WING IX REPORT #32
From the Desk of Colonel Ricaud ...

FLEET NEWS
----------------------
1. NEW, ERM, NEWSLETTER
Yet another issue of the "new-style" newsletter of the Fleet, Dark Sentinel, is now available thanks to all the hard efforts of the Executive Office (XO/SA Kawolski and CA:XO/AD Quake). Thankfully it's also a little smaller than previous issues, but no less jam-packed with great "stuff", such as fiction, features, games info, reports, etc. Everything you need to know about the past month of Emperor's Hammer life packed into one download weighing in at just 6.16 MB (and after having downloaded a 85 MB game the other day, 6 MB is nothing to me now :P).

2. CALLISTA AWARDED MOH
Colonel Callista, former Squadron Commander of Typhoon Squadron (for a very long time), and unofficial EH PR-type person, has been awarded the highest honour in the Fleet, the Medal of Honour (aptly titled, eh?) for all of her work advertising the Fleet and increasing its publicity, particularly in Germany (and more Germans in the EH can only be a good thing, with such luminaries as ... erh ... FMO/AD Mike, and Avenger Squadron Commander What's-his-face). This comes in the wake of the excellent EH presence at the Jedi Con 2001 convention in Germany the other week. Congrats!

3. WEEKLY NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK THAT'S COMPLETELY INCONSEQUENTIAL AND UNIMPORTANT BUT IT HELPS FILL UP A REPORT
Wahey, SilentOne! Sexy b0t!

4. IN VOGUE
With the two main EH/TC magazines of the past, EH Cosmopolitan and Battlecry, having recently been closed down, the editors of these two rags have now banded together to create a new magazine, Imperial Vogue. COL Mairin and CPT Werdna Elbee are now looking for articles, e-mails, funny IRC logs (or incriminating IRC logs, either works to the same end), or anything else anybody is interested in submitting to get their names up in lights. Fire your old tat off to vogue@isdchallenge.org.

5. TOKEN COMMAND STAFF NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM
Ramos gets promoted to Admiral. Paaaaaaarp, there goes the Command Staff.

WING NEWS
--------------------
1. AWARDS
Seems like an aeon since the last round of Ship Awards were given out, doesn't it? The titles of Relentless Squadron of the Month, Commander of the Month, and Pilot of the Month are given out to the best in each category from the ship, and are also considered the "nominees" from Wing IX for the respective Battlegroup Awards. Squadron of the Month, it should be noted, is also "in addition to" the Wing Commander's Own award, which is given out purely for piloting, and WILL, I promise, be restarted early next month following the hiatus for Operation Cantina Run III. So, the winners for April 2001:

PILOT OF THE MONTH - FM/COL Phoenix/Dagger - Quite simply spectacular, Phoenix has been flying battles left, right, and centre, postiviely flooding his Squadron Commander with BSFs, and Leonid hasn't complained about it, either. He's done more than his fair share of upping Wing IX's total BSFs for this month, and has already received a well-earned medal for his efforts. Congratulations!

COMMANDER OF THE MONTH - CMDR/CM Leonid DeBastide/Dagger - Leonid has done a highly capable job of filling the sizeable shoes of the outgoing CMDR, MAJ Dan Malaktos, who did a fair job of stamping on his own individual mark on Dagger Squadron, and Commander DeBastide has furthered the bedrock of activity and loyalty that Malaktos established, leading the squadron to an excellent victory over Omicron Squadron. Well done!

SQUADRON OF THE MONTH - Dagger Squadron - Ack, I know, favouritism ... but simply put, Dagger have outshone everybody else this month, they've really blossomed, and I've been nothing but impressed by their efforts. Coming out of solid work for our final victory in Operation Cantina Run III under a new Squadron Commander, their activity has been steadily increasing, and they managed to tease out of themselves some fantastic scores to absolutely smash Omicron Squadron in the recent competition which ended this week. They also witnessed a steady rise in numbers to become the largest squadron on the ship, although this is now equalled by Sword Squadron. You earned it, Dagger!

