WING IX REPORT #30
From the Desk of Colonel Ricaud ...

FLEET NEWS
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1. WING III COMMANDER RETIRES
This last week saw the sad retirement of long-standing Wing III Commander, General Sasquatch. For his hard work on the behalf of Wing III, the SSSD Sovereign, and the TIE Corps as a whole over the past two years, "Sas" was awarded the Gold Star of the Empire. Announced as his replacement was Lieutenant Colonel Sequoh Marden. Congratulations!

2. AND MORE WING COMMANDER TYPE STUFF
Two of the leading Wing Commanders of the TIE Corps (and thus, most distinguished) were also awarded with rank promotions this week. Lieutenant Colonel Badlans, commander of Wing XI aboard the ISD Immortal (former holders of the Battlegroups Flagship title ... bwahaha, sorry, just had to mention that :P), was promoted to full Colonel. Meanwhile, Colonel Jeff Loruss of SSD Avenger Wing II was elevated to the rank of General. Oh, and I was demoted to Colonel. Wahey. Congrats to all! :-)

3. WEEKLY NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK THAT'S COMPLETELY INCONSEQUENTIAL AND UNIMPORTANT BUT IT HELPS FILL UP A REPORT
Bah ICQ Course at IWATS ... ICQ is big and scary. Run! Run I tell you! Run for the hills!

4. NEW CA:XO
This probably isn't actually of all that importance, but seeing as it concerns a former Wing IXer ... congratulations to Admiral Quake, who was promoted to the position of Command Attache to the Executive Officer this week. Which means ... well ... he's XO/SA Kawolski's workbitch. :P Still, I'm sure the job pays well, which should make up for the lack of respect any Command Attache gets anywhere in the Fleet. Actually, come to think of it, is there any good reason why anybody would want to be a CA? Hrm. Send answers, if you can think of one, on the back of a postcard to Colonel Ricaud.

5. TOKEN XWA PLAYER NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM
Pft, XWA league. Like we care. Do we? Actually ... nah.

WING NEWS
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1. THE RUMOURS OF MY DEATH ARE GREATLY EXAGERRATED
No, I shan't be resigning. No! Argh! Get off me! *scuffling sounds a couple of beefy men drag him away* Well, as nice as it would be to capitulate to the good Executive Officer's little vendetta against me, I think I'll be staying for the time being. That, and the fact that I get a sick sort of pleasure from continually inflicting my oppressive presence upon you all, beating down any signs of hope or excitement, ultimately grinding you all down into the ground in a fit of depression and hatred at the unfairness of the world. It's what Wing IX is all about. :P

2. PROMOTEES
As sent out to the wing earlier today, congratulations to the newest promotees in Wing IX: from Dagger Squadron, Lieutenant Commander Manticore and Lieutenant Aragorn to Commander and Lieutenant Commander respectively; and from Spear Squadron, newly-promoted Captain Krax Tarnisar and Lieutenant Commander Argyle Ironfist. All were well-deserved, so please take some time out to offer them your regards! Guess this means that there'll be a whole lot of free drinks going around at the Stardrifter Lounge this evening ... take advantage of it! Go! Now! *watches as everybody runs off to the bar*

3. CS POLL
fightingninth.org recently ran a "Favourite Command Staff Officer Poll", in which Fleet Admiral Howlader, everybody's beloved Operations Officer/God, came first, jointly with Fleet Admiral AbsoluteK. Congratulations to both! The final standings were as follows:

1. Howlader: 18.42%
2. AbsoluteK: 18.42%
3. Kawolski: 17.54%
4. Priyum: 14.91%
5. Astatine: 7.89%
6. Coolguy: 6.14%
7. Nightflyer: 5.26%
8. Ronin: 3.51%
9. StarLion: 3.51%
10. Kermee: 2.63%
11. Keiran: 1.75%
12. Ramos: 0.00%

4. IN CASE YOU WEREN'T AWARE ...
We are the Battlegroups Flagship! When I wrote last week's report, it was still "unconfirmed", but since then, as you should all very well know, we were proclaimed as the new Flagship of the TIE Corps Battlegroups. The week-long party in the Stardrifter Lounge should be winding down just about now, as the new party for the recently-promoted officers mentioned above kicks in. So you'll get ten minutes' rest to go to the toilet, then start drinking again. New shipments of booze have been brought in. I expect everybody to be severely hungover and regretful by tomorrow ... that's an order!

5. DRINK OF THE WEEK
Straight from the bar of the Stardrifter Lounge, and personally tested and approved by Colonel Ricaud, this week's serving suggestion ...

ACID COOKIE
Ingredients:
1/4 oz Rumpleminze
1/4 oz Bailey's Irish cream
1/4 oz Butterscotch schnapps
1/4 oz Bacardi 151 proof rum
1 splash cream
Mixing instructions:
Mix liguor together. Add cream. Shake well. Strain & serve.

THE WING IX MORALE OFFICE
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A Rant from the Desk of General Steve the Cricket Bat ...

