WING IX REPORT #28
From the Desk of General Ricaud ...

FLEET NEWS
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1. DESIGN THE EH LOGO
FC/GA Ronin is running a competition to design a new and original logo for the Emperor's Hammer Strike Fleet. This logo will be used, amongst other things, on the "EH Gear" that can be bought in the form of t-shirts, baseball caps, mugs, etc. There are a few requirements for entires: they MUST be original and not based around existing Star Wars imagery, they must be 600x600 dpi resolution in a GIF or JPEG file, and they must have the basic design that has been posted on http://www.emperorshammer.org/news.htm. Submissions must go to garonin@aol.com. The winner will be awarded a Grand Order of the Emperor!

2. CONGRATULATIONS TO ...
A round of promotees/awardees across the Fleet this week: CA:XO/AD Slade J. Holm was appointed to the post of Chief Gamemaster of the EH and Subgroup Commander of The Fringe, and as such placed in charge of roleplaying game operations within the Emperor's Hammer, which up until this point have been rather threadbare. Also recognised was GMF/AD Karva with a promotion to Fleet Admiral, and his Deputy Grand Moff in the Directorate, JediJawa, who was awarded a Grand Order of the Emperor, both respectively for their efforts in reforming the EH Directorate. Congratulations to all!

3. WEEKLY NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK THAT'S COMPLETELY INCONSEQUENTIAL AND UNIMPORTANT BUT IT HELPS FILL UP A REPORT
IWATS has passed 7000 graduates. Um, wahey!

4. PARK WARS
A bunch of hardworking fans with frankly too much time on their hands have banded together to make the epic that is Park Wars: The Little Menace, a parody of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace using South Park characters. It's actually supposed to be quite good, although a bit of a sizeable download at 30MB for the high-quality version, and 15MB for the low-quality one. Check it out at http://www.parkwars.com.

5. TOKEN IMPERIAL HISTORICAL SOCIETY NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM
Uh, the Imperial Historical Society was set up.

WING NEWS
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1. OPERATION CANTINA RUN
It's the final leg! The end game! The showdown! After a month of competition, Operation Cantina Run III will draw to a close within the next few days as we approach the end of Phase III. The aim is simple: to fly FREE-TIE #100, submit it to your Squadron Commander, and then for CMDRs to submit their reports to me no later than Tuesday/Wednesday. Despite our success in the first two rounds, we cannot afford to become laid-back ... it's still possible for the Immortal to overtake us if they do well enough. Try to get a good score, but if you can't get a good score, just get any score. As always, participation is the key, and it's one of our strongest advantages. Good luck, people.

2. AND THE LAST BIT OF OCR ...
While also working hard away on flying FREE-TIE #100, take some time out to bask in the warm afterglow of Phase II. Despite not placing within the top three for quality, our 100% participation gave us a narrow lead over the ISD Immortal in the round, which managed to gain a lot of ground with 78% participation and first and second places in the top three, placing them within striking distance for the final round if they manage to pull their weight. While overall we still have a comfortable lead, it is realistically possible for us to lose if we slip up, so it's absolutely vital that as many people fly as possible!

3. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
This week heralded awful news for the welfare of the crew of the ISD Relentless as a new Ship's Doctor was appointed in the form of Major Dan "Malpractice" Malaktos, who had formerly served in the position before its dissolution on the ship. Major Malaktos had been originally suspended from the Fleet Medical Corps pending a tribunal on charges of Falsifying Medical Records, Incompetence, and Actual Bodily Harm, all through his work as Ship's Doctor. His tenure saw three deaths due to ingrowing toenails, and witnesses reported him prescribing dog shampoo to an officer with stomach problems, and kicking another man in the balls "just for a laugh". Major Malaktos is reported to be pleased to be back at work as Ship's Doctor.

4. COM PROBLEMS
COM/VA Andronicus has reported in to the ship as suffering some technical difficulties with his computer, with a suspected Buggered Power Supply (yes, that's the technical term that the professionals use). As a result, he obviously won't be able to use his machine until further notice, which means only occasional contact via other internet connections to use e-mail every now and then, until such time as the problem is fixed. Come back soon, Andy ... before the crew find your hidden alcohol stash!

5. DRINK OF THE WEEK
Straight from the bar of the Stardrifter Lounge, and personally tested and approved by General Ricaud, this week's serving suggestion ...

SLIPPERY NIPPLE
Ingredients:
0.5 oz Bailey's Irish cream
0.5 oz Butterscotch schnapps
Mixing Instructions:
Serve as is. Short, sweet, and to the point ...hence the name.