2. CHALLENGE COMMODORE
Alright, so it ain't Relentless news, but it's in our Battlegroup, and the ISD Challenge has always had a long tradition and reputation as the "sister-ship" of the Rel ever since our days together in the old Battlegroup II (ah, fond memories ... though I was on the Chal at that time ... and I'm sure I've told the story about my helping to beat Sword Squadron in the final of the Challenge Cup several times in the Stardrifter Lounge, quite regretfully). Anyway, what was I rambling about? Ah, that's right, the ISD Challenge has a new Commodore after long-serving COM/VA Corran Force retired to Tornado Squadron after sixteen months in the position. He has been replaced by WC/COL Manitsas, who then appointed HIS predecessor as Wing Commander, GN Darklord, to the post again. Phew. Good luck, guys. :-)

3. IMPSTORM II
It appears Operation Imperial Storm II will soon be starting up. For those of you not veteran enough to remember, Operation Imperial Storm was a TIE Corps-wide exercise under FO/FA Kessler a while back, conducted as a wargame using the Project Faithful system of tactical XWA skirmishes. And it was quite fun, too. ImpStorm II will build upon the lessons learned in the original exercise to improve it and make it even better second time around ... ! Our very own BGCOM/AD Jarak Maldon will be one of the Task Force Admirals, as he was last time (and the winning TFA, with a genius strategy worthy of Thrawn, I must say), which bodes well for ImpStorm II success. Sounds exciting, keep posted for details!

4. NEW HAMMER COMMANDER
Another congratulations, this time to the new Squadron Commander of Hammer Squadron, newly-promoted CMDR/CM Tiger, who has replaced former incumbent Major Lohr Zadash. Zadash, who retired earlier this week after many months of distinguished service leading the squadron, had been suffering from a lack of time, and gave his fullest recommendation to Tiger as his replacement. After studying the Flight Leader's application and ideas for myself, I was in no doubt of his abilities, and so he joins the ranks of what is shaping up to be a new-look Wing IX command team. Welcome to it! :-)

5. DRINK OF THE WEEK
Straight from the bar of the Stardrifter Lounge, and personally tested and approved by Colonel Ricaud, this week's serving suggestion ...

AFGANISTANY WHORE
Ingredients:
4 oz Rum
1 can Root beer
4 oz Vodka
Mixing instructions:
Just pour to taste and enjoy.

THE WING IX MORALE OFFICE
-----------------------------------------------
A Rant from the Desk of Colonel Steve the Cricket Bat ...

Okay, no beating around the bush this week. I'm going to talk about rule. And that's that. Let's look at some "big" rules first - the Ten Commandments seem like a good place to start. How about this one: "Thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's ox." Hmmmm. Well, my neighbour hasn't got an ox, as it happens. Obvious joke. I know - and besides, a Christian will scream at this point: "Don't be stupid, ox means fridge, ox means wallpaper, ox means car!" And so it may, so it may. But seeing as how I've never spoken to my neighbours, well ... sod knows what their fridge is like. Or their wallpaper. And the only reason to cover their car - an S-reg Datsun Sunny - is that, er, well, there isn't a reason. But I digress. Back to one more commandment, though: "Thou shalt not kill." Good in theory, but when you actually think about it, what about George W. Bush? David Copperfield? Michael Portillo? Enya? Naomi Campbell?

Rules, rules, rules.

And take a game I recent bought on budget from the cheap-games-rack at the local Woolworths stroe. I was after a simple poker sim so that I could get some practice in for a forthcoming mega-session against some serious gambling chums (we all agree that the rules for poker are okay, by the way). However, the only computer card game I could find was Cribbage. You've probably heard of it - but do you know what the rules are? I do, or at least I do now, and frankly I'm toally apalled at their stupidity. I couldn't even possibly begin to explain them, but I can tell you this much: the damn things were invented by some tosspot English "nobleman" in the 17th century. He was obviously so rich and influential that people took note. They grovelled and accepted, blinkers firmly in place, that his idea was a good one. And you know how it is with these things, eh? As long as the first bunch of people follow along, so will everyone else. It just kind of spreads out, through the generations, a bit like a slow motion atomic "obedience" explosion.