Money scares me. Why? Because I haven't got any. If I was rolling in the stuff I'd no doubt love it to death, and would subsequently buy dedicated magazines, with titles like Money Monthly or Dosh Illustrated (they'd be very expensive magazines, you understand, so poor people couldn't afford them).

But like I say, I'm skint - as I was explaining last week to a bloke I call Captain Lottery, who works at the local gym I try to visit on a weekly basis. I was trying to get past him at the reception. I call him Captain Lottery, incidentally, because all he ever talks about are his lottery numbers ...
"I got two right on Saturday," he said, somewhat predictably. I knew he was about to tell me which ones they were, too: "One was a 12 and the other was a 16."
"Oh," I said.
"Yes," he continued, telling me his other four, and explaining how the overall "pattern" was right, but that it just happened to be in the wrong place.
"A stroke of bad luck," I said. I was slowly edging past him to the changing rooms.
"I'm getting nearer the big one every week, though!" he announced confidently. "You do the lottery yerself, do ya?"
"Not generally, no," I said. "I'm too skint most of the time."
"Skint? Skint?" yelped Captain Lottery, as if he'd stubbed a toe. "You can't be too skint to do the lottery, mate. That ain't no excuse! What are ya talkin' abart? You ain't gettin' away with that!"

Disaster. I now had to justify not doing the lottery to someone who believed in it as if it were a religion. It's worth mentioning that Captain Lottery, although a tragic saddo, is also about a 10 feet tall and built like a brick outhouse. In his eyes I was now a blaspheming little infidel.
"If you want money you gotta spend money," he snarled, angrily.
"But it's the odss," I said reasonably. "They're hard to grasp at a gut level, I know, but I found this computer programme which simulates 10 draws a second. It does graphs and stuff. I left it running all night once, and the next morning I hadn't even won the £100,000 bonus ball prize."
"So? So what? What the feck does that mean? You're winding me up, pal!"
I explained - trying hard not to sound patronising - that this "over-night simulation" was the equivalent, in real terms, of 360,000 years worth of lottery draws. Captain Lottery looked confused. He was apparently running out of brain cells. His forearm muscles were starting to flex, causing his merchant navy style tattoos to dance about in a purple jig. There followed a ten second silence after which all hell let loose ...
"Show me your fecking computer programme!" demanded Captain Lottery, suddenly.

Oh no - I'd have to let him into my flat for that. And if he couldn't face the truth from the PC, he might accuse me of rigging things and demand satisfaction there and then: "We can settle this with fists or knives!" he might say. "How about fists, knives or three rounds of Tekken?" I could only reply. Then he'd put me in a hospital anyway. Now was the moment, I decided, to placate him with a load of arse (something I should have done in the first place).
"I had to sell the computer," I said. "I got behind with the rent."
"Oh yeah?" he replied, suspiciously.
"Mind you," I added quickly, "I often wonder if there was a bug in the programme. After all, me telling you that the chances of winning the £100,000 bonus is less than 360,000 to 1 isn't going to mean much to someone who's just won that very same £100,000, is it?"
"Eh? Er, no, it ain't," said Captain Lottery.
"And that old 14 million-to-one stuff is going to mean even less to the person who's won 28 million quid on a rollover week, eh?"
"Tooz feckin' roight!" replied Captain Lottery.
"Besides," I said, "If you get a large enough syndicate together you could win every time. A syndicate of a hundred people, even if they only won the smallest prize, would each earn 10p every single week, for only a penny outlay."
"Really?" said Captain Lottery, satisfied.
"It's a dead cert," I said, nodding, and taking the opportunity of his stunned silence to quickly dart the final few feet into the changing rooms of the gym. He followed me in, however, and after a few moments of deliberation, suggested (firmly) that we start a syndicate ... him and me. Discretion being the better part of valour means that I now, every bloody Saturday lunchtime, am forced to drop a 50p coin through his sodding letterbox. I'm paying him "protection money" and he doesn't even know it.

POSTINGS & PROMOTIONS
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RSV/COL Phoenix from Reserves to Dagger Squadron 3-3 W.E.F. 03.04.01
GN Ricaud to Colonel W.E.F. 05.04.01
LT Argyle Ironfist to Lieutenant Commander W.E.F. 08.04.01
LT Aragorn to Lieutenant Commander W.E.F. 08.04.01
LCM Manticore to Commander W.E.F. 08.04.01
CM Krax Tarnisar to Captain W.E.F. 08.04.01
FL/LCM Devon Thannier from Shield Squadron 3-1 to Praetorian Squadron 2-2

AWARDS
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CMDR/MAJ Dan Malaktos - Bronze Star of the Empire - from COM/VA Andronicus for work as Dagger Commander

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
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"Last night, I was so drunk I joined the IW."
- Vice Admiral Fondor, the bitter testimony of the alcoholic

In the Service of the Empire,

Colonel V. G. Ricaud
Officer Commanding Wing IX
WC/COL Ricaud/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
IC/GSx2/SS/BSx5/ISMx8/MoT-1gh/LoC-PSx69/DFCx2/MoC-6BoC-1SoC-1GoC/CoLx2/LoAx5/OV-3E [CAVL] {IWATS-M/1-SM/1}