THE WING IX MORALE OFFICE
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A Rant From the Desk of General Steve the Cricket Bat ...

I don't know about you, but something that pisses me off quite a bit is the fact that the Greenhouse Effect is taking so long to work. Ten years ago scientists were saying, "By the year 2000 Britain will be experiencing Mediterranean winters." Oh yeah? So how come it's 2001 and it's still bloody freezing outside. Lying b******s! And it's not as if I haven't done my bit towards global warming, either, so you can't blame me. I've been buying and dumping second hand fridges for ages now. I must have "redistributed" a hundred of the things over the last three years, and I always make sure that the CFC stuff leaks out. I leave all my lights on in my flat 24 hours a day, seven days a week - and they're all 150 watters. I also leave every item of electrical apparatus switched on: meaning the neighbours get a continuous drone of hoover, fan heaters, food mixers, etc. right around the clock. Even with all this, I found I was still left with an unused socket in my bedroom, so I got hold of a lot of gigantic industrial capacitors which I filled (and continue to fill) one at a time. I then bury them in a nearby park. I don't know how long they hold their charge, but if you want some ludicrously cheap electricity I'll sell you the burial-site map co-ordinates for 30 quid.

Nevertheless, regardless of all my activities (and they've cost me heaps), it's still bloody cold outside. The Greenhouse Effect isn't doing nearly enough; the scientists' promise of a Mediterranean paradise hasn't been delivered and our entire country is a steaming pile of cack. There is one option open, though.

Relocate the UK - or most of it. Yes, it sounds like quite an undertaking, to kind of "move" a whole country. But I don't reckon it'll be as hard as you imagine. All that's needed is determination, manpower, consolidation, and ultimately, expertise. To get the ball rollin, here are my thoughts on what should be done. If you spot a flaw then great, but let me know how it can be ironed out. This is an evolving project, after all.

1) With tunnelling equipment (a la the Channel Tunnel), we hollow out the underside of mainland Britain in some sort of honeycomb fashion.
2) We fill this newly hollowed out mainland with helium. It's more expensive than hydrogen, sure, but at least it's inert.
3) East Anglia is a problematic area: it's prone to flooding so it'll always be dead weight ... so we'll have to chop it off. We'll leave it where it is (maybe Holland would like to have it. They'd be welcome).
4) Now we need a sort of giant outboard motor at the top of Scotland, which will have to be powered by fission or fusion or anti-matter or something. Whatever. That can be delegated later.
5) I want to steer! I want to steer! A gigantic ship-style bridge thingybob will have to be built in Southampton. It'll be as high as New York's Trade Towers, but wider.
6) I've planned the route, which goes through the Bay of Biscay, heads down the west coast of France and Portugal, and culminates somewhere around Morocco (the UK - even minus East Anglia - is too big to get through the Strait of Gibraltar, so forget the Med).
7) Time to release the helium. Some flooding will ensue as the country settles to the seabed, but never forget we have Wales, Yorkshire and Scotland on-side. They finally have a use. Hoorah for the Taffs and the Jocks! Hoorah for altitude!
8) Then we all start hanging out in the sun, and everything is really, really groovy. Street markets. Siestas. Olive oil. Balconies. Old people with prune-like skin. And so on and so on. Bliss.
9) Time to send a fax to Northern Ireland: "You can stay up there or you can come and join us down here - but you've got to bring your own oil with you."
10) Er, and that's that. So what do you reckon? Vaguely feasible? Or am I p*****g into the wind?

Or maybe it'd just be easier to emigrate.

POSTINGS & PROMOTIONS
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FL/LT Bryan from Shield Squadron 2-1 to Reserves W.E.F. 19.03.01
FM/LT Neo Vengeance from Shield Squadron 3-3 to Reserves W.E.F. 19.03.01
FL/CM Darkfire from Spear Squadron 3-1 to Reserves W.E.F. 22.03.01
RSV/LT Bryan from Reserves to Shield Squadron 3-2 W.E.F. 22.03.01

AWARDS
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None

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
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"Hawkie, if it has breasts and a p***y, you'll flirt with it, dead or alive."
- Fleet Admiral Kumba's acute observation of Captain Fraggle Hawk's sexual preferences.

In the Service of the Empire,

General Val Ricaud
WC/GN Ricaud/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
IC/GSx2/SS/BSx5/PCx5/ISMx8/MoT-1gh/LoC-PSx69/DFCx2/MoC/LoA/CoL/OV-3E [CAVL] {IWATS-M/1-SM/1}