Therefore Cribbage is still played. Rules. God exists, is white, and has a beard. Rules. Road tax, rather than petrol tax. Rules. Rules, bloody rules, bloody rules.

I think it's time to make up some rules myself. Here goes ...

Rule One: Hens should be reclassified as vegetables, meaning everybody can be a vegetarian.
Rule Two: All beat 'em up games should contain at least one character who is able to talk things through logically and amicably with his opponent.
Rule Three: The fire brigade should be made to merge with the ambulance service: fire engines would tow special "hospital" caravans.
Rule Four: The Triathlon (truly ridiculous rules: running, swimming, then cycling) should be taken further, culminating in the Octathalon, a sport like everyone could play. All the participants of an Octathalon (ie the entire population of the country) would have to (1) wake up in the morning, (2) telephone their workplace in a strained voice, outlining a fictional malaise, (3) go back to sleep again until ten-thirtyish, (4) watch loads of TV, (5) go to the pub for a few hours, (6) go to an Indian restaurant and enjoy a delicious slap-up vegetarian meal such as chicken korma with nan bread and seven lagers, (7) return home virtually unconscious, and (8) actually become unconscious.
Rule Five: People over the age of 50 should be legally obliged to fill in a Driving Licence Extension form every three years. Questions asked would be as follows:" Do you wear a hat?" and "Do you stop at amber traffic lights?". That sort of stuff.
Rule Six: Pedestrians, like drivers, should be licenced. The test, taken every five years, would have to include an extensive "street crossing" section. It would be like the Green Cross Code, but with the added commands of "run if necessary" and "the centre of the road is a safe area, so use it". No more need for pelican crossings. Naturally the disabled and the elderly would be exempt from all this, having their very own special crossing points at five mile intervals.
Rule Seven: Every dodgy computer game should carry a warning similar to the health ones you find on cigarette packs. Something like "Warning: Of Dubious Quality" should do it.
Rune Eight: Erm, I've run out of ideas ...

Rules aren't easy, you know.

POSTINGS & PROMOTIONS
-------------------------------------------
FM/LCM CajunBoy from Spear Squadron 3-3 to Reserves W.E.F. 17.04.01
FL/LCM Tiger from Hammer Squadron 2-1 to Command Hammer Squadron W.E.F. 22.04.01
LCM Tiger to Commander (Authority) W.E.F. 22.04.01
COL Boromir from Inactive to Hammer Squadron 2-3 W.E.F. 22.04.01
FM/CPT Darkstar from Hammer Squadron 2-2 to Hammer Squadron 2-1 W.E.F. 23.04.01
FM/COL Boromir from Hammer Squadron 2-3 to Hammer Squadron 2-2 W.E.F. 23.04.01
FM/COL Miackus from Spear Squadron 3-2 to Reserves W.E.F. 23.04.01
RSV/LT Matt Rust from Reserves to Dagger Squadron 2-3 W.E.F. 23.04.01
TRN/CT Tad Oiram from PLT Daedalus to Sword Squadron 3-2 W.E.F. 23.04.01

AWARDS
---------------
FM/COL Phoenix - Imperial Security Medal - from CMDR/CM Leonid DeBastide for conspicuous gallantry
FL/LCM Trow - Imperial Security Medal - from CMDR/MAJ Ted for excellent activity through April
FM/COL Doyon - Imperial Security Medal - from CMDR/MAJ Ted for excellent activity through April
FL/CM Manticore - Iron Star (Bronze Wings) - from CMDR/CM Leonid DeBastide for high score in competition

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
------------------------------------"
"I am gay, and I've never told anyone."
- Vice Admiral Fondor accidentally outs himself

In the Service of the Empire.

Colonel V. G. Ricaud
Officer Commanding Wing IX
WC/COL Ricaud/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
IC/GSx2/SS/BSx5/ISMx8/MoT-1gh/LoC-PSx69/DFCx2/MoC-6BoC-1SoC-1GoC/CoLx2/LoAx5/OV-3E [CAVL] {IWATS-M/1-SM/1}