Orange juice
Mixing instructions:
Mix in tall glass with ice.

THE WING IX MORALE OFFICE
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"Hello, I'm General Steve the Cricket Bat, Wing IX Morale Officer. Seeing as its met with lukewarm success (which is quite good for me), I will be continuing the Morale Office's agony aunt/uncle service for yet another week. If you're looking for a sympathetic friend, General Steve has the answers ..."

Dear Steve,
Please could you help me? I'm scared of my own belly button. I feel ill about it and keep thinking I could never have children because their cords would be all wrong too. My navel is filthy but I can't touch it to clean it. Please help.
A Depressed Pilot

Steve replies ...
Totally f****d up.

Dear Steve,
My rabbit Wiggles has got a runny eye. He is eight months old and lives with two guinea pigs. What should I do?
Major Lohr Zadash, Hammer Squadron

Steve replies ...
Now I'm not an expert, in fact I don't like animals, they scare me. But it sounds as if Wiggles is very ill and is going to die. I hope you don't get it.

Dear Steve,
When I was younger, life was perfect. My parents loved me, I was pretty and I had friends. Now I'm sixteen everything seems to have gone downhill. I'm spotty. My hair is lank and greasy. I'm taller than the boys and they make fun of me. What am I to do?
A New Sublieutenant

Steve replies ...
Don't get too worked up with adolescent angst, because no matter how bad you think things are now it just gets worse and worse. Oh and once you get to thirty then it really goes fast. I just look in the mirror now and an old man looks back at me and I don't know who he is. Just have fun because you've no idea ...

If you would like to contact Steve about any problems you might be experiencing, write to him here, at the Wing IX Morale Office, just behind the boiler on Deck 64. The sender of the most distressing letter wins a book token.

POSTINGS & PROMOTIONS
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TRN/CT Mosh from PLT Daedalus to Shield Squadron 2-2 W.E.F. 12.03.01
FM/LT Owen from Spear Squadron 3-2 to Spear Squadron 2-2 W.E.F. 12.03.01
SL Mosh promoted to Lieutenant W.E.F. 15.03.01

AWARDS
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FL/CPT Shae Kitane - Imperial Security Medal - from CMDR/MAJ Lohr Zadash for excellent activity through February
FL/CM Darkfire - Imperial Security Medal - from CMDR/CM Krax Tarnisar for outstanding work as a Flight Leader

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
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"Goddamn, that's more pathetic than me."
- Fleet Admiral Manesh, delivering the ultimate insult to FraggleHawk

In the Service of the Empire,

General Val Ricaud
WC/GN Ricaud/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
IC/GSx2/SS/BSx5/PCx5/ISMx8/MoT-1gh/LoC-PSx69/DFCx2/MoC/LoA/CoL/OV-3E [CAVL] {IWATS-M/1-SM/1}